Recently I wrote about wondering how to deal with an exceptionally different relation you feel you are "stuck with". We received a phone call from the offensive party telling me to "get over it" and then demanding I come to her house! We weren't exactly eager so my spouse helped me to decide to go the next day. Regrettably, that turned out to be too soon. I had no interest in going there, much less staying. He insisted I stay and another argument ensued. I cannot recall ever being flat out furious before. It was a first, and a lot less helpful than I was hoping. I am relying heavily on my spouse these days.
A part of me is very much hoping that "just get over it" will prove to be tougher than someone else thought. I can say for sure that my husband has never seen me that furious either. I can only hope it tells him that I was not only uber stressed but definitely pushed. An evil part of me also hopes that someone else for only a split second, would be scared of me for once, since I grew up the other way around. I also confess I'm not proud of that. I'm chalking that up to just being human. It's not something I plan on revisiting to be sure. It's also another salient reminder of what I don't want with my daughter.
The following couple of days, phone calls were muted and a bit awkward. My guess is that the creature was finding out that "getting over it" is easier said than done sometimes. I would like to think that she might learn from this but I'm not holding my breath.
During this "Part 2 From Hell" the creature pointed out that its friends have their kids over all the time helping. This goes back to how I grew up. You can't expect a person to want chocolate cake right after throwing up. Our relationship is just not like that, period. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, it just is. My amazing husband still wants to keep this creature in our lives.
My guts are telling me he is correct, despite her behavior. I want my daughter to still have a relationship with this person regardless of my feelings. He has told me that he did cut someone out for a while and later regretted it. I assume his regret was Catholic guilt related since I knew the person he cut out and I can personally attest it was well deserved. What I admire about my husband is his ability to forgive. My brain tells me it frees you but I still have trouble actually doing it. The biggest hurdle I think is knowing the offensive behavior won't change.
Eventually, we will all get past this. We had another visit recently when we were all calmer and I got the impression that things were moving in a more progressive direction. I don't like my daughter seeing Mommy completely lose it like that. There is only scant comfort in knowing that's a rare occurrence. She covers her ears when my husband and I argue, which is infrequent generally, and even more so in front of her.
There's not much to be proud of during these ugly episodes but I hope my girl understands that her Mommy is human and there are limits to how people should behave, family or not. What you don't need to limit is forgiveness.
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