Still more lessons

    It’s been getting tougher as time goes on. Homework is the child equivalent of death and taxes. Resistance is futile, unless you’re Polish, then it’s genetic. “Why do I have to go to school at all?” “Why can’t I just stay home and play video games?” “You don’t need math for video games!” Our worldly eight year old has some how convinced herself that she has amassed a wealth of knowledge and experience far beyond her parents. I’m told this comes with the territory. 

   Every day after school, I ask our girl if she has her homework. Frequently, I check the backpack (trust but verify). Once she has had a break and a snack, the harassment campaign begins. It’s not so much the getting her majesty to sit down and actually start it. It’s the dragging out 12 math problems into the equivalent of a doctoral thesis that makes mommy want to drink herself into a stupor, sometimes by Tuesday night. My grown up brain can’t understand why just putting this crap in the rearview so we can move on just does not compute to my offspring.

   The other bonus wrinkle is the endless redirection. I’ve said many times that it feels like you’re dealing with an overcaffeinated squirrel. This kid has a talent for distracting herself with nothing. When there is nothing around her but just a table, a chair, a pencil and paper, that tablecloth had better not be fuzzy. She will have pencils battle erasers, sing songs about how homework is stupid, and suddenly she’s absolutely starving. Is duct taping someone’s ass to a chair illegal?

   I have about a fifty fifty shot at being able to do something else like make dinner or doing dishes but as often as not, I’m the homework gestapo. 

  My husband is blissfully unaware of this. On the rare occasions when he is forced to feel mommy’s pain, it’s almost a drama contest. There’s a monumental effort on both sides. For a person with a college degree, we sometimes have to explain what our third grader’s homework requires. What’s almost funny is that he will tell me about how difficult the whole process is as if I was not in the next room and had never been through this??!!   

   ‘My God, she’s a huge pain in the ass!’ ‘Welcome to my world, Sherlock!’ (Not that I’m bitter or anything.)

   It would be really helpful if we could somehow collaborate on the problem since the homework is only going to get uglier from here. We haven’t even scratched the surface of studying, research papers, presentations or other herculean feats. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m guessing the best way to handle things without too much alcohol is to eat our elephant one bite at a time.

  This is going to be as much fun as forks in the eyes but unless we hit the lottery, my options are pretty limited. This kid is going to have to grow up to support herself, which for now, at least, means a decent education. I have also learned the hard way not to ignore study guides. The first time one was sent home, I figured we had enough to contend with and that anything that even smelled like extra homework was too much hassle.

   I’ve often said, my daughter is in school but I’m the one getting educated. We ignored her first math study guide. Fortunately it took only one epic bomb of a math test to end that practice. I have to sneak that stuff in small doses on days when there’s not a lot of homework or before bed on the weekends. I’m about to find out if this tactic will work, another test is coming soon. 

  If I could only figure out how to get pokemon into her homework maybe she would stop complaining although I’d settle for cooperation. 

   

The Good Old Days?

  I recently attended my husband's high school class reunion. My spouse remembers a lot about his high school years. I can't say I have a lot of fond memories of those years. In fact, you couldn't pay me to be 16 again. The 80s hair alone could give me nightmares if my recall was good but thank God it's not. College was marginally better but mostly I remember working my ass off, not having much money and occasionally drinking. The only person I knew there was my spouse so it was my turn to take one for the team.

  I've also heard of grammar school reunions. If there was ever any group of people I was happy to put in my rear view it was those brats, except for one person I stayed in touch with and two people I didn't. These were not nice people. I was bullied but I don't think they called it that back then. Nowadays it's a huge deal in schools. We are lucky to live in an amazing school district where we couldn't ask for better teachers for our daughter.

  There are all sorts of meetings, programs, books and public service announcements about preventing bullying. What I'm wondering is why can't we just teach our kids to leave each other the hell alone? To quote the philosopher (or maybe it was Will Smith?) 'Don't start nothin', won't be nothin'.' We can't expect the schools to raise our kids for us. 

  I know there are plenty of people out there who say that bullying is always going to be a thing and kids need to stop being 'wussies'. That may be true but only up to a point. First, bullying should not always be a thing.  I firmly believe that the problem starts at home. Whether it's lack of parenting or poor behavior being modeled at home, I firmly believe we are products of our environment. I also believe that kids will do whatever they feel they can get away with. I live with cute but evil.

  It would be great if we were all born with a thick skin. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, I discovered recently that I can hold a grudge like a nun. An old friend let me know she reconnected with an old bully on Facebook. She let me know the woman has a disabled daughter. I don't know if I said it out loud but my first thought was 'It serves her right', not exactly magnanimous! 

