And they all lived happily ever after….a work in progress. Who are all these happy bastards and how do I join that club? Is it because I frequently find myself sucked into my own personal vortex that I can’t see clearly? Maybe it’s because I’m too busy looking upward wondering what hit me that it’s so hard for me to learn whatever it is life is trying to teach me.
Recently, I’ve been having a hard time understanding and acting on these lessons. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to get past the initial hurts to see them clearly. Over the last five years I lost three people very close to me. The first, my Dad, was not surprising as he’d been sick. It didn’t hurt any less knowing that it was coming but at least I had the chance to say everything I needed to before he was gone.
I guess it was the next two that I have the most trouble with. The first issue I have is with God or the higher powers that be. It’s because they were sudden and, in my opinion, undeserved. Al was my former fiancé and while he wasn’t the right spouse for me, he was still a good person. The last time we spoke he was just getting his life together. All the issues that had plagued our relationship were finally becoming clear to him. I even told him that it was good that he was figuring these things out now while he was still young enough to make the changes he wanted. He was worried he was too old. We had no idea he was right. Three days after we spoke, he was gone.
Are we fated to live only a certain amount of time? Why take away a person’s chance for a fresh start just when he was finally ready? In Al’s case it was a freak accident while cleaning his truck. My regrets are small potatoes compared to how unfairly his life was cut short. I was sorry I hadn’t kept in touch with Al more closely over the years.
The last loss was probably the hardest and most shocking. It was the hardest for me because I had so many regrets and missed opportunities. Connie’s loss ripped a hole in our family. I lost my sister, her son lost his mom, and my mother lost a daughter. It doesn’t get much more shocking than a brain aneurism late at night. At six weeks old, Claire didn’t understand her Aunt’s funeral.
In the following two years, the only time I’ve seen my mother happy like she used to be was when she spent time with my daughter. Why do I never hear about these kinds of things happening to bad people? I remember a friend once remarked ‘What makes you think God wants the bad people any more than you do?’
There are plenty of things I’m still struggling to understand. The basic things I get. Appreciate the time you have since you can never tell how much you’ll have. Cherish your family and loved ones since they are only on loan from God. Do what you love, life is short.
So why do I find myself stuck in my own personal vortex instead of acting on the lessons that hurt so much to acquire? Wasn’t this sinking in? Was it complacency and fear of the unknown? I’m sure that’s some of it. My vortex is a comfortable place, after all. Breaking out of this pattern I’ve established takes more than courage, it needs justification, too. If I’m not earning money, cleaning something, or spending time with Claire, I’m goofing off, right? Focus on writing for the joy of it and the rest will take care of itself. Have faith.
Treating the pursuit of my dream as important as a job – what a fairy tale!
No comments:
Post a Comment