The Wall of Pudding

    I am currently unemployed, sort of. This Fall, I finally started graduate school and got the brilliant idea of also taking an H & R Block tax class to get a job preparing tax returns for this coming tax season. Mommy hasn't had homework in 30 years. I'm rusty as hell, putting it mildly.  I've also been dodging the substitute teaching this year so far. The pandemic was one reason but my biggest problem was the fact that the school changed how people are teaching, too. I have no clue how to teach online!

   The tax class largely wrapped up around Mid November so I technically have some time to squeeze in a day at the school here and there. The issue is working up the courage. I haven't done any jobs yet this school year so the fuzziness and fear of the unknown are looming large. It's not a comfortable feeling when you're walking into a situation where there is no training. Is it any different at the college level? Is the whole thing just learn by doing? Technology has been giving me nothing but grief since the pandemic began so I'm not exactly thrilled with the prospect of learning new software, too.  

   Sometimes, decisions are made for you. It turns out that due to rampant increases in covid cases, the school has gone all virtual. This means that no one will be there to teach, and there goes the substitute teaching gigs, for now, at least. H & R Block could very well be the only game in town, work wise. This is helpful, of course, because now I  can focus my time on my graduate school project and getting my house in shape. There is never a time outside of vacation, when 'unexpected free time' is really free. It just means I get to take care of other things I couldn't get to before.

   This particular Fall having extra time will be a blessing. I may actually get the chance to enjoy the holidays more than last year. It seems they fly by all the faster when you're wrapped up in the preparation. Starting earlier may really happen this year. I never used to like the idea of starting Christmas decorating around Thanksgiving. This year I get it. We need the bonus of anything festive to help fight depression and stretching out something pleasant. I won't start saying Merry Christmas to anyone before December 1st though. 

The Flatulent Brain

   It apears I have several dwarves covered. I'm bloated, stressed, overwhelmed, cranky and tired. Since I can't wait for a new year, you'd think that my mortal enemy, tempus fugit, could be a good thing for once. The problem is that I'm a bit too busy for my taste and could use to enjoy some of the fall before it's gone. The plan is to do that this weekend. It's cheesey but I love the hayride to a pumpkin patch, the obligatory cider and donuts, and a corn maze. It doesn't quite rival the beach but I would miss it if we didn't go. 

   It's another instance of my impatience. Years ago, I wrote in a green journal about everything that I was worried about on any given day or week. Pages later, in my own hand, is evidence that everything turned out fine and all the work got done. I would starve as a fortune teller yet somehow my brain won't give up the fretting. This time of year has a small level of sadness to it anyway. My sister passed away on Halloween. We both loved the holiday and I still do but I get a tinge of blues with it now.  A small dose of Autumn leaves and sunshine certainly couldn't hurt.

   I could use to remember that this year, in particular, is fubar. Subsequently, addiional slack will need to be cut. Things that were doable last year may not work  this year. When we researched our usual pumpkin patch we discovered that you had to reserve hay rides in advance. This was new because of covid and I didn't have to reserve a spot last year. They were booked solid and we missed the ride this year. I was disappointed but I was able to let it go as being a one off pain in the ass and hopefully next year will be better. We did manage a corn maze, cider, and good donuts.

   There is bonus stress due to school. I understand my daughter's internal pressure to want to do well, now. I had a big project due for my master's degree and I had a tough time with this. I'm still getting my legs under me after being out of school for 30 years! It's taking longer than I would like. It's also a bigger time commitment than I expected. I've learned that so far, I can handle two classes a semester at most. I haven't done any substitute teaching this year, either. I don't know how people do this with a full time job. Remembering how lucky I am to be able to do this while staying home helps a lot.

    This is probably the first year in a long time in which the Merry Hallothankmas retailers are pushing will actually come in handy. I need the help to remind me to start preparing and I'll be glad to see 2020 go. The work will get done, as always. I will be forced to let some things go. I don't have a cape and phone booth. It would be a good idea to ask for help occasionally, too but let's not get crazy.  I'm hopeful this next year will be an improvement. I certainly don't want to know if rock bottom has a basement.

Things are getting way too serious

    Happy Fall! I've been letting too many things I can't control get me down. I forgot about how much stress the news can cause. It's an election year this year. The relentless advertising is making football look good. That's how I know it's time to turn off the television, or at least put on Mel Brooks. I was in a full on panic earlier today because I thought I accidentally recycled our ballots this year. I didn't realize my state isn't permitting voting in person this time because of the pandemic. I tore up the house and our recycling bag.