  If we're supposed to enjoy karma, why do I feel like such a rat bastard for even thinking such a thing? While I admit the problem is mostly mine, it's a lot like the old therapist joke, 'If it's not one thing, it's your mother.'. I most likely went to school with a bunch of people who were not taught how to behave. Some wounds fester and it appears that I was swimming in a fish bowl that was never cleaned. It's now up to me to clean up. Beware, lest your offspring become the victim of someone else's bad parenting!

  Don't get me wrong. I do plan on teaching our girl how to defend herself (preferably verbally first) and eventually how to agree to disagree. First, since she is still young, I want her to understand how to be a good friend. Fortunately, the rule is simple, treat others how you want to be treated. The execution part can be complicated. She hasn't asked me yet 'But mom, what if the other guy is an asshole?', for example. I'm still working on my response to that one. There's a fine line between nice and doormat but that can be hard to explain to someone who is 8.

  I do plan to make sure she understands that greeting someone with a punch in the face is not acceptable behavior ( especially at a reunion).

We survived, now what?

   After what felt like weeks but was really only days so far on Facebook I've finally decided to get political but only here if I can.  First, I am glad it's over. The political ads made Halloween seem like a prelude to Easter. The presidential campaigns were bad enough. We were also subjected to the local ones, not even in our state, just to add to the nauseum. I was really concerned about the effect they'd have on our daughter but they were repeated so much that she started to tune them out. Still, it was really getting old for all of us.
  I had no clear idea what I was going to do when I got into that voting booth. It was a lot like a martial arts test. I try not to think about it until it's on top of me. For most elections, I end up voting for the person who seems the least evil. What do you do when you're faced with a tie? I was used to holding my nose on election day, but full on hazmat suits?! I've left my screaming pumpkin on my porch in honor of the results.
  I admit it was also hard to ignore the commercials for us grownups, too. Hillary's commercials were the worst and best ones. They were the most effective in that the most negative shots at her opponent were nothing more than clips of him speaking like an ass. The bad part for me was hearing more venom than policy. Trump's commercials were God awful because they were full of pie in the sky promises with next to zero clue how to get there.
  I cannot understand how in a country of millions of human beings, these two bozos were the best we could come up with?!?! I wanted a woman president, for obvious reasons. I am one, I'm raising one, and men have been screwing this up for so long, why not try a woman? My problem was that it shouldn't have been That woman. If she had any class, she would have resigned or offered to resign after the Benghazi disaster and who knows, maybe if that had happened, Americans would have forgiven and forgotten by now.
  When the big day finally came, I found a way out. I voted, but I couldn't bring myself to vote for either one and the alternatives were underwhelming, too. Fortunately, I found a third option, you were able to type in someone! I typed in the name of Alan West, no not the guy who played Batman. He's a political commentator, of sorts. (Google him.) It was an emotional choice, I know. Many people said 'You wasted your vote', I get the logic but I went the emotional route.
  Like most other white people, or rather, not enough of us, I was surprised at the outcome of the election. More than that, I found myself in a real funk for a few days afterward.
  I also couldn't watch the concession speech and definitely not the victory speech. The concept of our nation putting that thing in office was bad enough, I couldn't hack hearing it speak any more than necessary. Beside the whole shitty attitude toward women thing the other thing that bothered me about what we elected was the I-love-me attitude that was so overt it could be seen from space. If Hillary had the same attitude, she at least hid it better. Did I mention I left my screaming pumpkin on my porch in honor of the election results?
  Facebook has been depressing mostly because I'm watching friends argue back and forth over who they voted for. I read one really good post that said basically I'm disgusted at people who voted for Trump because they were supporting his attitudes (racism is ok, it's ok to treat women like shit, we don't care if you make fun of handicapped people etc.). What I'm wondering is whether that's really true. How many of my friends chose to ignore Trump's behavior because they would rather have put Daffy Duck in the White House over Hillary? That's understandable.
  The problem I have with the protestors is that I see them as a bit misguided. Our election was legal according to the laws we currently have. What the protestors should direct their energy to is to change the electoral college law. From what I understand Hillary won the popular vote and she would have won had the law been different, but it's not. We're stuck with who won, legally.
  My mother I think, had the smartest take on the whole thing. She said 'I hope he surrounds himself with smart people and listens to them.' I'm hoping that, too. None of my friends would treat women like shit or make fun of handicapped people. I wish they had voted for None of The Above but that guy was too smart to want the job. My friends are still da bomb, no matter who they voted for. I just hope they agree to disagree, even if it's for four years.

