Stop shoulding on yourself!

   It's been a pretty good summer so far. As of this writing, it is mid August and I am enjoying the last few days of relative freedom before the end of summer camp. The last few days, however, my old friend, guilt, has been rearing its ugly head, a bit more than usual. I'm blaming my spouse, I think he's contagious. After fourteen years of employment in the same place, he has recently found himself unemployed. This was a lot like watching Wile E. Coyote hit a brick wall.
   So why the guilt? I believe it's the fish pond I'm swimming in. My spouse, in response to this "new normal", has been job hunting like mad and when he's not, he's been doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning our basement and other such useful things. Mommy, on the other hand, has been not quite so busy. Boy does that feel wierd!! I was actually trying to scrape up something to do to avoid that elephant in the room, known as my mid life crisis. I should be sending out submissions and researching college courses, but that laundry he did needs to be folded! Is there a career that involves avoidance? If there is, I've found my calling.
   I always knew I was an odd bird, it's the degree of weirdness that can throw me for a loop. I am guessing this lack of discipline stems from lack of desire and/or fear. You must not want X bad enough if you're not willing to do Y to get it. That much I can understand. I'm disappointed in how my sense of discipline has gone downhill. When I was younger I pulled off the CPA exam and managed my 5th degree black belt, so what happened? Change is scary, so I'm sure that's part of it. I also need to eat my elephant one bite at a time but I could use a good plan of attack - or recipe?
     UPDATE:  Seven months have flown by and I have seen a career counselor. My husband is still home and seriously freaking out. I have completed only about 30 applications but I found a "bridge" job. I will begin, of all things, substitute teaching in a few weeks. I am still in the process of jumping through the necessary hoops but I am making headway. The commute will be less than five minutes so I'm sure to be barely on time. This will be a huge change and an education for me. The funny part is if I thought my own kid was a wealth of material to write about, this new adventure might just generate a book. Stay tuned, dear reader!

I get by with a little help.....

    The older I get, the more I am forced to admit I need help. This is hardly a shock but it's the wide variety and level on which said help is needed that I find staggering. I need help from my husband, Google, caffeine, chocolate, profanity and alcohol just to get through one lousy week, nevermind life in general. We've let earth know we're both looking for work in the hopes that it will stir up some leads. What's funny is that I am not aware of asking for a lot of help from people over the years. That doesn't mean I haven't gotten a lot of help. It just means that recently I've been so introspective I've had my head up my ass.
    It appears that I've always been this way. There's an old therapist joke that goes 'If it's not one thing, it's your mother.' I grew up in an environment which did not allow me to feel safe/relax. I will not get into the gory details but suffice it to say that I am an introvert from way back. Thrown in a stiff amount of stubborn and you've got a recipe for an independent streak a mile wide. The problem begins when the brain ignores the body. It's the equivalent of your mouth writing checks that your ass can't cash. I am currently working on a poem about this very subject.
   I have had to be beaten over the head with my own physical limitations recently and it looks like my ego got the worst of it. In fact, it's still recovering from the assault after a whole year. The stubbornness refuses to permit much in the way of actual changes. The body does the same things the brain has always insisted on, there's just a lot more bitching and sound effects involved. When it comes to asking for help, the mouth would have an easier time spitting out pinecones. Did I mention the ego is still recovering?
     Where does stubborn meet gratitude? I am still functioning, after all, even if it's tougher in patches. I figure I've already past the point where it literally is all downhill from here. Hopefully,  some shred of wisdom has accumulated enough for me to be able to see I need help, ask for it, and God forbid, be grateful it's there.
   Postscript: This was orinally written a few months ago. We are both working now in albeit not that great jobs. They are jobs, nonetheless, and the checks clear. We also still have our health and good friends. For the record, we are lucky to have our friends and we know it!

