Ready or not, here comes Summer!

   I'm at my kitchen table looking at my to do list of crap I'm fantasizing about pulling off before we leave for the beach for the week. My daughter wraps up fifth grade by mid Thursday this week. She has to survive one week of CCD after vacation and then she is a free birdie for the rest of the summer. This summer will be wierd for me because after having my husband home last year, I will be flying solo this year. This is definitely a good thing but it will take some getting used to. It was incredibly easy to get used to having him home.
   This particular week is a bit rough because I managed to get sick after substitute teaching for a whopping 7 jobs! There's nothing like trying to kill off a to do list when your butt is dragging worse than usual. Just to add to the fun, the germs are spreading. I've refrained from kissing my daughter, much to her relief, because I was trying Not to get her sick. That flopped. We are about to find out if the new insurance works. It's hard for me to figure out what's an allergy versus a bad cold this time of year, too. This is just another episode of guess your face off. I'd rather the doctor's office tell me I'm nuts and send me home when we're this close to vacation.
    Having a memory like a steel sieve is forcing me to make lists of all the crap I want to get done before we leave. My spouse shocked me and actually took an interest in said list. The problem is we don't agree on what's necessary. The husband is notoriously oblivious to mess and dirt, me, not so much. I'm already going to be depressed that I have to come home from the beach at all, I'll be damned if I'm going to have to clean on top of it. He is also regrettably immune to the threat of my Mother coming over while we're gone. I should have enough time to get the inside under control but there's also some outside maintenance I hope to pull off.
    The outside maintenance never gets done often enough, just ask our neighbors.  It was looking like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom out there and I felt I had to do something. The frustrating thing about weeding of course, is that there seems to be no real payoff. I went out there like a good homeowner and ripped out enough crap to feed an elephant. A week later the junk grew back! I don't even get the fun weed in my yard. I get grass from hell, baby trees under my deck and lamb's ear trying to take over like Hitler invading Poland. I've also noticed our bushes are starting to look like Gene Wilder's hair from Young Frankenstein. My next yard will be concrete.

Still morw learning!

  My adventures as a substitute teacher are continuing to surprise. I knew I had a lot to learn, it's the nuances that amaze me. I've been home for a long time and while it's  not that I wasn't working, the job was different. Now that I'm in a professional setting, I have to remember to watch my p's and q's. You don't have to care what you look like at home. According to my closet, I haven't cared in about twelve years! The problem is how to spend money on a wardrobe when you've been unemployed and needed the money.
   The commute for me is now a whopping five minutes and yet I'm still scrambling to gtfo every morning I'm scheduled. I'm used to only getting one of us out the door! I'm only getting a short time to get some work in before school ends since it took forever to get my certificate. I had applied to be a substitute teacher at my daughter's district about two years ago but I'm guessing my application was ignored because I didn't know anyone there and my degree was not in education. I remember trying to follow up at the time and getting nowhere.
   There are bonus surprises, too. I learned the scheduling system the district uses can be at best, a suggestion. I've had my assignments changed repeatedly, sometimes in the same day before I get in! I'm trying to scare up some teaching work for the summer, too, but I'm wondering about whether that's such a bright idea.
   My daughter's district, does have an extended school year program. I heard a rumor about who may be in charge of it and emailed the person to let her know I'm available. I haven't followed up because it occurred to me that these programs are often aimed at special ed students. The first week of working for the district put me in rooms with kids who literally screamed all day, threw chairs, and used profanities. The kids were all between 5 and 7. Do I really want to be potentially trapped in a room with those kinds of kids all summer? How much money can I make if I just stick a fork in my eye?
    There is no shortage of stuff to do at home if I don't manage to find something job wise for the summer. It would be nice to keep some shred of money coming in, however. Our savings took a huge hit over the last year and it feels like there's a lot of ground to make up. There are some classes I can take over the summer that would help in the future. The question becomes do I physically go to a college or do something on line. I would prefer something with minimal travel, of course. It will be wierd having homework but I am planning to look at this as an investment in my career. I just need to wait until we get some income coming in first.

