The Urge to Strangle

   My spouse and I had already reached the 'Jesus-Christ-it's-you-again' part of our marriage before this whole pandemic nightmare began. How do you cope when you're 'trapped' in the house together? There have been plenty of jokes about how there will be a lot of babies and a lot of divorces when this is over. We are too old for either. The thought of all that bleach and a big back yard can get tempting when the farm animals you live with still refuse to clean up after themselves. Like they have something else better to do?!
    Our house is a two story 40 year old colonial. The bedrooms are a bit small and it's all I can keep up with despite wishing it was a little bigger. Things would have been even more crowded with crap around here if it weren't for our annual yard sales followed by Purple Heart donations. This year has so far been the exception. I'm convinced those yard sales (and the influence of my ex, a car dealer) are what enable us to actually use our garage for our vehicles. We are hiding a multitude of sins in the basement. I'm also struggling to figure out if the walls are too thin or we've all been home too long. I'm guessing the answer here is yes.
   We all have our foibles. I think there's something about too much togetherness and almost twenty years of marriage that can magnify them. This results in not enough wine. I understand why people day drink. It's not like we're driving anywhere. I'm fighting to save my empty calories until Friday. What if it's Monday at 11am? This goes past the messiness, too. My brain is incredibly busy even when I'm not. 'Jesus Christ, will you stop chewing so fucking loud?!?!' 'Must you clear your throat every 40 goddamn seconds?!' If I'm going to stay sober, I'll need earplugs.
   Since I've been feeling as approachable as a cactus, I decided to take all this sunshine into the basement. I think I should have gone to the far back corner of said basement. My cheap headphones didn't help much either. I have a subscription to a meditation app that is helpful but still takes work for me. It's funny to think of having to work at relaxing but there you have it. The noise seeping through doesn't help but when you really need to relax and you don't have any herbs available might I suggest fighting noise with noise? I recommend the song "I've Seen All Good People" from The Yes Album. So, dear reader, what do you do to stay out of prison?

Spring is Springing Like it or not!

   I am in the semi not category. Spring cheers a lot of people. I can understand why. The weather is finally improving and there's a feeling that better days are coming. We can all use some of that these days, this year more than most. What I dread about the whole thing is the yard work and the bugs. I'm hoping I won't have much time for that once this pandemic nightmare is over. On the other hand, given how much I can't stand my fellow man, I may end up staying home again to avoid all the other yahoos who feel the desperate need to get out.
   Allergies are also in full bloom. If you aren't personally afflicted, you still get the shared joy from those who are. My yard sale has been cancelled or rather postponed indefinitely due the virus, too. I was looking forward to the cash and the clearance. The uncertainty of it all is definitely bugging me. I don't know how to handle things like summer camp and religious education. Now is the time people sign up but I'm in no hurry to send any nonrefundable deposits for things that may not happen. I can't say I've ever had a whole lot of faith in humanity, certainly not when money is involved.
   We managed to pull off a reasonable Easter, albeit the wierdest one I've ever seen. Mother's Day will most likely be underwhelming given the fact that no one is going out shopping except Mom, and that's for food. My spouse is a big proponent of shopping every other week now. Things are getting mighty grim when going to the grocery store is a big to do. It's also a game of I-wonder-what-they're-out-of-this-time, further adding to the stress. The shopping experience has turned surreal.
  I never understood how hard it is to fight off panic until I saw empty shelves in person at my local supermarket. The shelves are staying empty in our case, too. My family has gotten so used to mom being home that I don't think it occurs to them that "managing the family inventory" is actually a job now. They just seem to go get something out of the fridge or pantry with no thought to how it got there! I would also like to point out that I am not a food dispenser, I am actually a CPA, and a writer.
   I refuse to think too far ahead. It's already a struggle against depression, let's not make it worse. If I were to think far into the future, it will be to plan a thank God this is over party!

