Bad Mommy on parade???

   It can be a real minefield.  When you are around what you perceive to be "bad parenting", how do you handle it? I took our girl to our local Chik Fil A for lunch after her CCD program as a sort of reward.  Someone posted on social media that they were having a chicken giveaway so being the cheapskate that I am I thought it would be a good day to take my kid to lunch.  Unfortunately for me, half of Gloucester County had the same idea.  The place was mobbed.  The promotion was for a free entree for every customer who showed up dressed as a cow.  That was the one half of the promotion I missed.
  We lucked out and found a good seat in full view of the play place.  I managed to get us settled and waited in line to order food.  If people took voting as seriously as free chicken I'd feel much better about the upcoming election but I digress.  Fortunately, I looked down and found a cow spot sticker on the floor.  I put it on my shirt just for the heck of it, not expecting anything. When I got to the register,  Playing dumb, I asked the cashier if there was some kind of party at the restaurant.  The guy was nice enough to tell me I was supposed to dress like a cow and gave me a free sandwich just for a stupid sticker!
   When you order a kids meal rather than giving you a toy, they give you a book.  As a mom, I always thought this was great.  As it turned out,  my daughter really didn't need another book, especially one that was written for younger kids.  Oddly enough, there was an older girl sitting across from us who was waiting for her mom.  She was older and after talking briefly, we could tell she had "special needs".  My girl decided that she didn't need her book and gave it to the older girl who was sitting there and chatting.  Every once in a while, she surprises me and makes me proud of her.  It's really disconcerting!
   The other girl's family came and joined her and my daughter decided to go to the "play place".  This   "other girl" also had a little brother who (we discovered later) also had issues.  He also chose to use the play place.  This boy was overweight and younger than my daughter.  A short tine later my girl came out crying saying the kid kicked her in the stomach. Assessing how bad she is hurt is one of the hardest things I run into as a mom.  Half the time we refer to it as "injuring her hambone" depending on the amount of attention Meryl St reep's boo-boo is getting.  While I want her to be able to shake things off, I also want to make sure I don't downplay something serious.  Nobody ever clutched their chest and yelled for an accountant.
   Evidently, its older sister must have told the manager because an employee came by and offered her a bag of ice.  In the meantime, the nasty boy had apparently been bothering two other kids.  The little beast emerged from the play place, refused to apologize and threw a hissy fit when he was denied ice cream!  I saw the mother take her kids up front.  Oher mothers were looking on and  commenting.  "She's not getting him ice cream is she??!!"  Fortunately, the family left shortly afterward without dessert.
  The manager came over to us and asked us what happened and if my girl was ok.  I let her know everything was fine.  To the restaurant's credit, the manager took our information and offered my girl a free ice cream cone, which she gladly took.  It's been very rare in my experience to see fast food places give a rats ass about their customers despite the litigious world we live in.  These "play places" are hard.  They are offered for the convenience of the customers, they are not free childcare!  As the parent of a one and only, it's not easy to back off the helicopter.  Oddly enough, the best parenting advice I ever got came from probably one of the worst parents (in retrospect) I've ever met, my father. He once told me "You guys didn't come with instructions!".
   That, in a nutshell, is it.  The advice that covers everything.  My problem is my brain and the drop shoot effect I seem to suffer from.  My friends know all too well what a sarcastic critter I am and diplomacy is not one of my strong suits.  According to my spouse,  I am aptly named, Barb.  How do you avoid judging someone when the situation looks so bad others are commenting?  Doubt has been removed, one would think, about what you're seeing.  Worse than that, as one who overthinks everything, I worry about what kind of impression this is making on my kid.
   Young as she is, it didn't take long for my little Judge Judy to make comments.  "He was mean! He shouldn't have done that! He's supposed to know better.  That was not nice. He was bothering other kids, too!"  I found myself reminding my own daughter that it's not our place to teach him how to behave.  That's his mommy's job.  It appears that judgements are about as easy to avoid as germs!  This is not the first time I've been "caught by surprise" in these parenting situations.  I'd say it's pretty much a way of life.
       

