Optimistic game plan - again

   It is the end of October, as of this writing and I am amazed again at how fast I got here. Didn't I just send all my guests home after New Year's? We are now knee deep in another Hallothankmas. I am way ready for Halloween, of course. We are decorated, I have our candy, and my daughter's costume is just about ready. You would think I would be halfway ready for Thanksgiving  and Christmas, too. The stores near me had their Halloween stuff out in August. I've been seeing Christmas things out now for weeks, too. So far, mercifully, I haven't  heard any carols yet.
    You would think with all this "retail assistance" that I'd be ready for the holidays with time to spare. I have yet to pull this off, although God knows it's not for lack of trying. I have yet to understand how/why the mad scramble happens every year. Some years I am further behind than others. My summer clothes are still in my drawers in late October, this doesn't bode well for my end of year plans. I may have to consider resorting to something crazy like asking for help or cutting back on the pantloads of cards and cookies.
    If the idea of "cutting back" in the age of the supermom is repulsive, there is always starting early. So far, I've only heard that this works, I've never actually done it myself. It does not work with housecleaning, given the farm animals I live with, but there are plenty of other things I could do. Here's another crazy idea, while we're at it, how about not even trying to live la vida Facebook and ignore what other people are doing? Well now I'm taking this "peace on earth(or at least my house)" business too far.
    Even scarier is the fact that right after Halloween, we only have about two and a half weeks until Thanksgiving. I am way not ready for that! This time of year is the hardest for me to stay in the present moment and God forbid, enjoy the now. Can you get jingle stress in October? It looks like I'm going to have to resort to lists in order to hang onto my sanity and remain more sober than not. Recently, I've been finding them to be helpful, even if I can't pull off everything I put on them. They help me prioritize, and considering I have enough notepads from various charities to wallpaper my house, why not make use of them?
    Let's just hope said lists don't get lost in all the clutter! Oh, and Happy Holidaze.

HAPPY Halloween?

   I have been on the hunt for a Halloween costume, on the cheap, of course, for my honey bun. It's been too much fun for humans this year. Frequently I dodge this bullet because I put a costume on her September birthday list. We struck out this year because her majesty has gotten interested in hard to find video game based outfits that grownups wear for cosplay. She is pushing mommy's creativity to it's limits again. I sprung for an overpriced hat on Amazon that allegedly won't arrive until November 1st! Halloween is not supposed to be stressful! My parents never went through this crap!
    It's easy to lose perspective in an environment that's lousy with marketing. Halloween is only one day. Costumes should be budgeted accordingly. I got lucky one year when our girl went out in a one piece pajama that doubled as a pokemon that year. Manufacturers really need to jump on that bandwagon and make more varied pajamas. Wouldn't it be great to get more than one use out of a Halloween costume?       This year I am trying to focus on accessories, rather than something overpriced and outgrown in ten minutes. I am also grateful our girl was never the half naked  "Disney princess" type. I had no interest in sending our girl out freezing for the sake of some outfit on a late October evening. I'll have to deal with that soon enough without a holiday. The accessories aren't exactly budget friendly, either. Eventually, I'll be lucky if I recoup a very small percentage of what we paid for various hats and props at our yard sale.
    Our girl is approaching an age where we can use makeup. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I guess it still beats a skimpy outfit but hopefully my skills with makeup will improve before it matters too much. I am trying, despite my dna, to not wait until the last minute next year. Despite her squirrely personality, I'm hoping to pin our girl down to a definite selection early enough for us to be completely ready. I would love to just relax and focus on what the holiday is really about - free chocolate!

