Stop shoulding on yourself!

   It's been a pretty good summer so far. As of this writing, it is mid August and I am enjoying the last few days of relative freedom before the end of summer camp. The last few days, however, my old friend, guilt, has been rearing its ugly head, a bit more than usual. I'm blaming my spouse, I think he's contagious. After fourteen years of employment in the same place, he has recently found himself unemployed. This was a lot like watching Wile E. Coyote hit a brick wall.
   So why the guilt? I believe it's the fish pond I'm swimming in. My spouse, in response to this "new normal", has been job hunting like mad and when he's not, he's been doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning our basement and other such useful things. Mommy, on the other hand, has been not quite so busy. Boy does that feel wierd!! I was actually trying to scrape up something to do to avoid that elephant in the room, known as my mid life crisis. I should be sending out submissions and researching college courses, but that laundry he did needs to be folded! Is there a career that involves avoidance? If there is, I've found my calling.
   I always knew I was an odd bird, it's the degree of weirdness that can throw me for a loop. I am guessing this lack of discipline stems from lack of desire and/or fear. You must not want X bad enough if you're not willing to do Y to get it. That much I can understand. I'm disappointed in how my sense of discipline has gone downhill. When I was younger I pulled off the CPA exam and managed my 5th degree black belt, so what happened? Change is scary, so I'm sure that's part of it. I also need to eat my elephant one bite at a time but I could use a good plan of attack - or recipe?
     UPDATE:  Seven months have flown by and I have seen a career counselor. My husband is still home and seriously freaking out. I have completed only about 30 applications but I found a "bridge" job. I will begin, of all things, substitute teaching in a few weeks. I am still in the process of jumping through the necessary hoops but I am making headway. The commute will be less than five minutes so I'm sure to be barely on time. This will be a huge change and an education for me. The funny part is if I thought my own kid was a wealth of material to write about, this new adventure might just generate a book. Stay tuned, dear reader!

I get by with a little help.....

    The older I get, the more I am forced to admit I need help. This is hardly a shock but it's the wide variety and level on which said help is needed that I find staggering. I need help from my husband, Google, caffeine, chocolate, profanity and alcohol just to get through one lousy week, nevermind life in general. We've let earth know we're both looking for work in the hopes that it will stir up some leads. What's funny is that I am not aware of asking for a lot of help from people over the years. That doesn't mean I haven't gotten a lot of help. It just means that recently I've been so introspective I've had my head up my ass.
    It appears that I've always been this way. There's an old therapist joke that goes 'If it's not one thing, it's your mother.' I grew up in an environment which did not allow me to feel safe/relax. I will not get into the gory details but suffice it to say that I am an introvert from way back. Thrown in a stiff amount of stubborn and you've got a recipe for an independent streak a mile wide. The problem begins when the brain ignores the body. It's the equivalent of your mouth writing checks that your ass can't cash. I am currently working on a poem about this very subject.
   I have had to be beaten over the head with my own physical limitations recently and it looks like my ego got the worst of it. In fact, it's still recovering from the assault after a whole year. The stubbornness refuses to permit much in the way of actual changes. The body does the same things the brain has always insisted on, there's just a lot more bitching and sound effects involved. When it comes to asking for help, the mouth would have an easier time spitting out pinecones. Did I mention the ego is still recovering?
     Where does stubborn meet gratitude? I am still functioning, after all, even if it's tougher in patches. I figure I've already past the point where it literally is all downhill from here. Hopefully,  some shred of wisdom has accumulated enough for me to be able to see I need help, ask for it, and God forbid, be grateful it's there.
   Postscript: This was orinally written a few months ago. We are both working now in albeit not that great jobs. They are jobs, nonetheless, and the checks clear. We also still have our health and good friends. For the record, we are lucky to have our friends and we know it!

Still more hunting

   Those that know my family, and/or have suffered through my blog know that me and my spouse are both looking for work. Too much fun for humans is a pale description of the aggravation we have seen so far, especially my husband. I don't think I've seen anyone try harder to find a job than my spouse and yet remain unemployed. He is getting plenty of interviews but no offers. We are scratching our heads over this but I have a few theories. I'm afraid it has do with our ages. We have had to remove the years of college graduation from our resumes and Linked In profiles to help in our searches.
    We are both very convinced that there is a "grey tax". People don't want to hire a person who looks older bacause of the expense. My spouse, God bless him, understands that he may have to "start over" and has adjusted his expectations accordingly. We think, however, that employers may be thinking if we hire this guy for dirt, he's going to leave as soon as he finds something better. It would appear that he can't win for losing! If hadn't already been losing his hair, I think he'd be pulling it out.
    I'm still getting used to the idea that you don't get a response to the applications you send, either. I still have memories of those have-a-nice-life postcards people would send. My spouse is very big on following up to the point where he is spending almost as much time working the phones as he is finding places to apply. I haven't followed up much myself, mostly because I have gotten used to sending out writing submissions where that's par for the course.
    I was also rudely surprised to find that not only do employers not mention training in any of the job descriptions I've been seeing, when it is mentioned, they expect you to pay for it! (No, it's not reimbursed, either.) The whole problem of being unemployed is that you don't have any money, hellloooooo! Then there are the paid subscriptions to allegedly "help" you find work. Who are these pondscum and how can they take advantage of people when they're down??!! (Ok, I admit I'm naiive but that's just uber slimy.)
     So here we are, mid March, as of this writing and both still unemployed. I'm open to suggestions, dear reader.