motivational ranter

   It's a Saturday evening and we're watching the news. Funny thing is that one of the featured stories is really close to what I wanted to write about.  That subject is motivation.  During the summer my daughter has no homework.  Typical of seven year olds she also has an incredibly short attention span.  During the school year, when she did have homework, it was a never ending battle.  What espicially frustrated mommy was that this kid spent more effort trying to weasel out of homework than she would have just to do her damn homework.
  One of the biggest issues we had was with writing.  Her teacher was an amazing woman who really got involved with her kids and didn't bury them with homework.  You'd think we were asking our girl to rip out her eyeballs or learn nuclear physics over 4 measley sentences!  Every night at home was too much fun for humans.  I could only imagine how she was behaving in class.  By the end of second grade I bought the teacher a gift card to a liquor store.
   All of this is just the latest in a never ending battle for raising a competant human.  This brings me to one of my biggest parenting gripes.  I am ungodly frustrated by the fact that it is seemingly impossible to get this gorgeous, brilliant human being I gave birth to to just do what the hell I ask without some kind of bribery involved.  One of my problems is my age.  I grew up in the pre-behavior chart era.  My "motivation" started with dealing with an angry Polish woman and the reward was not getting the s**t beaten out of me.  Flash forward to today and now I have to figure out what to reward my squirrely princess with so she'll do her math!  Incidentally, the news report I mentioned profiled a program in California that pays kids money to stay out of trouble.  I can only imagine what my folks would have said about that, after they stopped laughing.
   Rewarding kids for doing what's expected seems to be everywhere.  I recently read a book called Mean Mommies Rule by D. Schipani.  I wish I had read it earlier.  I think it would have been much more helpful than those what to expect books by a mile.  The author details her attempts to raise her kids to be independent functioning humans who are responsible for their own happiness.  It talks about hearkening back to an earlier era of when kids had chores because they were family members and people didn't have the luxury of materiality.  It appears that we loved our daughter a little "too much" in some respects.  I am finding that to "reverse some of my mistakes" is going to be a long slow process but my daughter is not the only stubborn person in the family.
  I am holding onto the fact that our girl is still only seven. She is older than I would have liked to be figuring this stuff out although things could be worse.  Our little girl is not an out of control beast but there are definitely areas we need to work on.  Part of my problem is that being a bit isolated means I don't have a good handle on what is age appropriate for certain behaviors.  How old should she be to do the wash, for example.
  There were things about my childhood I wish were different, no question. However, there's too much about today's environment that makes me wish I had a time machine.  Anti bullying campaigns drive me nuts.  I get the impression that parents are expecting the schools to help raise their kids.  It's true that it really does take a village but rather than pressuring schools to fix bullying shouldn't people be raising their kids not to be assholes in the first place??!!  Again, my dinosaur brain goes back to the days when there was a grapevine and people were honest.  If someone else's mom saw you do something stupid, unless you ran faster than a phone call, you were in trouble when you got home.  The grownups rarely questioned the accuracy of another parent's report, either.
 I admit I don't recommend spanking - I just completely understand it.  Everyone reacts to discipline differently.  I grew up a nervous kid.  $3000 worth of therapy and several hundred milligrams of prozac later and everyone is fine is not how I want to raise my daughter.  Doing the hard work of parenting is way more complicated than spanking to get your way and moving on.  Making someone understand the why of how things have to be can be draining to say the least.  I will probably looking for the happy medium until my kid is thirty.