I got nothing

   I have no real clue what I want to say here so I'm writing anyway in the hopes my coffee will kick in and provide some much needed assistance. Maybe because it's Monday, as of this writing, and raining, my brain is still asleep. I can understand that since I wish the rest of me was also in bed. This past weekend was a bit busy and next weekend looks even busier. I wish I could just go to a pumpkin patch like we usually do this time of year without having to squeeze it in. I prefer Saturdays for these things but so far, that's not looking good for us. It figures since the weather is supposed to be nicer the day I'm too busy to go.
   It is also finally starting to feel like fall so I guess my natural desire to get warm and cozy is kicking in. It's been four months since we went on vacation and I miss the beach. Mostly I miss the warmth and the stress relief. Dealing with my mother is the most stressful part of my job as a stay at home mom. It's a good lesson on what I want with my daughter as she gets older. I get it, that life isn't always going to be smooth but I want to become the older person my daughter looks forward to seeing, not a problem to be dealt with. These days I'm trying to decide if it's easier to cut visits and contact shorter or deal with longer but less frequent visits.
   I've also decided to look into what I can control. There are ways to shut down hostility from others, respectfully hanging up is one example. I haven't done this myself yet but I plan to try. There's a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". I found a copy of it on my bookshelf! I need to make the time to read it. Actually doing this will not be easy but I'm hoping it will also help me deal with someone else going through puberty, too. The biggest battle I have is not getting pulled into other people's drama. Right now, however, it feels like I'm in a drama sandwich!
   The best I can do, it seems, is to document as much of this bologna as I can in the hopes of using it as a guide for what I don't want. A big thing to hang onto is remembering that I have no reason to apologize for my choices to anyone, including my mother. I am curiously looking forward to reading this again at some point in the future. I want to know how it will feel when my daughter is where I am now. Being aware of what I don't want is the first step. I just hope it's enough.

Drawing a blank

   We are in the post birthday letdown week. The party was thrown, a bit underwhelming for attendance but I think the guest of honor had fun and in the end, I remind myself, that's all that counts. I am one of those dinosaurs who still believes in thank you notes, even if I don't enjoy writing them. We also very rarely receive them.
    Ironically, I have no problem writing other things, like blog posts. What's amazing to me is that my daughter hates writing. I frequently wonder whose dna this is for a lot of reasons but this does have me scratching my head. Her issue mostly centers around the physical act of writing. Admittedly, her handwriting makes a lot of prescriptions look neat. We have a hard time getting her to understand that the more you practice, the better it will get. She much prefers to throw a huge hissy fit and drag things out rather than put it in the rear view. I have yet to understand this.
   I am an eat your frog first person. I don't recall when, exactly, I latched on to this piece of logic but I have noticed that I usually feel better. My grown up brain forgets that ten year olds don't have much life experience to draw on. The ADHD part of our girl's brain also gets easily overwhelmed these days by seemingly small things when it's something she hates and when hormones are rearing their ugly heads. We forget to take things in small pieces. Grown up brains get tired, cranky, and just want homework killed off. There's also our already developed sense of discipline that we dream we'll see in her. The question is when???
    Regrettably, they no longer teach cursive writing in school. Even her teachers are not happy with this revolting development. It occurred to me that when you have a room full of bad penmanship that you aren't allowed to fix, you'd use the computer, too. Mercifully, my daughter's teachers told us they want the kids to be able to at least sign their names by the end of the year. I've also read that for some reason, ADHD kids do better at writing cursive than print. The problem is that physical ability and willingness are two different animals!

Pobody's Nerfect

   So far, it's been a crazy fall. We aren't even that far into it, really.  It is late September,  as of this writing, and I'm still adjusting. Our daughter has entered the double digits and we've been busy as a family organizing a birthday outing, a yard sale, and a family party. In all the chaos of the last several weeks, the unthinkable happened.  I MISSED A LIBRARY BOOK SALE!! Those familiar with our home would say we could build furniture with all the books we have as it is, why would you need more?
    I admit I have long standing book issues. This most recent error really bothered me because it's never happened before but there's also more to it than that. I hate book dealers with a passion. I've ranted about these creatures before and have made no attempt whatsoever to conceal my feelings when I'm at a book sale. I believe they even know me, not by name, I'm proudly the crazy b***h that hates dealers. Missing the opportunity to bug these people just by my presence feels like making a wicked witch happy. (See earlier sentence about "book issues" and remove the word "book".)
   If I remember correctly, I was dimly aware there was a sale that day. We even drove past it, according to my spouse. So what the hell happened, you may ask? My theory is that I became distracted by Amish market coupons and my daughter's tenth birthday trip. We were very concerned about the weather that day since we had been getting stupid amounts of rain recently and I had no "plan B".  We arranged to meet my daughter's friend and his family at the beach that day.
   Going to a book sale and trying to limit my time there is like telling someone, I'm going to a crack den, I'll be out in ten minutes! It may have been doable to have gotten up and gone early but not easy and definitely upsetting for my spouse. It would have taken a lot to get me out of there and starting the day pissed off is not a good idea.
   Forgiving yourself and moving on remain lofty goals for me these days. I can't remember everything. Like most things I worry about, our shore outing turned out great. Our little girl had a great time and we got away with celebrating relatively cheaply. My greedy bulldog brain wants everything and wants it perfect. Anybody know of a book I can read that might help?

