Homework, at my a

   I'm sure I've skirted around this topic forever if I really think about it. It takes a huge smack in the face for me to finally pay attention, as usual. Motherhood has been the only thing that I can definitively say has not been a waste of my time. The issue is feeling like a nonvaluable member of my family despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Did I mention feelings have nothing to do with being rational? It's like the tax code but that's a rant for another day. I've given it some thought and it seems that everything I associate with my value seems to involve me getting paid. How can I change this mindset without a lobotomy, you ask? Beats me.

  There was a study once that measured what a person would make per year doing the full time mom job. It was around 120k back then! Who knows what it would come to now. It's funny that I borrowed a movie from the library about an architect who stopped designing buildings for 20 years and was starting to go nuts. Her friend tells her that her problems, while amusing, could be solved by getting her ass back to work creating. So am I an artist now? I don't feel like one. I do, however, feel like it's time to get my ass in gear and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

   This feeling has been going on for years. I am finally taking action to get myself out of my career rut. Where is the credit? I haven't slacked off in my Wilma Flintstone duties, which I admit were a pretty comfy thing to hide behind. I wonder how I managed to finally pull myself out of my turtle shell before this pandemic nightmare and stay out after it hit. Would a jury in the world have convicted if I decided to stay home longer due to a pandemic? Some would have said no, except my own mother. My mother would have - and has repeatedly- said you need to get a job. Credit doesn't run in the family.

     I grew up in a climate of inadequacy. The house wasn't clean enough, there wasn't enough money, and there was always something wrong with me, too. Everything, and everyone could always be better. The problem with this was it never allowed me to like myself. I'm trying like hell to avoid this with my own kid. It would help in this effort if I could learn to accept myself as an adult. That's still a tall order. How do you separate wanting to improve versus liking yourself as you are? It may come down to my old nemesis, patience. I have, and continue to make progress, even if it feels like a glacial pace.