Still more hunting

   Those that know my family, and/or have suffered through my blog know that me and my spouse are both looking for work. Too much fun for humans is a pale description of the aggravation we have seen so far, especially my husband. I don't think I've seen anyone try harder to find a job than my spouse and yet remain unemployed. He is getting plenty of interviews but no offers. We are scratching our heads over this but I have a few theories. I'm afraid it has do with our ages. We have had to remove the years of college graduation from our resumes and Linked In profiles to help in our searches.
    We are both very convinced that there is a "grey tax". People don't want to hire a person who looks older bacause of the expense. My spouse, God bless him, understands that he may have to "start over" and has adjusted his expectations accordingly. We think, however, that employers may be thinking if we hire this guy for dirt, he's going to leave as soon as he finds something better. It would appear that he can't win for losing! If hadn't already been losing his hair, I think he'd be pulling it out.
    I'm still getting used to the idea that you don't get a response to the applications you send, either. I still have memories of those have-a-nice-life postcards people would send. My spouse is very big on following up to the point where he is spending almost as much time working the phones as he is finding places to apply. I haven't followed up much myself, mostly because I have gotten used to sending out writing submissions where that's par for the course.
    I was also rudely surprised to find that not only do employers not mention training in any of the job descriptions I've been seeing, when it is mentioned, they expect you to pay for it! (No, it's not reimbursed, either.) The whole problem of being unemployed is that you don't have any money, hellloooooo! Then there are the paid subscriptions to allegedly "help" you find work. Who are these pondscum and how can they take advantage of people when they're down??!! (Ok, I admit I'm naiive but that's just uber slimy.)
     So here we are, mid March, as of this writing and both still unemployed. I'm open to suggestions, dear reader.

The search continues

   Welcome to my mid life crisis - still going on. It's irrational but I find myself getting jealous of other people's success. My brain knows that it comes from hard work and persistence, not sitting around stuck. The problem seems to be with me being home and needing a clear direction and focus. I recently saw a career counselor and so far, it's only been one visit but she's given me a lot to think about. I want to be aware that these visits are not going to be some quick magic cure. Besides still not being clear on what I'm passionate about, the other problem is discipline. It's a big ingredient in progress and I used to have it. So what happened?!
    I'm guessing that a big part of this mental flotsam is our current family situation. There is no money coming in, as of this writing, and so I am working to find a grown up job. My age, however, is still screaming in my ears "What are you meant to do with your life?!" . There are reminders everywhere to not give up chasing something I enjoy. Humor seems to be at the heart of almost everything for me, but I'm wondering how do I use that beyond just surviving a Tuesday? There is a small bit of hope. I'm pretty sure that no matter what happens, it will not end up perfect and not only is that okay, that's was never the goal anyway.
    I'm sure I've been setting my bar too high, I always have. I do tend to ignore my own progress. Seeing a counselor when I'd been talking about it for months is just one example. Baby steps are still steps. I think I need to have that tattooed somewhere. There is also a limit to what I can control. Once you've tried your ass off, the rest is out of your hands. It's a job just finding things to apply for, and so far I've managed to find around 30. (I've even gotten 3 responses!) Not giving up is the most important thing I can do, besides being a mom, of course.
  The most important opinion about this entire mess is my own. I also have to remember that crisis or not, we still have bills. Being a grown up doesn't mean giving up. Practicality can be a necessary detour, for now. Stay tuned.

The new old hunt, Part 112

   I managed, over the weekend, to come up with a list of targets for my job hunt. It wasn't easy since I had to pull out of the internet wormhole known as work from home jobs. There are still some of "those sites" on my list but it's easier to check an item off a list rather than aimless floundering. I'm working on my "second twenty". Since it's easier to eat your elephant one bite at a time, I chopped my job hunt into segments of applications. My guess is that it's going to take up to 100 applications for me to find something and so far I'm 20 percent there. I hope 100 will be enough but at a minimum I know I'll feel like I've made a good effort.
   It really is a full time job to look for work and I find the discipline part of it to be a real struggle. I am constantly reminding myself that even just looking counts.putting it mildly, this is a way no fun experience. The question is why? The jobs themselves don't seem that appealing and the ones that do, wouldn't hire me because I'm either too old or not qualified. If I'm having this much fun with part time hourly crap, it's no wonder my middle aged spouse is going nuts. I haven't been too fussy with my search criteria - or at least I didn't think so. I've applied for other jobs besides mattress tester at $40 an hour, after all.
     I admit I'm having a problem discussing this with my spouse, though. He's supported us for years with me being home. Other people would have been way more obnoxious about me being a full time mom. When I brought up the idea of me getting a job, he would always tell me he wants me to find something I like. Putting it mildly, I feel really wierd about asking him to consider something like a sales job.
    I'm also discovering that a lot of the websites I am using to conduct my search are trying to sell me subscriptions. Hellooooooo, since when do unemployed humans have money for subscriptions?!  It feels a lot like going to a bank to ask for a loan and the first question they ask is 'Do you have any money?'.  The stressful part (or one streesful part) is that if one of us has to go back to school, how do we pay for it? Should I consider janitorial work (paid -that is) ? This whole thing is enough to make my head explode but then, someone would have to clean up the mess. Stay tuned.....