Happy birthday to who?

    Today my baby is ten! She is so excited to reach double digits, mommy, not so much. Coping with my birthday was tough enough. I remember my father 's words, 'It could be worse, you could have a kid your age!'. He couldn't have been more right but today is definitely a layer cake of emotions for me. I enjoy seeing her happy, but getting older scares me. It was comforting to hang onto the little kid phases because hey, I can't be that old if I'm the parent of a toddler, right?
   There is an upside to the changes. She is remarkably perceptive when she wants to be and can certainly do a lot more for herself.  The downside of course, is when you realize that you aren't needed as much, shouldn't you be doing something else? Therein lies the rub. What, exactly "else" should that be? I've only been trying to answer that question for the last ten years now! Time hasn't been going by any slower to give me time to figure this out, either.
   I did manage to put a thumbnail scratch in this iceberg recently when I spoke to one of my daughter's school counselors to find out how she got where she was in her job. It was enlightening and somewhat scary but I'm glad I did. The education required and the internships sounded overwhelming but at least I found out what was involved. I also got some good advice from a friend who suggested rather than going back to school, I should consider getting a job at a school to see if I even like the environment.
   Smart friends can be a real asset, but they can also be a pain in the ass when they make you think! There was no arguing that she had a point. There is also the minor detail that we, as of this writing, have zero income coming in and a degree can cost around $26,000. There is also one more consideration, the bane of my existence, letting go. How is this a problem? Some people have gotten a bit spoiled with Mom being home full time. If I am working, that leaves less time to spoil people.
   How do I manage to let people do more for themselves and dare I dream it?, help more around the house? If you want to get really crazy, being less bitter about what slobs I live with would go a long way to saving my sanity, too.  How exactly does one pull this off? I'm open to suggestions.
 

Happy Mother's Day A**hole!

   Have you ever found yourself so upset by someone that you can't even think about them without boiling? What do you do if that someone is family? There was a meme recently that described talking to stupid people (or ignorant and hurtful in my case). It described playing chess with a pidgeon that would s**t all over the board and strut around like it won anyway. I am dealing with someone who refuses to look at their own behavior for what it is, forget changing it. Those that know us understand our current situation is difficult with us both being unemployed.
   Recently, I had the unfortunate experience of having this creature in my house and it started spewing a stream of ridiculous Captain Obvious nonsense. It put pressure on what we've all known to be a high pressure situation and made it worse. I have never seen anybody in the history of job seeking work harder to find a job than my spouse.
    I was told "I want to help, but I need to see some effort from you." Forgetting the fact that I never asked for "Help" and haven't needed much in well over 20 years, what bothered me the most was the complete and total ignoring of all of our job hunting efforts. I can handle personal attacks on me, I have for years, but to attack my husband and insult his manhood in our home was astounding, to say the least. I am very sorry I didn't throw it out of my home right then and there.
   Part of the fault here is mine to be sure. I've been guilty of oversharing. I have never asked for money nor have I complained about our bills, except maybe the COBRA. Perhaps that was even too much. I stopped calling, why stick a fork in my eye?
    My husband , God bless him, has been a huge help. He reminded me that life is too short and I need to let the anger go. This is especially true when the person in question is as flexible as concrete and, more to the point, could care less how you feel. Why should I carry around a ball of anger in my stomach, is it doing me any good? The problem is the actual lettng go, part. Forgiveness is allegedly freeing but how to pull it off regardless of the ignorance of the offender is another matter. Putting it mildly, I'm open to suggestions on this one!