The search continues

   Welcome to my mid life crisis - still going on. It's irrational but I find myself getting jealous of other people's success. My brain knows that it comes from hard work and persistence, not sitting around stuck. The problem seems to be with me being home and needing a clear direction and focus. I recently saw a career counselor and so far, it's only been one visit but she's given me a lot to think about. I want to be aware that these visits are not going to be some quick magic cure. Besides still not being clear on what I'm passionate about, the other problem is discipline. It's a big ingredient in progress and I used to have it. So what happened?!
    I'm guessing that a big part of this mental flotsam is our current family situation. There is no money coming in, as of this writing, and so I am working to find a grown up job. My age, however, is still screaming in my ears "What are you meant to do with your life?!" . There are reminders everywhere to not give up chasing something I enjoy. Humor seems to be at the heart of almost everything for me, but I'm wondering how do I use that beyond just surviving a Tuesday? There is a small bit of hope. I'm pretty sure that no matter what happens, it will not end up perfect and not only is that okay, that's was never the goal anyway.
    I'm sure I've been setting my bar too high, I always have. I do tend to ignore my own progress. Seeing a counselor when I'd been talking about it for months is just one example. Baby steps are still steps. I think I need to have that tattooed somewhere. There is also a limit to what I can control. Once you've tried your ass off, the rest is out of your hands. It's a job just finding things to apply for, and so far I've managed to find around 30. (I've even gotten 3 responses!) Not giving up is the most important thing I can do, besides being a mom, of course.
  The most important opinion about this entire mess is my own. I also have to remember that crisis or not, we still have bills. Being a grown up doesn't mean giving up. Practicality can be a necessary detour, for now. Stay tuned.

The new old hunt, Part 112

   I managed, over the weekend, to come up with a list of targets for my job hunt. It wasn't easy since I had to pull out of the internet wormhole known as work from home jobs. There are still some of "those sites" on my list but it's easier to check an item off a list rather than aimless floundering. I'm working on my "second twenty". Since it's easier to eat your elephant one bite at a time, I chopped my job hunt into segments of applications. My guess is that it's going to take up to 100 applications for me to find something and so far I'm 20 percent there. I hope 100 will be enough but at a minimum I know I'll feel like I've made a good effort.
   It really is a full time job to look for work and I find the discipline part of it to be a real struggle. I am constantly reminding myself that even just looking counts.putting it mildly, this is a way no fun experience. The question is why? The jobs themselves don't seem that appealing and the ones that do, wouldn't hire me because I'm either too old or not qualified. If I'm having this much fun with part time hourly crap, it's no wonder my middle aged spouse is going nuts. I haven't been too fussy with my search criteria - or at least I didn't think so. I've applied for other jobs besides mattress tester at $40 an hour, after all.
     I admit I'm having a problem discussing this with my spouse, though. He's supported us for years with me being home. Other people would have been way more obnoxious about me being a full time mom. When I brought up the idea of me getting a job, he would always tell me he wants me to find something I like. Putting it mildly, I feel really wierd about asking him to consider something like a sales job.
    I'm also discovering that a lot of the websites I am using to conduct my search are trying to sell me subscriptions. Hellooooooo, since when do unemployed humans have money for subscriptions?!  It feels a lot like going to a bank to ask for a loan and the first question they ask is 'Do you have any money?'.  The stressful part (or one streesful part) is that if one of us has to go back to school, how do we pay for it? Should I consider janitorial work (paid -that is) ? This whole thing is enough to make my head explode but then, someone would have to clean up the mess. Stay tuned.....

Another new project or Rubber Ducky - The Musical

    Those that know us as a family, know that I am the proud mom of an adhd kiddo. We have been seeing a therapist to help us with all sorts of problems like the electronics addiction, bedtime routines, and helping our daughter when she gets upset. My spouse was less than enthusiastic about going and doesn't really believe in therapists generally but he does go and is willing, when harassed, to put the advice we get into practice. Some ideas work better than others, of course, but this is no exact science, this is parenthood. Our latest adventure was in the bathtub.
    This particular voyage encountered rough seas when we received our water bill. It was definitely an attention getting figure, to quote my spouse "You'd think we still had our pool!". Thus we began to look at our water use. It is well known that my lovely, brilliant daughter is not famous for her attention span. This is a very pervasive problem. I will frequently find her on her bed, reading when she's supposed to be getting ready for a shower. Once she finally gets in there, she would spend most of the time singing into the shower head, putting on a rubber duck musical, or wiping down the glass doors with body wash!
    I had been trying to think of a "something " we could use in the shower to fix the problem but I was a bit stuck. Our therapist helped me to put the idea into more concrete terms and helped us to come up with a plan to get our little squirrel to focus and stay on task. We had tried phone timers but with only limited success. The next idea was to give her majesty a hard candy to suck on while she's showering and when it was done, so was she. This helped a little. The best idea so far, for us, has been the waterproof picture.
    My friends know I have a voice for accounting, my artistic skills are a close second. I tried to draw a front and back picture of a general human figure and regrettably, that was just what it looked like. My husband went online and found a good picture that didn't look like a medical textbook and printed it for me. I wanted to make it look a bit less like a chalk outline so I decided to change the head to a picture of a character from one of our daughter's favorite video games. I'm no expert on copyright laws but I'm glad this thing isn't leaving our bathroom.
     Once I had our segmented body, freakishly large head and all, taped together and cut out, we took it to Staples and got it laminated. Unfortunately, now when you take a shower, there is a segmented body hanging there, staring at you, waiting for you to wash something and turn a piece over. I think I'll start with the head. The things we do for love!
 

My Brain Needs a Hobby

      I'm overdue for a humorous post but it feels like my tank is empty. It's February, as of this writing, in 2019. I've said that after 2018 we've had no where to go but up. Two months into the new year have left me unimpressed. We are both unemployed and with no income coming in, things have been getting difficult. I tried a part time job that flopped and if ever there was a time when my mid life crisis was in my face, it's now. I have plans to find a career counselor to help me plan my second act but now I'm concerned about how much it will cost.
      We have never been the paycheck to paycheck type of family and that's been really helpful to us,  especially now. The problem is the whole business of the job hunt dragging on for so long. We have used up way more of our savings than I would like and I'm having trouble scraping up job leads. Things have been quiet for my spouse, too and putting it mildly, we're both getting impatient. It's hard having faith that things will work out for the best after this much time has gone by. My brain knows that after you've done everything you can, it's in God's hands, but my heart was never the faithful type.
     It is tougher to see the enjoyable parts of this as time goes on. I know things could turn on a dime and there are parts of this I will even miss. I will look back on this time and be glad we got a few things done around the house. Truthfully, I was hoping to do a little better than that. We have no catastrophic illness to deal with, thankfully, only each other. Oddly enough, this has been both our biggest problem and opportunity. We've managed to sneak out to a grown up movie once or twice but with money being so tight we could use to find more ways to bring us closer together on the cheap.
     I'm rather disinclined to go shopping these days, unless it's a thrift store or a flea market and it's not really my spouse's favorite activity. That leaves movies at home, video games and non g rated things I won't get into here. I suppose we could try cooking together as long as everyone's in a good mood before they pick up anything sharp. It occurred to me that I may be able to talk him into a puzzle or board game now and then. It also occurred to me that I should be asking him for some ideas and while I'm at it, how about you, dear reader? What do you do with your spouse?
     