Another new project or Rubber Ducky - The Musical

    Those that know us as a family, know that I am the proud mom of an adhd kiddo. We have been seeing a therapist to help us with all sorts of problems like the electronics addiction, bedtime routines, and helping our daughter when she gets upset. My spouse was less than enthusiastic about going and doesn't really believe in therapists generally but he does go and is willing, when harassed, to put the advice we get into practice. Some ideas work better than others, of course, but this is no exact science, this is parenthood. Our latest adventure was in the bathtub.
    This particular voyage encountered rough seas when we received our water bill. It was definitely an attention getting figure, to quote my spouse "You'd think we still had our pool!". Thus we began to look at our water use. It is well known that my lovely, brilliant daughter is not famous for her attention span. This is a very pervasive problem. I will frequently find her on her bed, reading when she's supposed to be getting ready for a shower. Once she finally gets in there, she would spend most of the time singing into the shower head, putting on a rubber duck musical, or wiping down the glass doors with body wash!
    I had been trying to think of a "something " we could use in the shower to fix the problem but I was a bit stuck. Our therapist helped me to put the idea into more concrete terms and helped us to come up with a plan to get our little squirrel to focus and stay on task. We had tried phone timers but with only limited success. The next idea was to give her majesty a hard candy to suck on while she's showering and when it was done, so was she. This helped a little. The best idea so far, for us, has been the waterproof picture.
    My friends know I have a voice for accounting, my artistic skills are a close second. I tried to draw a front and back picture of a general human figure and regrettably, that was just what it looked like. My husband went online and found a good picture that didn't look like a medical textbook and printed it for me. I wanted to make it look a bit less like a chalk outline so I decided to change the head to a picture of a character from one of our daughter's favorite video games. I'm no expert on copyright laws but I'm glad this thing isn't leaving our bathroom.
     Once I had our segmented body, freakishly large head and all, taped together and cut out, we took it to Staples and got it laminated. Unfortunately, now when you take a shower, there is a segmented body hanging there, staring at you, waiting for you to wash something and turn a piece over. I think I'll start with the head. The things we do for love!
 

My Brain Needs a Hobby

      I'm overdue for a humorous post but it feels like my tank is empty. It's February, as of this writing, in 2019. I've said that after 2018 we've had no where to go but up. Two months into the new year have left me unimpressed. We are both unemployed and with no income coming in, things have been getting difficult. I tried a part time job that flopped and if ever there was a time when my mid life crisis was in my face, it's now. I have plans to find a career counselor to help me plan my second act but now I'm concerned about how much it will cost.
      We have never been the paycheck to paycheck type of family and that's been really helpful to us,  especially now. The problem is the whole business of the job hunt dragging on for so long. We have used up way more of our savings than I would like and I'm having trouble scraping up job leads. Things have been quiet for my spouse, too and putting it mildly, we're both getting impatient. It's hard having faith that things will work out for the best after this much time has gone by. My brain knows that after you've done everything you can, it's in God's hands, but my heart was never the faithful type.
     It is tougher to see the enjoyable parts of this as time goes on. I know things could turn on a dime and there are parts of this I will even miss. I will look back on this time and be glad we got a few things done around the house. Truthfully, I was hoping to do a little better than that. We have no catastrophic illness to deal with, thankfully, only each other. Oddly enough, this has been both our biggest problem and opportunity. We've managed to sneak out to a grown up movie once or twice but with money being so tight we could use to find more ways to bring us closer together on the cheap.
     I'm rather disinclined to go shopping these days, unless it's a thrift store or a flea market and it's not really my spouse's favorite activity. That leaves movies at home, video games and non g rated things I won't get into here. I suppose we could try cooking together as long as everyone's in a good mood before they pick up anything sharp. It occurred to me that I may be able to talk him into a puzzle or board game now and then. It also occurred to me that I should be asking him for some ideas and while I'm at it, how about you, dear reader? What do you do with your spouse?