Stop shoulding on yourself!

   It's been a pretty good summer so far. As of this writing, it is mid August and I am enjoying the last few days of relative freedom before the end of summer camp. The last few days, however, my old friend, guilt, has been rearing its ugly head, a bit more than usual. I'm blaming my spouse, I think he's contagious. After fourteen years of employment in the same place, he has recently found himself unemployed. This was a lot like watching Wile E. Coyote hit a brick wall.
   So why the guilt? I believe it's the fish pond I'm swimming in. My spouse, in response to this "new normal", has been job hunting like mad and when he's not, he's been doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning our basement and other such useful things. Mommy, on the other hand, has been not quite so busy. Boy does that feel wierd!! I was actually trying to scrape up something to do to avoid that elephant in the room, known as my mid life crisis. I should be sending out submissions and researching college courses, but that laundry he did needs to be folded! Is there a career that involves avoidance? If there is, I've found my calling.
   I always knew I was an odd bird, it's the degree of weirdness that can throw me for a loop. I am guessing this lack of discipline stems from lack of desire and/or fear. You must not want X bad enough if you're not willing to do Y to get it. That much I can understand. I'm disappointed in how my sense of discipline has gone downhill. When I was younger I pulled off the CPA exam and managed my 5th degree black belt, so what happened? Change is scary, so I'm sure that's part of it. I also need to eat my elephant one bite at a time but I could use a good plan of attack - or recipe?
     UPDATE:  Seven months have flown by and I have seen a career counselor. My husband is still home and seriously freaking out. I have completed only about 30 applications but I found a "bridge" job. I will begin, of all things, substitute teaching in a few weeks. I am still in the process of jumping through the necessary hoops but I am making headway. The commute will be less than five minutes so I'm sure to be barely on time. This will be a huge change and an education for me. The funny part is if I thought my own kid was a wealth of material to write about, this new adventure might just generate a book. Stay tuned, dear reader!

I get by with a little help.....

    The older I get, the more I am forced to admit I need help. This is hardly a shock but it's the wide variety and level on which said help is needed that I find staggering. I need help from my husband, Google, caffeine, chocolate, profanity and alcohol just to get through one lousy week, nevermind life in general. We've let earth know we're both looking for work in the hopes that it will stir up some leads. What's funny is that I am not aware of asking for a lot of help from people over the years. That doesn't mean I haven't gotten a lot of help. It just means that recently I've been so introspective I've had my head up my ass.
    It appears that I've always been this way. There's an old therapist joke that goes 'If it's not one thing, it's your mother.' I grew up in an environment which did not allow me to feel safe/relax. I will not get into the gory details but suffice it to say that I am an introvert from way back. Thrown in a stiff amount of stubborn and you've got a recipe for an independent streak a mile wide. The problem begins when the brain ignores the body. It's the equivalent of your mouth writing checks that your ass can't cash. I am currently working on a poem about this very subject.
   I have had to be beaten over the head with my own physical limitations recently and it looks like my ego got the worst of it. In fact, it's still recovering from the assault after a whole year. The stubbornness refuses to permit much in the way of actual changes. The body does the same things the brain has always insisted on, there's just a lot more bitching and sound effects involved. When it comes to asking for help, the mouth would have an easier time spitting out pinecones. Did I mention the ego is still recovering?
     Where does stubborn meet gratitude? I am still functioning, after all, even if it's tougher in patches. I figure I've already past the point where it literally is all downhill from here. Hopefully,  some shred of wisdom has accumulated enough for me to be able to see I need help, ask for it, and God forbid, be grateful it's there.
   Postscript: This was orinally written a few months ago. We are both working now in albeit not that great jobs. They are jobs, nonetheless, and the checks clear. We also still have our health and good friends. For the record, we are lucky to have our friends and we know it!