The loss

   I had a funeral recently. I'm not sure what it is about winter but if you know someone who may 'leave the building', there's a good chance they're going to do it around the holidays. Luckily, for lack of a better word, my friend got to spend one last Christmas with his family. We are at the age where a lot of our friends will be burying their parents. We are in the 'You're Next!' generation. This particular person was a well loved instructor at my dojang and I trained with his daughter and her kids, too.
   If it could be said there was such a thing as a "great funeral", this was definitely one of them. There were an unbelievable amount of pictures from his life, from baby pictures and newspaper clippings to military photos. I learned he was a paratrooper, a bronze star recipient, and a Vietnam veteran. Funny how someone I knew as being a cuddly loveable old guy was one badass in his youth. Very few people knew about this side of him, it turns out. It was a military funeral with a salute and a flag draped coffin. We were warned there would be gunfire but it still startled me.
   There was a well deserved police escort from the funeral home to the cemetary, too. This was another first for me. It was also packed and it wasn't just because he had a large family. I found myself jealous wondering if my funeral would come anywhere close. My life, to date, hasn't exactly been lived in the service of my community and country. Our family is also really small.
   He was an instructor at my karate school and a walking wealth of information. I wish more people would write books about their lives. The knowledge loss was almost as big as the personal. He was never one to complain, no matter how he felt and he was always willing to help people learn things. It stinks when you get used to seeing a person and you get "too comfortable". It was hard for me to go to class before but I always looked forward to seeing him. Now, it's almost impossible. I miss the elephant that's no longer in the room. The saving grace is that we are all in the same boat.
    We learned a lot of new things about someone we saw on a regular basis, but the biggest lesson we all learned was humility.

The End of an Era?

   It is mid January, as of this writing, and so far, I'm not impressed. There has been one small improvement for me so far. A good friend introduced me to her boss who agreed to give me some part time work during tax season. Technically, I should be happy about this. We've had nothing coming in money wise for the past seven months so how about a little gratitude? I will freely admit to some whining, after all, isn't that what blogging is for? My biggest whine is that God forbid I find something close to my house. The other whine is that I was told I may have to attend a lunch meeting at a nice local restaurant. Wait, what??!! This is a problem??!!
    It is, in a way, but mostly, it's my problem. The opportunity to resolve or get rid of old baggage is here. O Goody, I love facing down old crap that I can't fix by punching people! That whole violence thing feels good but not only doesn't solve anything, it gets expensive. Ok, my ancient problem began with my last part time job ending. There was a woman who thought she was my boss although this was never made clear to me. My real boss had the people skills of a shoe and refused to investigate when she began to badmouth me.
   The error here is mine in that I should  have taken steps to correct the issue when it happened, for whatever good it may have done me at the time. The other error, or more accurately, defect, is my hanging onto this pain/irritation/annoyance for years. I read somewhere once that anger is like fire, it hurts the one who holds it. Clearly, these people could care less about how they behaved, so why do I? My brain insists on hanging onto this baggage like an irrational pit bull. What am I getting out of it?
   Most importantly,  why should I be the one to feel awkward if I should see said backstabber from the past at this lunch meeting? I keep trying to tell myself that karma takes care of people like that but I have an enormous list of people that karma forgot. Middle fingers at a networking event are considered bad P.R. and I'm pretty sure my new boss doesn't deserve that. A friend suggested that while I will probably see that creature I should try to focus on possibly meeting a good person there. My spouse brought up an even crazier idea, what if I end up liking this job? Imagine me, dear reader, taking a turn for the positive, how crazy is that?
Prologue: In a shocking turn of events this job didn't work out. It's now the following Summer and I have become a substitute teacher. More rants to follow.

The family GPS falls flat on her face

   I am the mom, a veritable hat rack of roles around here, most notably the family gps. "Mom!, where's my noun of the day ?" "Have you seen my noun of the day ?" You get the idea. In fact,  I've ranted about this before. So what's different this time? Well, recently we learned another valuable lesson as parents. Do NOT trust your ADHD 10 year old with anything small and expensive. This week's lost item is a video game that Mommy (vicious creature that I am) refuses to replace.
   Herein lies the rub, Dad and I were the geniuses who gave our girl said small and expensive item so we bear some responsibility. What I struggle with is the ADHD piece of the puzzle. It is only an explanation of how her majesty's brain works, not carte blanche to be irresponsible as hell because Mom and Dad will fix it.
   The bonus wrinkle here for us, at least, is the fact that we only have one child. You parents of multiples are my heroes. I used to find it funny when my daughter would say "Look at me." Who else do we look at???!! but I digress. This comes down to picking our battles. I have no problem, generally, letting our little princess fall flat on her face, I've even been known to point and laugh. The question is how hard do we let her fall?  Just to get things even hairier let's throw in the Daddy to the rescue problem. I mentioned I have no problem watching our kiddo fail, Daddy, however, is another matter.
    My spouse is well aware of his inherent weakness when it comes to our little princess. It's often my job (besides maid, vegetable gestapo, and general fun killer) to remind him that we are not doing her any favors here. The likelihood of her growing up to be a major crime boss with a staff of "fixers" is right up there with us hitting the lottery. She is book smart, but evil, world domination clever, not so much. This kid has only recently accepted the fact that there is a need for deodorant.
    I am ok with and love my late bloomer, I just hope she gets her petals banged up a bit in the process.

