I got nothing

   I have no real clue what I want to say here so I'm writing anyway in the hopes my coffee will kick in and provide some much needed assistance. Maybe because it's Monday, as of this writing, and raining, my brain is still asleep. I can understand that since I wish the rest of me was also in bed. This past weekend was a bit busy and next weekend looks even busier. I wish I could just go to a pumpkin patch like we usually do this time of year without having to squeeze it in. I prefer Saturdays for these things but so far, that's not looking good for us. It figures since the weather is supposed to be nicer the day I'm too busy to go.
   It is also finally starting to feel like fall so I guess my natural desire to get warm and cozy is kicking in. It's been four months since we went on vacation and I miss the beach. Mostly I miss the warmth and the stress relief. Dealing with my mother is the most stressful part of my job as a stay at home mom. It's a good lesson on what I want with my daughter as she gets older. I get it, that life isn't always going to be smooth but I want to become the older person my daughter looks forward to seeing, not a problem to be dealt with. These days I'm trying to decide if it's easier to cut visits and contact shorter or deal with longer but less frequent visits.
   I've also decided to look into what I can control. There are ways to shut down hostility from others, respectfully hanging up is one example. I haven't done this myself yet but I plan to try. There's a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". I found a copy of it on my bookshelf! I need to make the time to read it. Actually doing this will not be easy but I'm hoping it will also help me deal with someone else going through puberty, too. The biggest battle I have is not getting pulled into other people's drama. Right now, however, it feels like I'm in a drama sandwich!
   The best I can do, it seems, is to document as much of this bologna as I can in the hopes of using it as a guide for what I don't want. A big thing to hang onto is remembering that I have no reason to apologize for my choices to anyone, including my mother. I am curiously looking forward to reading this again at some point in the future. I want to know how it will feel when my daughter is where I am now. Being aware of what I don't want is the first step. I just hope it's enough.