Adventures in Colon Country

   I finally approached that magical age where it became necessary to get my first colonoscopy.  This was something I'd be putting off for a long time. There was a reason I'd been stalling. It was the prep. My mom and my spouse had done it so it was my turn. The cattleprod to finally get me to schedule was the fact that I ran the risk of running out of time before my husband found a job and I would have had to find a driver. Getting behind the wheel too soon after general anesthesia is frowned upon and I like my car the way it is, unwrinkled. We got lucky in that all I had to do was call to request the procedure and skip the office copay.
    I called the same office my husband and mom had used, for lack of a better idea. They ordered a prep kit and mailed instructions so there was nothing to do but wait. The box was huge and took up a chunk of real estate on my kitchen table. We were expecting company that weekend. The box didn't exactly enhance the decor so I decided to move it. I put it on top of our refrigerator right in front of a box of Raisin Bran. I love bad jokes but I had no idea irony was ingrained in my subconscious!
    Since I had been dreading this for some time, procrastinating when it came to reading the instructions was no problem. The instructions themselves, were a problem. I was put on a clear liquid diet beginning after breakfast the day before my procedure. Vodka, I might point out, is a clear liquid, but alcohol was verboten. Apparently disinfecting from the inside was not appreciated by my doctor. I don't understand this but no one has ever clutched their chest and yelled for a writer so what do I know?
    When the real prep began the evening before I opened the packet of evil and choked down the stuff from the port a potty jar enclosed in that big box. Surprisingly, nothing happened and I felt fine. The bastards lulled me into a false sense of security. The next morning at roughly 10 after dawn, I had to take another round of the vile stuff. Shortly after that I was 'deals-with-God' nauseous and living in the bathroom.
    This lasted for about three hours. Honestly, it wasn't what I was expecting. My husband warned me about an impending "poopageddon" but really the majority of what came out was clear. That is all the gory detail I need to provide, at the end of it, I felt like a wet rag, despite being dehydrated. The doctor's office wasn't kidding when they said you needed to have a driver. We arrived at the office and just to add insult to injury, I was "required" to take a pregnancy test, which I would have to pay for! That ship has sailed so long ago, it's not even a dot on the horizon.
    Thankfully, since I had zero coffee or food that day, I didn't have to wait long before I was handed a gown, cap and booties and asked to get changed. The gown was pretty much a live cotton version of a four year old's drawing of a person (with added ventilation, of course). The cap made me think of a conveyor belt full of chocolate, which I couldn't have! Luckily, I got a fantastic nurse who got me settled into a hospital bed and hooked me up to an IV filled with no fun clear liquid, so much for internal disinfection. I'm guessing the responsible grown ups were concerned about the anesthesia. They also wouldn't let me drive the bed into the procedure room. 
     I asked the nurse about the aftermath. I got the impression from my mom and my husband that I would have to have a string tied to my leg and be led home like a parade float. The doctors use a carbon based gas and not as much of it as they used to. I had been somewhat "musical" before this but I thought it would be hilarious if they used laughing gas up there. Whatever came out after that would at least sound funny but again, I don't know much about medical issues, except that I have them.
      The good news is that once they gave me the shut-up-and-go-to-sleep juice, the next thing I knew it was all over. They found nothing (my head was not, in fact, up there) and I don't have to come back for ten years. It all came out fine in the end!

The New Adventure

   It sure as hell took long enough and yet somehow it feels like it came fairly quickly. "It" was the last piece of the new job puzzle. The great county of Gloucester New Jersey moved with glacier like speed to issue my substitute teaching certificate. Yours truly is now an official substitute teacher. There were a lot of administrative hoops to jump through but zero training. I have to admit, I was/am scared s**tless. The scheduling coordinator talked me off the ledge and advised me to take a lot of aide assignments until I felt comfortable. The teachers I have met and worked with have been fabulous.
   The school district uses an automated system that calls the house and asks if I am interested in a job. We got a call at 5:15 in the blessed am! There is also an online system to select jobs. The problem is there is not a lot of detail in the job listings. I found out the hard way this is deliberate! My first assignment was with a lot of special needs Down syndrome preschoolers. One kid was emotionally disturbed and screamed almost nonstop.
   I smartened up and learned to research the teacher named in the assignment. 'Child Study Team' translates into 'tough crowd'. It is still ok to volunteer for these jobs, but if you don't have special education training, such as myself, you have to know what you're getting into.
   I was lucky in the sense that there were other aides there and one of the more experienced women took the screamer. I couldn't imagine how on earth the amazing teacher didn't run screaming from the building herself and somehow managed to conduct class! The first day was thankfully only for a half day. I was wiped out just from that! I was only visiting that room for one day. I couldn't imagine how these people deal with that every day for a whole school year. These people need capes!

Ode to a Germ

   In the town where I live now, came a germ from 'cross the sea.
   It closed everything down, people everywhere were feeling green.
   So we cleaned and sanitized and we stayed glued to our tv's.
   Now we're all stuck here inside of what we call our quarantine.