New Year Old Problem

     It's  the New Year, Yay! Out with the old, in with the new and all that crap! I am, as of this writing, the same bummed out grump I was last year this time. The holidays being over always get to me. I should take a page from the Retail industry and look for the next holiday. The trouble is, I can't find one, or not a big one. There are plenty of smaller things coming up for me to focus on but none of them are much fun. Considering the fact that after 2018, we have no where to go but up, I should be able to scrape up some hopeful enthusiasm for the New Year, right?
   I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we, as a family, are feeling a little beat up from last year. It could be that the last few months of the year flew by in such a blur that I feel like I didn't get a chance to really enjoy them. Being surrounded by reminders like large trees and house lights takes up a lot of space in our small house and when they're gone, the place can really feel empty. Add Winter, not much else holiday wise, tax filing and unemployment and you've got a basic recipe for depression.
   The question becomes what to do about it? The answer, regrettably didn't change from last year. When I can't find a holiday, I'll make one instead. (Thank you, Dr. Suess!) Enter, oddly enough, football season. Those that know me know I am no football fan. I am, however, a fan of getting our group of usual suspects together for a party. It also forces me to keep our house clean (reasonably). Wine notwithstanding, the big thing I enjoy about our gatherings is the opportunity to play games. It's the only time I get to use the adult card games that otherwise sit in our basement. We, as a group, are far from serious and there hasn't been a game yet in which at least one of  us laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.
    It may or may not help to remember that since Christmas managed to sneak up on me, I'm sure summer will, too. I seem to have a problem with trying to plan ahead versus living in the present moment. Right now, however, I'm having a problem scraping up any enthusiasm for either. It looks like I'm going to have to fake it till I make it. It would just be nice if that weren't the story of my life! Happy Winter, everyone!

Optimistic game plan - again

   It is the end of October, as of this writing and I am amazed again at how fast I got here. Didn't I just send all my guests home after New Year's? We are now knee deep in another Hallothankmas. I am way ready for Halloween, of course. We are decorated, I have our candy, and my daughter's costume is just about ready. You would think I would be halfway ready for Thanksgiving  and Christmas, too. The stores near me had their Halloween stuff out in August. I've been seeing Christmas things out now for weeks, too. So far, mercifully, I haven't  heard any carols yet.
    You would think with all this "retail assistance" that I'd be ready for the holidays with time to spare. I have yet to pull this off, although God knows it's not for lack of trying. I have yet to understand how/why the mad scramble happens every year. Some years I am further behind than others. My summer clothes are still in my drawers in late October, this doesn't bode well for my end of year plans. I may have to consider resorting to something crazy like asking for help or cutting back on the pantloads of cards and cookies.
    If the idea of "cutting back" in the age of the supermom is repulsive, there is always starting early. So far, I've only heard that this works, I've never actually done it myself. It does not work with housecleaning, given the farm animals I live with, but there are plenty of other things I could do. Here's another crazy idea, while we're at it, how about not even trying to live la vida Facebook and ignore what other people are doing? Well now I'm taking this "peace on earth(or at least my house)" business too far.
    Even scarier is the fact that right after Halloween, we only have about two and a half weeks until Thanksgiving. I am way not ready for that! This time of year is the hardest for me to stay in the present moment and God forbid, enjoy the now. Can you get jingle stress in October? It looks like I'm going to have to resort to lists in order to hang onto my sanity and remain more sober than not. Recently, I've been finding them to be helpful, even if I can't pull off everything I put on them. They help me prioritize, and considering I have enough notepads from various charities to wallpaper my house, why not make use of them?
    Let's just hope said lists don't get lost in all the clutter! Oh, and Happy Holidaze.

HAPPY Halloween?

   I have been on the hunt for a Halloween costume, on the cheap, of course, for my honey bun. It's been too much fun for humans this year. Frequently I dodge this bullet because I put a costume on her September birthday list. We struck out this year because her majesty has gotten interested in hard to find video game based outfits that grownups wear for cosplay. She is pushing mommy's creativity to it's limits again. I sprung for an overpriced hat on Amazon that allegedly won't arrive until November 1st! Halloween is not supposed to be stressful! My parents never went through this crap!
    It's easy to lose perspective in an environment that's lousy with marketing. Halloween is only one day. Costumes should be budgeted accordingly. I got lucky one year when our girl went out in a one piece pajama that doubled as a pokemon that year. Manufacturers really need to jump on that bandwagon and make more varied pajamas. Wouldn't it be great to get more than one use out of a Halloween costume?       This year I am trying to focus on accessories, rather than something overpriced and outgrown in ten minutes. I am also grateful our girl was never the half naked  "Disney princess" type. I had no interest in sending our girl out freezing for the sake of some outfit on a late October evening. I'll have to deal with that soon enough without a holiday. The accessories aren't exactly budget friendly, either. Eventually, I'll be lucky if I recoup a very small percentage of what we paid for various hats and props at our yard sale.
    Our girl is approaching an age where we can use makeup. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I guess it still beats a skimpy outfit but hopefully my skills with makeup will improve before it matters too much. I am trying, despite my dna, to not wait until the last minute next year. Despite her squirrely personality, I'm hoping to pin our girl down to a definite selection early enough for us to be completely ready. I would love to just relax and focus on what the holiday is really about - free chocolate!

I got nothing

   I have no real clue what I want to say here so I'm writing anyway in the hopes my coffee will kick in and provide some much needed assistance. Maybe because it's Monday, as of this writing, and raining, my brain is still asleep. I can understand that since I wish the rest of me was also in bed. This past weekend was a bit busy and next weekend looks even busier. I wish I could just go to a pumpkin patch like we usually do this time of year without having to squeeze it in. I prefer Saturdays for these things but so far, that's not looking good for us. It figures since the weather is supposed to be nicer the day I'm too busy to go.
   It is also finally starting to feel like fall so I guess my natural desire to get warm and cozy is kicking in. It's been four months since we went on vacation and I miss the beach. Mostly I miss the warmth and the stress relief. Dealing with my mother is the most stressful part of my job as a stay at home mom. It's a good lesson on what I want with my daughter as she gets older. I get it, that life isn't always going to be smooth but I want to become the older person my daughter looks forward to seeing, not a problem to be dealt with. These days I'm trying to decide if it's easier to cut visits and contact shorter or deal with longer but less frequent visits.
   I've also decided to look into what I can control. There are ways to shut down hostility from others, respectfully hanging up is one example. I haven't done this myself yet but I plan to try. There's a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". I found a copy of it on my bookshelf! I need to make the time to read it. Actually doing this will not be easy but I'm hoping it will also help me deal with someone else going through puberty, too. The biggest battle I have is not getting pulled into other people's drama. Right now, however, it feels like I'm in a drama sandwich!
   The best I can do, it seems, is to document as much of this bologna as I can in the hopes of using it as a guide for what I don't want. A big thing to hang onto is remembering that I have no reason to apologize for my choices to anyone, including my mother. I am curiously looking forward to reading this again at some point in the future. I want to know how it will feel when my daughter is where I am now. Being aware of what I don't want is the first step. I just hope it's enough.