   Thankfully, the ballots landed in a pile of bills, which we never recycle.  That was something to be grateful for until the next stressor. I realized that I somehow missed a tax class! I emailed the instructor and impatiently waited for a response. I was more frustrated by wanting to go over the material they would have covered than anything. It also bothered me that I couldn't really remember what the hell I did that day instead. Was I not home? Why didn't I remember? I'm also further bummed out by our recent foray into a different local pumpkin patch that turned out to be underwhelming.  

   Here's where Bob Marley comes in handy. Remember his song 'Don't worry'? I really need that ear worm! It turns out I finally got a response from my instructor. She sent me a video to watch which was actually helpful. My writing professor has been great, too. I'm a bit stuck on my current homework from her but help is available. If I screw this up horribly, I won't be put in a cage with a bear. It's easy as hell for me to get sucked into my own personal vortex. I forget how wrong I am when it comes to predictions. Bob, get me out of this.

   The problem could be exacerbated by the pandemic blues. Our Anniversary is in October and this year we can't really celebrate the way we would like. Movies are out and restaurants are either takeout only or eat outside. I've also been swamped with homework and it's made shopping and keeping the house clean difficult. The tax class has been a huge pain in the ass. It's eating way more time than I would like. I would love to go away somewhere for a few days but that's most likely not going to happen. I feel like I could use a vacation from being a grownup.  

   

Happy Fall?

     We are approaching mid October and it appears we are actually having a fall this year. There may actually be an upside to this pandemic. Halloween hasn't been officially cancelled or significantly messed with, as far as I can tell. I'm expecting a lot of things to be cancelled, like school functions and company parties. This is a bummer to some degree but I'm also hopeful that it will give us a little more time to relax and enjoy. That remains to be seen but so far so good. 

   Predictably, we are experiencing a "second wave" of germs so I'm not expecting things to open up anytime soon. We are also experiencing an intensifying wave of political ads. The ads are making football look good, which, for me, is a new low. What's not new are the choices. In most of my adult life I don't remember ever actualy voting for someone so much as against the other guy, whoever it was. Another election is another turn at holding my nose in the voting booth and picking who stinks less. 

   I have noticed that President Obama at least had the decency to project an image of someone who believed he was doing the right thing. I get the same impression from the current year's Democratic candidate although I'm not thriled with him either. I watched two debates so far. That's about four hours of my life I'll never get back. We are all biased to some degree.  The Presidential debate was an absolute s**tshow but left me with a clear impression that the incumbent lost. The VP debate was more of what you want to see when two "alleged" grown ups present their views.

   I was again left a clear impression of a winner here. The incumbent VP behaved a bit too much like his boss. What gave me a lot of satisfaction was the way his opponent handled herself. This woman refused to be interrupted and demanded equal time to speak when her blabbermouth companion ran over. If you hated her guts you still had to admire that, in my opinion. Outside of her being an attorney and a senator, I can't say I know much about her.

    It's not easy or fun to deal with piles of political bologna every time you turn on the television. I never was a fan of Hillary Clinton but you could say I've been a not that Orange Creature since 2016. When you've made up your mind early, the debates just become confirmation of what you believe, don't they? The ads and social media are just flies buzzing around the piles. I understand why college kids love cartoons and you tube so much. I just want to vote for Bugs Bunny. 

My soup brain

    Welcome to another beautiful day in the neighborhood. I'm sitting here racking my brain again to come up with a good topic for this post. I'm striking out so far. I try to avoid politics in my writing like the plague. I have a lot of friends on the opposite end of the opinion poll from me. I prefer not to alienate those people. Friends come in handy, after all. The problem is though, I'm currently undercaffeinated and bereft of ideas so here goes. 

    Last night, as of this writing, we watched a Presidential debate. It wasn't really a debate so much as a televised train wreck. My daughter, spouse and I watched 2 alleged grown ups interrupt each other and argue for an hour and a half. My daughter's Social Studies teacher asked the kids to watch at least some of the debate. I thoght this was a great idea for a handy civics lesson. When I asked my daughter about her class the next day, the biggest thing the kids seemed to have gotten out of the whole thing was that 'Trump looked orange!'. Sigh.

   I tried to explain to her, later, what a debate was supposed to look like. She asked me 'Why doesn't Obama run again? He was good.' I had to smile at that one. We were never huge fans but we did think he was tolerable. I told her he was wiped out from doing the job and probably didn't want it again. She was also quite young when he was elected.