Mother's Day

     Recently it was Mother's Day and it was a very rainy one.  It was also the weekend of our daughter's First Holy Communion.  This is a big deal for Catholics and our girl was very excited.  Mom mom took her shopping and as funny as it seemed, she fell in love with one dress and we couldn't talk her into another one.  It reminded me of that moment when you try on a wedding dress and you realize when you find "the one".  Weird since she's only seven.  I have plenty of time to worry about big things like that but flashforwards are easy when you see your second grader in a white dress.
   We were lucky in that our group was scheduled for an 11:30 mass.  This was great for mommy since we know what a freaking basket of sunshine I can be early in the morning and the little apple in question didn't roll fall from my tree either.  However, another stronger genetic anomally made me shovel my butt out of bed earlier - the urge to bargain hunt.  That same morning there was a consignment sale at our local middle school.  I also happen to sell with these people in the fall so I was familiar with the type of merchandise they would have for sale.
   Being an only child, our girl doesn't want for much but I always figure it's worth a prowl because I enjoy the thrill of the hunt.  It also helped that I didn't desparately need stuff so I could relax a little.    That takes some stress away from worrying about someone else beating me to something I needed.  For a shocking change I was early to the sale.  I had to double check to make sure I was in the right place but after a few minutes a line began to build.
  I found a few good things and tried to keep it moving so I could get back in time.  The last thing I needed was people freaking out on me the day of First Holy Communion because mommy was shopping.  As soon as I got home I finished getting dressed and we got our girl ready.  She looked wonderful and even remembered most of what her teachers told her for the mass.  Even my sister in law and niece from Audubon showed up which was really nice considering how busy they are.  We survived lunch with french fries and ketchup with her dress intact.
  The next day was Sunday, Mother's Day and there was supposed to be a May crowning of Mary right after mass.  First Holy Communion kids were invited to come back in their outfits and participate in the procession.  It was also my mother's birthday so we were double whammied.  I was able to come up with a few small gifts for mom and after mass we went to breakfast at a local diner.  It was nice and low key.  It was after we returned home and mom left that I thought maybe I would get a Mother's Day.  Fat chance.
  The very creature that made me a mother in the first place wanted nothing to do with me and pitched an oscar winning hissy fit.  She complained loudly that no one was available to play and why was there no holiday devoted to kids??!!  As we say at our house A plus for hutzpah.
 It was at this point that mommy was fed up.  I had already been stressed out due to someone's behavior that week to begin with.  This was just the cherry on top of the crap sundae.
 Daddy, who is usually oblivious, came to the rescue.  He sent me upstairs for a nap while he dealt with princess hemorrhoid.  After my rest I was even able to go out to a local music store and shop.  What made that fun for me was boxes and boxes of cds of every conceivable type and they were all $1 each!  I almost closed the place.  In the meantime, my spouse did laundry and hung it outside, made sure I had flowers and a few gifts to open and even made dinner.  He destroyed my kitchen but he made dinner and it was obvious he was trying hard.
  Frankenbunny, on the other hand, wasn't done yet.  After the evening's bath, her majesty refused to get out of the bathtub and dry herself.  Mommy lost it.  I picked her up and threw her naked, wet miserable butt in her room and closed the door.  Happy fucking Mother's Day to me.  I think it was Roseann Barr who said this was why some animals eat their young.
 
     
 

peeps hangover

   Forgetting for a minute that I still can’t believe Easter has come and gone, I’d like to focus on next Easter.  Like the day after Valentine’s Day when candy is half price, you would think I’d be happy to see the same thing now.  You’d be wrong, sort of.  Don’t get me wrong, half price or cheaper chocolate is right up there with my dream job as a mattress tester.  The problem is that I am not alone in the holiday spirit.  It did originate with me, though.  I blame our daughter.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  Throughout the year, whenever I’m out I always manage to find things for her regardless of what I’m looking for.  Mostly small stuff, books, flip flops, small toy figures, cheap pc games or a necklace or something.  The problem is that after six months that stuff piles up. 

  For me, it piles up to the point of being covered for the next 2 gift giving occasions, easy.  Another issue is the fact that I’m shopping for someone with the attention span of a squirrel.  I try to keep some things practical but sometimes I end up having to reroute things if they get “stale” by the time I’m ready to give them.  We are lucky in that she is an only child and since we are “older” parents we can afford to pick up things as we go. Stashing this stuff does help me save time later because I can “shop at home” when I need a gift.  

   What I’m having trouble handling is the sugar war and the ridiculous amount of toys we get for 1 kid.  We are very lucky that not only can we spoil her but our family spoils her too.  I’m concerned that she’s getting a bit numb to it.  Easter was like Hallomas!  There was a pantload of peeps and other candy and oodles of game creatures among other things.  Mommy’s easter bunny went practical, putting snack combo cups, flip flops, aqua shoes, and plastic trading card pages in her basket.  I also weakened and did put some sugar in there, too.  I succumbed to the jellybeans for a dollar and peeps for 3 for a dollar.  I admit I have cheapness issues that are probably genetic.  

   This was a bad move because we are surrounded by professionals.  There were 2 egg hunts which yielded a stupid amount of tootsie rolls and some other candy.  Then, mom-mom gave our girl a basket with Polish candy and other goodies.  This was followed by a Sunday brunch with 3 more baskets and then another one from our bunny later!  Next year, I think our bunny is going to have some hard times and leave a much smaller basket.  I would like to think she wouldn’t notice the difference but that little stinker never ceases to surprise me.  Easter Monday she had the gaul to ask if she got her treat from her behavior chart for the week!  I realize I gave birth to a girl but this kid has a pair!! 