Drawing a blank

   We are in the post birthday letdown week. The party was thrown, a bit underwhelming for attendance but I think the guest of honor had fun and in the end, I remind myself, that's all that counts. I am one of those dinosaurs who still believes in thank you notes, even if I don't enjoy writing them. We also very rarely receive them.
    Ironically, I have no problem writing other things, like blog posts. What's amazing to me is that my daughter hates writing. I frequently wonder whose dna this is for a lot of reasons but this does have me scratching my head. Her issue mostly centers around the physical act of writing. Admittedly, her handwriting makes a lot of prescriptions look neat. We have a hard time getting her to understand that the more you practice, the better it will get. She much prefers to throw a huge hissy fit and drag things out rather than put it in the rear view. I have yet to understand this.
   I am an eat your frog first person. I don't recall when, exactly, I latched on to this piece of logic but I have noticed that I usually feel better. My grown up brain forgets that ten year olds don't have much life experience to draw on. The ADHD part of our girl's brain also gets easily overwhelmed these days by seemingly small things when it's something she hates and when hormones are rearing their ugly heads. We forget to take things in small pieces. Grown up brains get tired, cranky, and just want homework killed off. There's also our already developed sense of discipline that we dream we'll see in her. The question is when???
    Regrettably, they no longer teach cursive writing in school. Even her teachers are not happy with this revolting development. It occurred to me that when you have a room full of bad penmanship that you aren't allowed to fix, you'd use the computer, too. Mercifully, my daughter's teachers told us they want the kids to be able to at least sign their names by the end of the year. I've also read that for some reason, ADHD kids do better at writing cursive than print. The problem is that physical ability and willingness are two different animals!

Pobody's Nerfect

   So far, it's been a crazy fall. We aren't even that far into it, really.  It is late September,  as of this writing, and I'm still adjusting. Our daughter has entered the double digits and we've been busy as a family organizing a birthday outing, a yard sale, and a family party. In all the chaos of the last several weeks, the unthinkable happened.  I MISSED A LIBRARY BOOK SALE!! Those familiar with our home would say we could build furniture with all the books we have as it is, why would you need more?
    I admit I have long standing book issues. This most recent error really bothered me because it's never happened before but there's also more to it than that. I hate book dealers with a passion. I've ranted about these creatures before and have made no attempt whatsoever to conceal my feelings when I'm at a book sale. I believe they even know me, not by name, I'm proudly the crazy b***h that hates dealers. Missing the opportunity to bug these people just by my presence feels like making a wicked witch happy. (See earlier sentence about "book issues" and remove the word "book".)
   If I remember correctly, I was dimly aware there was a sale that day. We even drove past it, according to my spouse. So what the hell happened, you may ask? My theory is that I became distracted by Amish market coupons and my daughter's tenth birthday trip. We were very concerned about the weather that day since we had been getting stupid amounts of rain recently and I had no "plan B".  We arranged to meet my daughter's friend and his family at the beach that day.
   Going to a book sale and trying to limit my time there is like telling someone, I'm going to a crack den, I'll be out in ten minutes! It may have been doable to have gotten up and gone early but not easy and definitely upsetting for my spouse. It would have taken a lot to get me out of there and starting the day pissed off is not a good idea.
   Forgiving yourself and moving on remain lofty goals for me these days. I can't remember everything. Like most things I worry about, our shore outing turned out great. Our little girl had a great time and we got away with celebrating relatively cheaply. My greedy bulldog brain wants everything and wants it perfect. Anybody know of a book I can read that might help?

Happy birthday to who?

    Today my baby is ten! She is so excited to reach double digits, mommy, not so much. Coping with my birthday was tough enough. I remember my father 's words, 'It could be worse, you could have a kid your age!'. He couldn't have been more right but today is definitely a layer cake of emotions for me. I enjoy seeing her happy, but getting older scares me. It was comforting to hang onto the little kid phases because hey, I can't be that old if I'm the parent of a toddler, right?
   There is an upside to the changes. She is remarkably perceptive when she wants to be and can certainly do a lot more for herself.  The downside of course, is when you realize that you aren't needed as much, shouldn't you be doing something else? Therein lies the rub. What, exactly "else" should that be? I've only been trying to answer that question for the last ten years now! Time hasn't been going by any slower to give me time to figure this out, either.
   I did manage to put a thumbnail scratch in this iceberg recently when I spoke to one of my daughter's school counselors to find out how she got where she was in her job. It was enlightening and somewhat scary but I'm glad I did. The education required and the internships sounded overwhelming but at least I found out what was involved. I also got some good advice from a friend who suggested rather than going back to school, I should consider getting a job at a school to see if I even like the environment.
   Smart friends can be a real asset, but they can also be a pain in the ass when they make you think! There was no arguing that she had a point. There is also the minor detail that we, as of this writing, have zero income coming in and a degree can cost around $26,000. There is also one more consideration, the bane of my existence, letting go. How is this a problem? Some people have gotten a bit spoiled with Mom being home full time. If I am working, that leaves less time to spoil people.
   How do I manage to let people do more for themselves and dare I dream it?, help more around the house? If you want to get really crazy, being less bitter about what slobs I live with would go a long way to saving my sanity, too.  How exactly does one pull this off? I'm open to suggestions.
 

Happy Mother's Day A**hole!