Quit shouldding on yourself Part 112

   We are knee/thigh deep in the corona virus pandemic at this writing. I have Not taught my daughter how to cook or sew, started my garden, or even written a novel. We still struggle with too much screen time and so far I've managed to not live in my pajamas every day. My girl has kept up with her homework and flute practice. When it's been decent outside, I've managed to drag my family around the block a few times. I did manage to complete an online course or two to maintain my CPA certificate, albeit barely. I did get our tax returns done as well.
   This hasn't stopped time from flying for some bizarre reason. One would have thought without anywhere to go and not much to do, time would drag on but no such luck. The house is still messy, too. My dining room has been eaten by Mom's tax returns and my daughter's school work, or at least the table has. The living room is littered with couch blankets, pillows, and snack remnants, as usual. This doesn't feel any different from life without a pandemic in the way. I can't say I'm bored. My midlife crisis is a lot more obvious without the facade of my prepandemic routines to obfuscate the view. That is depressing. 
   I have managed to finally reach out to a college and leave a message about going back. Regrettably, this whole quarantine nightmare has been giving me more time to peek in on social media. This is not good because I'm entering a world of a lot of other people with too much free time. These folks are not shy about bragging. Oy.
   Here's the bonus wierd thing. I haven't been sleeping more than usual. I set my alarm to get up during the week so I can get my daughter up to start her schoolwork. The upside to elearning is the lack of being late for a change. I also kind of enjoy not having somewhere to rush off to. This is going to be one huge adjustment when things do finally open up again. I'm pretty sure our punctuality will not have improved. Can I brag about the stuff we haven't done?

Trapped!

   What do you do when you want to run away from home during a global pandemic? I've wanted to escape before this started but now it's worse. Our house is way too small for three people and so is my marriage. Home workouts and alcohol aren't quite cutting it. I need a plan. Since this could take years, (my plan, not the pandemic) the sooner I start the better. People say the grass is always greener and I know I do run that risk so I'm feeling forced not to rush. There is also a lot to consider. I currently have no income of my own. There's not a whole lot I can do, as a practical matter, until that changes.
    The plan, at the moment, involves yours truly going back to school. What for? Therein lies the rub. I need to find something for which there will be a market while at the same time be enjoyable, or at least pleasant. How's that for chutzpah? The bonus question of who's going to pay for this adventure remains to be seen. I'm hoping to be seen as a walking tax credit or possible grant recipient sine I'm a career transitioning fifty something female. I have some research to do there. Since earth ssems to be resorting to doing everything online, pursuing a master's degree shouldn't change my schedule much.
    This will be an adjustment nonetheless. I took one college course in Grant writing from Camden County College a while ago and I was surprised to find out how much work was involved. Luckily, this course had no exams! Eating youe elephant one bite at a time should be a way of life by now but somehow I still find myself in need of constant reminders. I'm sure underemployment will end up being a blessing, too. There's a reason this will take years, not to mention the cash flow issue I'll have to manage. The slower the outflow, the better for us as a household.
   I find myself on the verge of a new adventure. Somebody get me some courage!
   

Fighting the good fight

    The announcement came and it wasn't much of a surprise. Online learning will be continued indefinitely. Honestly, I was hoping the powers that be would take this two weeks at a time. I'm trying to hang onto a little hope here! Getting comfortable with uncertainty is not my forte. If I cannot find a routine, I'll make one instead. Funny to think the routine would consist of making a list of things that will change every day.
   I'm losing track of what day it is and we are a little over two weeks into a shelter in place order! I can try to steal other peoples ideas although I admit it doesn't help on the depression front. Reading about other people's kids playing board games, doing chores, reading, and learning life skills isn't helping. I live with video game and screen addicts who have gotten way too accustomed to having mom around. I have managed to drag people out for some walks and an occasional board or card game.
    Luckily, I've still managed to enforce flute practice on a regular basis.
   Not having a routine is becoming increasingly stressful without the gyms. I took off for the first two weeks but that was really tough. You really appreciate the old routines when they're verboten. I could also use to start looking at some tang soo do videos to remember my hyungs so when I finally do get back it won't be so bad. I was getting stir crazy after three days, now it's just management. I'm happy I found the online exercise classes and now it looks like I'm getting dragged into the world of virtual meetings. My mom, of all people, has decided we need to try it.
    This whole quarantine thing is certainly producing some strange surprises. It's both comforting and annoying to have my spouse work from home every day, for example. My daughter is also, shockingly showing some initiative by occasionally getting up before me to start her schoolwork. I recently pulled out a waffle iron we got as a wedding gift and used it for the first time! Wearing masks in public, I thought, was taking things a bit too far. Now, it seems, the CDC may soon start endorsing the idea. It feels like I'm living a meme. Things couldn't get any wierder! How fucking wrong I was!!
   