We all live in Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine.
We all live in Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine.

And our friends can't come around, stay away from uo, go next door. Take your germs and go away!

    And we hoard all our tp, every one of us, is scared to sneeze. Trapped inside, fearing disease, in our Corona Quarantine.

We all live in Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine!
We all live in Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine, Corona Quarantine!

The First Anniversary of Still Nothing

   It is an incredibly dreary day outside for a Tuesday in mid May. This is appropriate considering we are approaching a solid year of joint unemployment. We are running low on cash and ideas. Neither one of us is giving up but we are getting tired. I've given up on previous applications. It's hard to keep in mind that people don't care about getting back to you because they already have a job! What's wierd, for me, at least, is that I thought there would be some summer camp counselor part time jobs at my local school districts but I haven't found anything. Am I looking in the wrong places?
    I've been keeping tabs on how many applications I've sent out. My target is about 100 before I feel I really put a serious amount out there. The resume has also been revamped a bit, too. It was a learning experience when I found out how many formats are available and what things can make a person "look old". I removed my year of graduation long ago but there is, allegedly, a prejudice against your email format, too. The one page length is still good for me but I realized I don't need my entire work history. If anything, only the past 10 to 15 years are enough.
    I am looking for part time work that will fit in with my daughter's camp and school schedule. She is still too young to be left alone for too long, not to mention she will not be getting bussing for at least another school year. We also have a great update, to report. During this writing, we learned that my husband finally got an offer of employment. The wages are a lot less than I would prefer. The recruiter assured my husband that these were nice people and they were changing his title to include the word "Senior". If you ask me, they should have offered to increase his wages if they were really nice.
  We, as a family, have no choice in the matter because they are providing healthcare. While he will be paying bridge tolls to get to Delaware, he will be avoiding the wage tax, parking, and we hope, dry cleaning since the place is casual. My substitute teaching certificate has also finally arrived and I have begun my foray into teaching. That experience is a whole separate post. I have a lot to learn, putting it mildly. I am also finding out how out of practice I am when it comes to things like office dress, how long I need to get ready, and keeping my trap shut. Wish me luck.

Mommy has lost her s**t

   Recently I wrote about wondering how to deal with an exceptionally different relation you feel you are "stuck with". We received a phone call from the offensive party telling me to "get over it" and then demanding I come to her house! We weren't exactly eager so my spouse helped me to decide to go the next day. Regrettably, that turned out to be too soon. I had no interest in going there, much less staying. He insisted I stay and another argument ensued. I cannot recall ever being flat out furious before. It was a first, and a lot less helpful than I was hoping. I am relying heavily on my spouse these days.
   A part of me is very much hoping that "just get over it" will prove to be tougher than someone else thought. I can say for sure that my husband has never seen me that furious either. I can only hope it tells him that I was not only uber stressed but definitely pushed. An evil part of me also hopes that someone else for only a split second, would be scared of me for once, since I grew up the other way around. I also confess I'm not proud of that. I'm chalking that up to just being human. It's not something I plan on revisiting to be sure. It's also another salient reminder of what I don't want with my daughter.
    The following couple of days, phone calls were muted and a bit awkward. My guess is that the creature was finding out that "getting over it" is easier said than done sometimes.  I would like to think that she might learn from this but I'm not holding my breath.
   During this "Part 2 From Hell" the creature pointed out that its friends have their kids over all the time helping. This goes back to how I grew up. You can't expect a person to want chocolate cake right after throwing up. Our relationship is just not like that, period. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, it just is. My amazing husband still wants to keep this creature in our lives.
    My guts are telling me he is correct, despite her behavior. I want my daughter to still have a relationship with this person regardless of my feelings. He has told me that he did cut someone out for a while and later regretted it. I assume his regret was Catholic guilt related since I knew the person he cut out and I can personally attest it was well deserved. What I admire about my husband is his ability to forgive. My brain tells me it frees you but I still have trouble actually doing it. The biggest hurdle I think is knowing the offensive behavior won't change.
    Eventually, we will all get past this. We had another visit recently when we were all calmer and I got the impression that things were moving in a more progressive direction. I don't like my daughter seeing Mommy completely lose it like that. There is only scant comfort in knowing that's a rare occurrence. She covers her ears when my husband and I argue, which is infrequent generally, and even more so in front of her. 
    There's not much to be proud of during these ugly episodes but I hope my girl understands that her Mommy is human and there are limits to how people should behave, family or not. What you don't need to limit is forgiveness.