   Have you ever found yourself so upset by someone that you can't even think about them without boiling? What do you do if that someone is family? There was a meme recently that described talking to stupid people (or ignorant and hurtful in my case). It described playing chess with a pidgeon that would s**t all over the board and strut around like it won anyway. I am dealing with someone who refuses to look at their own behavior for what it is, forget changing it. Those that know us understand our current situation is difficult with us both being unemployed.
   Recently, I had the unfortunate experience of having this creature in my house and it started spewing a stream of ridiculous Captain Obvious nonsense. It put pressure on what we've all known to be a high pressure situation and made it worse. I have never seen anybody in the history of job seeking work harder to find a job than my spouse.
    I was told "I want to help, but I need to see some effort from you." Forgetting the fact that I never asked for "Help" and haven't needed much in well over 20 years, what bothered me the most was the complete and total ignoring of all of our job hunting efforts. I can handle personal attacks on me, I have for years, but to attack my husband and insult his manhood in our home was astounding, to say the least. I am very sorry I didn't throw it out of my home right then and there.
   Part of the fault here is mine to be sure. I've been guilty of oversharing. I have never asked for money nor have I complained about our bills, except maybe the COBRA. Perhaps that was even too much. I stopped calling, why stick a fork in my eye?
    My husband , God bless him, has been a huge help. He reminded me that life is too short and I need to let the anger go. This is especially true when the person in question is as flexible as concrete and, more to the point, could care less how you feel. Why should I carry around a ball of anger in my stomach, is it doing me any good? The problem is the actual lettng go, part. Forgiveness is allegedly freeing but how to pull it off regardless of the ignorance of the offender is another matter. Putting it mildly, I'm open to suggestions on this one!
 

The mid life crisis continues

   Hangovers are God's way of saying you were a colossal idiot last night. What's ironic is that the older you get, the harder it is to recover. I feel it should be the other way around. Aren't you supposed to need the stiff kick in the pants when you're  younger? Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don't have a wealth of experience to draw on in this area. I mean with respect to drinking, the colossal idiot part, I've got down to a science.
   Recently, we went over to a friend's house because let's face it, it's always better to make an ass of yourself in front of other people rather than just the privacy of your own home.  Thank God for understanding friends. It also helps that according to accurumor, I can be funny as hell when I'm plastered. Luckily, nothing was broken, another bonus.
   The whole thing began innocently enough with a warped card game and six alleged grownups. We had some good pizza and adult beverages. I was actually fine for most of the evening until I made the mistake of attempting to have a drink with dessert. My spouse was the first one to figure out there was something wrong when I went to the bathroom. You could have written a novel in the time I took. It got even better when I had to ask for Lysol wipes and a bottle of cold water.
   One should drink responsibly. I got that part half right. I had the designated driver but I mixed. Henceforth referred to as "the Big Mistake".
   I got lucky in the sense that at least I didn't have to drive. The next day was about as much fun as a fork in the eye. My body let me know in no uncertain terms that I am way not as young as my brain thinks I am. The entire next day I was useless and eternally grateful we had no plans. The next day was Monday, and I didn't feel much better. It's a lucky thing my spouse was unemployed. I had to let him handle the majority of getting our girl to school that morning. Food was also not an option that day, either. If Gatorade is considered a meal, you're pretty sick.
    Is there some part of me that's trying to relive college days I never had? God knows age hasn't brought enough wisdom for my taste. If one were to ask why I drink in the first place, the answer is I'm the mom of a girl knee deep in puberty. Yeah, I'll probably be hung over again.

The Facebook blues

  We are knee deep in the back to school season as of this writing. It was a quieter Labor Day weekend than I would have liked. There was some excitement, if you could call it that. Our vacuum cleaners croaked before our bar b q and then our grill went on strike in the middle of cooking. The food we put in the oven peed all over the bottom and created quite a fog in my kitchen. Through the miracle of ventilation, we managed to not host the local fire department.
   I am a bit sad to see the end of the summer, despite stressing out about it. It occurs to me that it comes down again, for me to letting go. The biggest thing I worried about was keeping our daughter occupied. It was easier though, having my husband home. This is where the usual mommy guilt and my love hate relationship with social media comes in. I frequently look back on our Summer and ask myself 'How good was it?' for our girl.
   I admit I have a lot of bad habits and too much Facebook is one of them. When you look and see neighbor pictures that scream 'Look at all the fun we're having!', it's a bit hard not to feel jealous/depressed. I don't post pics of our girl for privacy reasons so having nothing to report is my choice. What I lose sight of is the fact that we have, in fact, done things. We spent our usual week at the beach, and as much as our girl complained about summer camp, there were some good field trips. There was also a family outing to a gamer con, which she enjoyed. We even managed to arrange a trip to Hershey Park with my nephew.
    Why do I even bother doing this crap to myself? Our kid is far from deprived and no one died and declared me the entertainment committee. I am, however, a game nerd, and the self appointed electronics gestapo. Therein lies my problem. I struggle with letting our girl entertain herself in ways that don't involve a screen. The complaints of 'Do I have to?' are endless. Perhaps earplugs would help. It's not like I've never heard the whining before. How do you toughen the armor and more importantly stay out of the drama vortex? It looks like I'm going to need all the help I can get.
 

Mommy lets go?

   This is apparently as tough a topic to write about as it is to actually do. Our little girl, who, as of this writing, is almost ten and way not little, is going away without us for the first time. My brain understands this is no big deal and if anything, cause to break out the wine! She has stayed overnight at mom mom's house before and the upcoming event in question is only an overnight trip, too. These trips are rare, though, so rare in fact, that it feels wierd falling asleep in a house without her home.
   I remember when she was an infant and my sister was still alive. My big sis had come by to spend time with her new niece and give us a break. I remember backing out of our driveway and looking back, not seeing a car seat, and wondering what was wrong. 'Is everyone wearing pants?' 'Holy crap, There's no car seat back there!' Fast forward, or blink, in my case, and our fifth grader is spending the night in another state with her older cousin and his girlfriend. It's not them I'm worried about. Once the initial, 'Praise God, we're free!' joy wears off, will I be able to relax? This is me, after all.
    Most things I worry about turn out just fine. I even have evidence written in my own hand, no less, in an old journal. Don't ask me why I have yet to stop worrying over things. I have yet to come up with an antidote for that. I'm not sure I'd recognize myself if I did manage to get a grip. Guilt would be another piece of baggage I'd like to lose. How dare you enjoy yourself as a parent without your offspring??!! It takes the assistance of that rare creature, the good babysitter. We've had rare sightings over the years but we have seen them. It's a short list of people we feel comfortable leaving our daughter with, and not just because our family is small.
   Epilogue: Not only did our girl have a blast with her cousin, but mommy and daddy had a wonderful beach day. I got to eat dinner without thinking about hot dogs or chicken fingers. Nobody got sunburned, and since the kids went to Hershey Park, they even brought back chocolate! This was almost like having another birthday!
It's too bad my nephew and his other half are both in grad school and living in Delaware. We won't be able to do this sort of thing often. The problem is that we need to do this more often. Sending her majesty away like that is too expensive to do regularly, of course, but I'd settle for a few hours to ourselves. We are accepting applications, any takers?
 