   Granted, she is still young and does have her generous points, but the concept of “give till it hurts” is way not on this kid’s radar.  We can give away duplicates of things with no problem.  I guess you have to start somewhere.  I’ve introduced the concept of selling things we’re no longer using, too.  (See previous article on toys emitting distress signals before a yard sale.) Once again, I’m trying to relate to a seven year old with a grown up brain.  Still, I do want her to start appreciating things and not expect too much.   

   I don’t have any control over what other family members do, especially mom-mom.  A friend had a great suggestion though.  The next time we get a ridiculous amount of candy I could have our little sugar fiend select some to enjoy now and some to put away for later.  Toys, for the most part, still need to disappear by stealth.  I still plan to keep trying to keep things down to a dull roar.  When we go out and she turns into “Captain Iwant” I usually tell her “We have a small house, I don’t have the room for too much stuff.  Can you think of something you’re done with that we could give away or sell? “  Miraculously, I often get a blank stare. God help us if we move.    

  I think someone may have actually been checking me out the other day as I was walking to get my daughter from school.  I had lost some weight lately.  Either that or my fly was open.  Not sure which.

When I grow up...

   Tempus Fugit sucks.  

   There is an old saying that goes it is now how old you are, it is how you are old.  It’s not being in my forties that’s the problem.  After all, my father once said, ‘It could be worse, you could have a kid your age.’.  It’s this desparate need I have to savor every moment, since, as I learned the hard way, you may not have as much time on this earth as you think you do.  The hardest thing I wrestle with is the now.  Perhaps I’m fighting ingrained, grown up habits.  Odd, since I live with the perfect teacher.

   My three year old wakes up every day happy and looking for fun.  Mommy wakes up most mornings praying for coffee and wondering how am I going to keep her occupied all day.  What the hell’s wrong with me?  Bored? How dare you?  Since when was life something to get through?  If that’s the case, I’m doing something wrong.  

   While there are places to go and things to clean, there are also horsies out the car window.  There are dragon shaped clouds, sand in your toes, and - dare I say it - occasional ice cream before dinner!  Look mommy, look!

   She is friendly and outgoing like her father.  While I have lived like a hamster in my home for seven years, not knowing many of our neighbors, my daughter will say hi to just about any grownup with two ears - and most dogs.  She will immediately tell them a terribly important story in which they have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.  You will never see grownups doing this.  My husband is one, but Dave’s english is fine and mostly logical. 

   Exhausting and beautiful, our girl is an education and a gift.  She wants to feel and taste and see and smell and question everything.  She will also be teaching me patience for the rest of my life.   Sometimes, I am jealous at her simplicity.  If she gets hot, she just gets naked, problem solved.  Mommy will never again feel that free but I’m ok with that one - really ok.  

   Still, I don’t want her to be like me.  She is my second shot at learning how to enjoy, even the boring parts.  I’m pretty sure that when I grow up, I want to be three.  

informal poll

   I have a question for those readers interested.  How do you handle it when you don't like your daughter's friend?  As I've often said, parenting is an education, on a lot of levels.  As usual, I'm learning all sorts of things I didn't expect.  Our girl likes to play  with one of the neighbor's kids.  Don't get me wrong, our girl is not being bullied or hurt. She is however being bothered, and so is mommy.  This kid will knock on our door, barge in, ask for candy, spill things, make a mess of toys, and leave.  She stays for hours and we never hear from her parents, who, by the way , have a nanny.
   My problem is, the kid is not mean per se, just maddening and I disagree/don't understand how she's being raised.  It's not the kid's fault and in parenting it's really hard to judge if you don't know the full story.  Nonetheless, I can't deal with the stress.  We have a small house and I've made it clear to our girl that she is responsible for any mess that she and her guests make.  I've also let a different mommy know that if our girl engages in similar behavior in her house, she had our permission to toss her out.  It was my hope that if the mommies ganged up on these shorter people the message would get through.  She had also observed similar behavior in the same girl.  I am at a loss for how to handle this.  I've always stank at politics.  The only solution I've come up with so far is to limit the visits to a maximum of two hours, preferably either outside or at the other girl's house.
  I think even our daughter has figured this out.  I don't want her to be mean to this kid and I don't want to upset her parents but I could use a break.  If I'm being a bit nuts, it wouldn't be the first time but I'd also like to know.  Your turn....