Homework, at my a

   I'm sure I've skirted around this topic forever if I really think about it. It takes a huge smack in the face for me to finally pay attention, as usual. Motherhood has been the only thing that I can definitively say has not been a waste of my time. The issue is feeling like a nonvaluable member of my family despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Did I mention feelings have nothing to do with being rational? It's like the tax code but that's a rant for another day. I've given it some thought and it seems that everything I associate with my value seems to involve me getting paid. How can I change this mindset without a lobotomy, you ask? Beats me.

  There was a study once that measured what a person would make per year doing the full time mom job. It was around 120k back then! Who knows what it would come to now. It's funny that I borrowed a movie from the library about an architect who stopped designing buildings for 20 years and was starting to go nuts. Her friend tells her that her problems, while amusing, could be solved by getting her ass back to work creating. So am I an artist now? I don't feel like one. I do, however, feel like it's time to get my ass in gear and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

   This feeling has been going on for years. I am finally taking action to get myself out of my career rut. Where is the credit? I haven't slacked off in my Wilma Flintstone duties, which I admit were a pretty comfy thing to hide behind. I wonder how I managed to finally pull myself out of my turtle shell before this pandemic nightmare and stay out after it hit. Would a jury in the world have convicted if I decided to stay home longer due to a pandemic? Some would have said no, except my own mother. My mother would have - and has repeatedly- said you need to get a job. Credit doesn't run in the family.

     I grew up in a climate of inadequacy. The house wasn't clean enough, there wasn't enough money, and there was always something wrong with me, too. Everything, and everyone could always be better. The problem with this was it never allowed me to like myself. I'm trying like hell to avoid this with my own kid. It would help in this effort if I could learn to accept myself as an adult. That's still a tall order. How do you separate wanting to improve versus liking yourself as you are? It may come down to my old nemesis, patience. I have, and continue to make progress, even if it feels like a glacial pace.

The big block

    I'm here, attempting to write something because I know tomorrow is going to be nuts and I may not get a chance. The problem is I'm hopping like a frog on a hot stove and I find myself frequently sidetracked. You would think I'd be a little better able to keep up since I haven't been able to sleep in like I did over the Summer. I may have overbooked myself this time. Doing two classes when you haven't been in college in over 30 years is a lot to pull off. I'm still getting my legs under me. That is more of a process than I have patience for. It's the technology that's been the worst part so far. 

  I am slowly getting there, I just wish it wasn't so painful - and slow! I had to post a two minute video for a class the other day. It took me an hour and a half. I was ready to turn my new pc into a dammit doll. I have to acquire a habit of completing a covid 19 screening for my daughter online for every morning she goes into school. You get to learn all about new and different computer errors when you do this. So far, I've only had to sprint back to the house to do this once while she was on the bus. She's also forgotten her mask once too. We are lucky to live close to the bus stop. 

   It's also a bit odd that since I've finally committed myself and started school, I thought I would feel "employed" or "legitimately busy" in a sense. This still hasn't happened because I am not making any money. School needs to come first and I still can't seem to get off my own back. Did I mention a lack of patience? There is some bonus guilt over not substitute teaching yet, too. Must everything be tied to money? I get it that my kiddo doesn't need me as much as she used to but she still needs me some. I don't regret motherhood for a minute, but the pay sucks.

   It would behoove me to let a few things go in the whirl of all this busyness. I could use to let my kid fall flat on her face once in a while, for one thing. Valuing my own efforts would be another. I can't wait around for a cheering section to pop up, so I need to be my own. You go, me, yeah! Life goes on when I can't pull everything off in one day. Somehow we're all still alive. Not every job will involve money. The most important stuff doesn't, after all. What will people remember when they close the lid? I'm pretty sure it won't be my bank balance and I certainly won't be wishing I'd spent more time working. Let it go, mommy, you won't be able to hang onto it anyway!