Neutral territory?

  I normally try to avoid anything political when I write. I'm currently running a bit low on ideas though. I'm not sure who originally said it so I'll credit my favorite, Robin Williams, who said politicians are like diapers and should be changed for the same reason. (Something to that effect - sorry Robin.) One of my love hate relationships is with Facebook. There's no other place I found that can make me laugh and feel completely inadequate so well. It is also lousy with politics.
    If you want to see venom, there's no shortage of it on line, and Oh, by the way, you're the problem.  The biggest thing I've noticed in that meme eat meme world is people attaching a lot of additional information about a person from the expression of one opinion. Now before you go assuming I think there is such a thing as a "nice white supremacist", let me explain. I am referring to people who have ended friendships simply because of politics. While one could argue that passion is not a bad thing, this country was founded so people could express differing opinions. Life is also much too short to cut out good people from your life for only one thing that you don't agree with.
   Without going into gory detail, I will tell you that I voted for neither Trump nor Hillary.  I will also say that while I have yet to be a fan of any president we've elected since I became mature enough to care, I particularly dislike the Orange One. There are pantloads of reasons but I can't  support any guy who has such a piss poor attitude toward women, especially as the mother of a daughter. I will leave it there.
   Now, I also have dear friends who actually voted for him and still would do so again. Regardless of how baffling I find this, these people are still very welcome in my home. This may be surprising to some but the reason they are still friends is that we simply agree to disagree. They have also have enough life experience and education to formulate reasonable arguments. Most likely, it's because we are older and prefer to focus what passion we can scrape up on other things, like our kids' choices and how in God's name do you leave your house and walk right past the wine you were going to bring?

The great outdoors?

  We are having quite a soggy summer so far. So far, our basement has survived. I expected much worse, to be honest. In previous years we've made good use of our shop vacs, and we weren't picking up legos. It's also a bit strange that so far this summer, my garden hasn't been producing much. I know I was late to the party in planting to begin with but as of this writing, it's late July and normally we would have stopped buying tomatoes. There's probably a shortage of bees, unless they're on vacation.
   We finally got some mulch down out front and a bunch of weeding done. We even trimmed our bushes out front within an inch of their lives and then another two inches. Any project in which nothing was killed works for me.  What's ironic about all this exterior maintenance crap is that we really don't use our exterior much.  You won't see our family on a Home Depot commercial any time soon.  We are a somewhat different demographic. I could see our ad . Home Depot, when you just need to keep the neighbors from calling the township!
   The problem with weeding is it's like fighting a wall of pudding. Those cloth "barriers" people sell only help slightly. New Jersey weeds are apparently made of tougher stuff.  I have a crap grass issue. The junk I'm trying to get rid of seems to be some sort of demonic cross between a magician's scarf and a fishnet. I can pull up one clump of this garbage and magically four other attached clumps appear.
   Another problem for me personally is all that goddamn nature outside. Those that know me are aware of what a bug wus I am. Since becoming a mom, I've  gotten better over the years. I don't even mind bees, provided they're the right kind. When it comes to bees, I am unabashedly racist. I don't mind the normal 'hey-I'm-pollinating-over-here' type. We understand each other. I leave them alone and they do likewise. What I hate are the 'Buicks-with-wings' that love my deck and hover two inches from my face. Whatever eats those, I want one for a pet.
   My area also seems to be lousy with bunnies. I also put a wall of wire around my tomato plants but so far the only thing it's been keeping out is me! My garden gnome is fired. When I say "gnome" I mean small statue of a T-rex eating gnomes. I think I should have gone with the prone gnome holding an AK 47 or at least Elmer Fudd. Are my bunnies from North Jersey? "Yeah, I got your gnome right here, lady!" I will be glad when fall arrives but I will miss Jersey tomatoes, assuming we get any!
 

Being a grown up

   Dear Diary, it appears I have let myself down. I took a job through a friend to help out at a small accounting office for tax season. I rejoined the dark side, just when I was hoping to get away. Even seasoned, published writers have told me not to quit my day job, not that I've had one lately. The problem is that neither has my spouse -had a job - that is. It's wearing on us, as a family because we are using too much of our savings. I'm not making enough money to live on, far from it, but I was hoping this would have helped out with groceries and gas.
  The position I took was an administrative assistant type of position answering phones, scheduling appointments, and scanning documents. I received 2 nasty emails from my boss within the first 5 part time days of me being there. How do you continue to work for someone who clearly doesn't want you there? It would appear that I'm not friendly enough on the phone, yet somehow too chatty off the phone. The only thing that seems to help is to acknowledge that the owner doesn't know what she wants from one day to the next and that anything I say can and will be misconstrued and used against me.
   Funny how I was told I need to be more professional by someone who has no problems sending rude emails to subordinates and handles questions from new hires like it's a royal pain! The question is whether or not I should stick with a job that is not worth the aggravation and stress to help someone who is not a good person. Would quitting send the wrong message to my daughter? Is it worth the time and gas when you don't want to stress over what may have imploded on you while you were gone?
     Well, it turns out the decision was made for me when my phone rang and her majesty decided that she did not want my services any more. That afternoon I met a friend for lunch and we toasted to the end of "shit jobs". I emailed my hours and have not heard back. We are assuming that if I get a check at all, it won't be correct.
   I mentioned that I was worried about the message I would send to my daughter if I quit this job (now hypothetically). A wise friend pointed out that tolerating poor treatment from other adults is the way wrong message to send to a girl! The fact that this was a business relationship didn't matter and he was right. I explained to her that while I didn't quit just because something was hard, the person I worked for did not behave the way a boss should and I wasn't sorry I lost this job. It's easy to forget how much a kid can puck up on when you are wrapped up in your own grown up issues.
   I try to see what I can learn from disasters like this and the first thing that springs to mind is to not bring in any more personal things than you can fit in your pockets. The other lesson is that sometimes, you need to fire your boss.  I just hope I get my mouse back.