   I can't help but find it embarrassing when grown ups, and especially ones in leadership positions, act like obnoxious middle schoolers. It's no wonder the kids didn't get much out of the "debate", they must have felt like they were watching two classmates. I'm also between a rock and a hard place here because we are in the minority, of our circle of friends, in our dislike of Trump. I suppose, in a way, this is a good opportunity for me to show our girl that you can agree to disagree with people and remain friends. We've been doing that for quite a while, actually.

   

Homework, at my a

   I'm sure I've skirted around this topic forever if I really think about it. It takes a huge smack in the face for me to finally pay attention, as usual. Motherhood has been the only thing that I can definitively say has not been a waste of my time. The issue is feeling like a nonvaluable member of my family despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Did I mention feelings have nothing to do with being rational? It's like the tax code but that's a rant for another day. I've given it some thought and it seems that everything I associate with my value seems to involve me getting paid. How can I change this mindset without a lobotomy, you ask? Beats me.

  There was a study once that measured what a person would make per year doing the full time mom job. It was around 120k back then! Who knows what it would come to now. It's funny that I borrowed a movie from the library about an architect who stopped designing buildings for 20 years and was starting to go nuts. Her friend tells her that her problems, while amusing, could be solved by getting her ass back to work creating. So am I an artist now? I don't feel like one. I do, however, feel like it's time to get my ass in gear and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

   This feeling has been going on for years. I am finally taking action to get myself out of my career rut. Where is the credit? I haven't slacked off in my Wilma Flintstone duties, which I admit were a pretty comfy thing to hide behind. I wonder how I managed to finally pull myself out of my turtle shell before this pandemic nightmare and stay out after it hit. Would a jury in the world have convicted if I decided to stay home longer due to a pandemic? Some would have said no, except my own mother. My mother would have - and has repeatedly- said you need to get a job. Credit doesn't run in the family.

     I grew up in a climate of inadequacy. The house wasn't clean enough, there wasn't enough money, and there was always something wrong with me, too. Everything, and everyone could always be better. The problem with this was it never allowed me to like myself. I'm trying like hell to avoid this with my own kid. It would help in this effort if I could learn to accept myself as an adult. That's still a tall order. How do you separate wanting to improve versus liking yourself as you are? It may come down to my old nemesis, patience. I have, and continue to make progress, even if it feels like a glacial pace.

The big block

    I'm here, attempting to write something because I know tomorrow is going to be nuts and I may not get a chance. The problem is I'm hopping like a frog on a hot stove and I find myself frequently sidetracked. You would think I'd be a little better able to keep up since I haven't been able to sleep in like I did over the Summer. I may have overbooked myself this time. Doing two classes when you haven't been in college in over 30 years is a lot to pull off. I'm still getting my legs under me. That is more of a process than I have patience for. It's the technology that's been the worst part so far. 

  I am slowly getting there, I just wish it wasn't so painful - and slow! I had to post a two minute video for a class the other day. It took me an hour and a half. I was ready to turn my new pc into a dammit doll. I have to acquire a habit of completing a covid 19 screening for my daughter online for every morning she goes into school. You get to learn all about new and different computer errors when you do this. So far, I've only had to sprint back to the house to do this once while she was on the bus. She's also forgotten her mask once too. We are lucky to live close to the bus stop. 

   It's also a bit odd that since I've finally committed myself and started school, I thought I would feel "employed" or "legitimately busy" in a sense. This still hasn't happened because I am not making any money. School needs to come first and I still can't seem to get off my own back. Did I mention a lack of patience? There is some bonus guilt over not substitute teaching yet, too. Must everything be tied to money? I get it that my kiddo doesn't need me as much as she used to but she still needs me some. I don't regret motherhood for a minute, but the pay sucks.

   It would behoove me to let a few things go in the whirl of all this busyness. I could use to let my kid fall flat on her face once in a while, for one thing. Valuing my own efforts would be another. I can't wait around for a cheering section to pop up, so I need to be my own. You go, me, yeah! Life goes on when I can't pull everything off in one day. Somehow we're all still alive. Not every job will involve money. The most important stuff doesn't, after all. What will people remember when they close the lid? I'm pretty sure it won't be my bank balance and I certainly won't be wishing I'd spent more time working. Let it go, mommy, you won't be able to hang onto it anyway!