Off Like a Herd of Turtles

   Hopefully, I will never see anything like this is my lifetime again. We are in what has been called a "global pandemic" and the government has requested the state to "shelter in place". I am learning that this means you are trapped like a rat in your house unless you need food or medical care. My gyms have been closed as well as my daughter's school. My husband is also working from home. I am in week two, at this writing and I can only wonder how long this is going to drag on. I am having trouble figuring out what day it is. Old beasties are starting to rear their ugly heads, too.
    When I had a routine that involved leaving the house, I was always late. Now that I'm home, I'm still late! I'm getting a later start since school is closed but I'm also finding that getting my ass in gear is taking forever. I'm turning into my daughter!   I never thought I'd have to make this much uncertainty part of a normal way of life. I thought I was floundering before.
    All this staying home is definitely getting to me. Maybe it's a lack of vitamin D, or lack of routine that's really making things difficult. The old beasts are definitely back because I don't have much room and even less equipment to work out with. I am seriously considering trying an online class just to do something. I've been dealing with a bad back for a few years now. Part of avoiding scary treatments like needles or surgery involves a lot of stretching. Some rude sit ups, push ups, and most recently squats have been added to help keep my sanity and my shape.
   Recent weather hasn't been the greatest for getting out for a walk but I've managed to drag my family out anyway. The fresh air and vitamin D is probably helping or at least keeping things from getting worse. I suppose I should be grateful I haven't resorted to excessive baking. I have managed to do some unusual things like make waffles for the first time in decades. Perhaps the best way to survive this is to look for bright spots. Hopefully they'll be carbohydrate free.

Truth In The Media and Other Mythical Creatures

    Those that know me know I shy away from politics as much as I can manage. Regrettably, the current times have gotten "Chinese curse" interesting and I admit I'm low on blog ideas today. It's mid January 2021 at this writing. Roughly one week ago, our Presidential election results were certified by Congress. That day President Trump gave a speech, people stormed the Capitol, and people died. Those are about the only clear facts I can be certain of regardless of where I heard them. My problem is finding the answers to the eight million questions I have surrounding these events.  

   I have a couple of problems. The first is overcoming my own personal bias. This is a biggie for me, and I imagine a lot of people. It's natural to seek out that which confirms what you "know". I recently began a Master's degree in Writing from Rowan University and I find myself getting sensitive to the meanings of words. Listen to any news you want these days and you're bound to hear the word "lies" get thrown around a lot. The word lie, as I understand it, means to knowingly say something that is not true. I haven't seen anything on any news cast that has looked at this.

   I would have liked to see some digging into proof that someone knew something was false and said it anyway. Such research seems to be truly rare.

   I freely admit that I can't stand Donald Trump. That being said, though, I have to take issue with how I hear the news. The 2020 election is being disputed. That's another clear fact. He's made himself look bad by saying during his campaign that if he loses, it must be fraud. My brain kept hearing this as the height of hubris. You mean that you're so wonderful it would be impossible for the majority (and by majority I mean more no than yes) of Americans to not want you back? I have a very low tolerance for people in love with themselves. My problem is being open to another interpretation of his statement. Was there one? I'm seriously asking this.

    Did we hear any further clarification on what he meant by that? If there was, I missed it. There's another point that I took issue with during this mess. I heard a lot of reporters say something like "The President was spreading misinformation." What if the guy really believed what he was saying? I would have liked to have seen some research into where he got his "misinformation". If the media takes something and just runs with it, aren't they no better than the person they're lambasting? 

    I admit I have pretty much zero faith that the President's research was NOT done anywhere else but in his bathroom on the throne. The problem is I think that's what we ALL do! If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It looks like we are all going to have to get off our thrones first.