Back to school for who?

  Let me begin this by reminding everyone out there of the old joke about parenthood. It's the toughest job you'll ever love. That is as true as breathing for me. It's all about the offspring. She has managed to permeate everything from our diet to vacations to my writing. This is par for the course and I am more than content with our lifestyle change. It has certainly challenged my creativity to say the least. I have had to find all sorts of ways to get cooperation out of a lot of stubborn on two legs. It adds to the fun  when you know damn well whose DNA you're dealing with and you did this to yourself on purpose.
    There is also an old commercial for office supplies that says "It's the most wonderful time of the year." They are referring to the "Back to school season" as retailers call it. What's also been very true for me is that my daughter is in school, but we're the ones getting educated.  This has been true on a lot of levels. The "season" with all of its sales reminds me a lot of how sugary breakfast cereals are marketed. Why does everything have to be new every fall? "Merchandising, where the real money is made!"  (Mel Brooks, I think, wrote that.) There's your answer.
   I'm late to the party on this, which is typical for me. Our daughter is now in 5th grade. When she was in preschool everything had to have Elmo on it. We are now almost out of Pokemon hell. This last phase had some staying power. My grown up brain however, keeps looking at a perfectly good backpack from last year and I can't grasp the necessity of spending money for a new one when this one still functions. Therein lies my problem. "Function" was never the issue. The "Logo" is no longer correct. The solution would be to stop buying crap with anything on it in the first place. Slowly, the coffee kicks in.
   I recall having gone through this when I would contemplate throwing a birthday party for her majesty. I realized that if I only bought a few things with this week's hot item plastered on them and just stuck to matching colors for the rest I was much better off. I was no longer stuck using leftover Lightning McQueen plates for grown up birthdays, not that my husband ever cared. It appears this concept has much broader applications than I thought. I am much happier saving money where I can at the beginning of the school year. It leaves more room in the budget for liquor store gift cards for her teachers by June. They're gonna need it.

The other addiction

  One of the biggest struggles I face as a mom is my little girl's addiction to video games. It takes a lot of effort to get her majesty to take a break once she gets started. Slowly, however, we are making small gains.  The other struggle I face is much sneakier and far more pervasive. I am referring to our family's love hate relationship with sugar. Video games have the benefit of being contained in a console or hand held. Sugar,the evil ninja bastard, hides in Doritos, ranch dressing, peanut butter, and the usual suspects we encounter every day.
    We are fortunate, as a family, that diabetes is not an issue. I am a big proponent of moderation but that's not easy to keep things down to a dull roar when your opponent is ubiquitous. My spouse is also in the process of losing weight. Diet sodas and artificial sweeteners are creeping into my kitchen. Normally, I'll  take all the help I can get but when it comes to those "packets" I'm not a believer in better living through chemistry. I have no idea what the long term impact of that crap is on the human body so oddly enough, diet cherry Pepsi is an occasional treat and for all I know, we consume too much of that.
   I happen to know they make this magical stuff called water that's cheap, good for you and doesn't stain if you spill it. How do you lead by example when you can't stand plain water yourself? You resort to soda, and by "soda" , I mean seltzer. We use the stuff to cut fruit juice and make powdered drinks. It is by no means a perfect solution but it helps. I haven't tried making fruit water for everyone yet. My gym bottle has crushed lime and ginger in it, maybe I should consider a larger volume?  I also find myself reading a lot of labels. Some granola bars can be just as bad as Pop Tarts. Yay marketing!
    Marketing, I believe, is also responsible for recruiting both other parents and my daughter's friends. Did you know the grade school lunch table is actually a minefield with uncomfortable seating? My daughter may see it as more like Wall Street, Oreos are worth way more than Apple slices on the trading floor. I have talked to her about what goes on and have been increasingly dismayed at what other people are sending their kids to school with for lunch. I'm guessing that since I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom, I can pack more healthy things. Adhd or not, my game plan is to get her more involved in packing her own lunch. So fellow parents, how goes the sugar fight at your house?
 

Superman misplaced his cape

      I am listening to my husband hunting for a job and reminding myself to keep my big beak out of it.  He is a bit older and quite a talker. My suspicion is that the unemployment is getting to him. There is no shortage of work to do around our house and I would love to see some of these things get fixed before we decide to move. The house should look good for us, too, not just prospective buyers.
    My problem is keeping my trap shut when he's on the phone with job prospects.  I have mentioned how it's a different job hunt now than it was even five years ago. It's  a struggle to watch from the sidelines when you think a loved one is under valued. What is he actually worth on today's job market? My belief that it's nowhere close to what I feel he should get, of course. There is such a thing as a "grey tax" which for me means that if you get the job at all, you will not be paid what you're worth. Why is experience valued so little? I'm sure he's still adjusting to this "new routine" and I don't expect him to be home for too long, but what if I'm wrong?
     Back in the ancient days when I was looking and dealing with those used car salesmen of the employment world, a new resume on line would attract headhunters like throwing chum in the water. Nowadays, he's chasing after them. Not only is there no such thing as a have-a-nice-life postcard, you don't even get the decency of an acknowledgement in most cases. The cover letter is also becoming passe. We dinosaurs are having trouble keeping up this short attention span world!
   We are seven weeks in, as of this writing, and my spouse is redefining antsy. I am more than happy to keep him busy, hey I'm here to help. That mulch out front was only about three years overdue, not that anyone noticed. We could even do something crazy like play hookie for a day. I'm wondering if either one of us would remember how.
   It would be wise to have some shred of a long term plan (while we're going nuts here) just in case this unemployment thing goes way longer than we think. I may end up going back to school sooner rather than later. My daughter's advice was to find something you like and you're good at, but who would pay me to eat chocolate?