What's a holiday?

 I would like to take an informal poll.  What constitutes a holiday for you? Most would say family. I am, or at least partially, with that crowd. Thanksgiving is well on its way and hence the annual decision is upon us.  Since our family is not only small but largely older, we don't seem to have a consistent tradition when it comes to Turkey Day. This holiday, as a kid, was always spent at my grandmother's house. Now that many people have passed away and I have a family, I am down to my Mother and the inlaws to consider.
  It's frustrating that I'm the only one who feels this way.  I get the feeling that my inlaws consider us as an afterthought. We are informed of what his family is doing for holidays after the decision is made. I guess because I'm the last one to join the family and most of them are older it makes sense.  My problem is their choices.  They are restaurant people. Maybe someday I'll get there but I'm not there now. I have no interest in making someone else cook a huge dinner for my benefit, I get it, it's a lot of work.
  Here's where the question of environment versus the company comes in,  Am I wrong to feel like Thanksgiving is not a holiday when you're at a restaurant.  For some reason every year we go out with his family, I feel like I'm missing out. On the other hand, I don't want my husband to not see his family on a major holiday. Our house, while not completely far away from everyone, is also not centrally located. Although in previous years, they have selected restaurants close to our house. ( I don't think they've had much of my cooking so how could they deem it inedible??)
   It could be that the grass is always greener. Would it feel better if some people came here for dinner?  A lot of the people I grew up with are gone. There's something about walking into a house and smelling a turkey that's irreplaceable for me. I understand the appeal of taking the easy way out and when you work full time, the prospect of having company and all that entails is especially daunting. This is all the more reason to have people over our house, at least this year. I'm a stay at home mom.  I have the luxury of a little more time and energy. 

  We also have the miracle of supermarkets. If I asked everyone to bring maybe a side dish or dessert, doesn't that make things easier and certainly cheaper than a whole restaurant dinner? I admit I have another motive. I get to use a turkey out of my freezer and not have to deal with a stupid amount of leftovers. We are a family of three without company so a huge turkey is not something I would normally consider. 

  For some reason, I don't mind Christmas with the in-laws, mainly because it's at someone's house. Still, I am still trying to figure out how to start our own tradition even if it is just us three. It would be nice to have people over that day, too but let's not get greedy. I may have to settle for Christmas Eve at some point. We still have one tradition left from my youth. There has always been a fish dinner and  Mass with my mother. Currently, we gather what's left of my side of the family and my mother prepares the Polish fish recipes I grew up with. 

  That tradition may change locations but it will never be a restaurant. 

Happy-ish Anniversary

   Recently, my spouse and I have hit the 14 year mark.  It’s hard to believe, of course. I don’t feel 48 and I’m lucky enough to be told I don’t look it, either. We’ve hit that Jesus-Christ-it’s-you-again point in our marriage. I’d like to say that we’re still as frisky as ever but mostly we just want a nap.  Our beautiful daughter is 8, funny, smart and full of energy. Did I mention mommy and daddy want a nap?  I’ve asked my spouse if he’s sorry we’ve only got one child.  “I’m in my 50’s, I’m exhausted!”  Our next child will have four legs and a tail.

  I get it that I’m lucky to be able to stay home and raise our daughter, it’s just that there are days when I want to run away from home. There are a few downsides if I do that. I’d have to make my own coffee for one. (We live by the biblical rule he-brews.) I’m also not sure who’d end up getting custody.  I don’t mean my daughter, I mean that currently, we are the party house and our friends would have to choose.  I don’t get any holidays.  Our family is small and my in laws are older and prefer to go to restaurants for holidays. I am way not fond of this.  Thanksgiving at a restaurant is not a holiday.  

  I’ve gotten so desperate I made up my own holiday. I call it Friendsgiving.  It gives me the chance to make a turkey for more than 3 people and it’s a cheap excuse to get everyone together to drink too much and bulls**t all evening. I also get to use my free-for-$400 turkey we get every year and we get turkey leftovers.  We’ve also been doing this for a while now so my guests literally make themselves at home and help clean up my kitchen! Who wants to louse that up? 

 I’m glad I only have two children. I gave birth to one, the other one bought me flowers for our anniversary. Our problem is that “date nights” are few and far between.  We get out by ourselves once a year whether we need to or not. By the time we get done paying for a sitter, dinner, drinks (God forbid), dessert and a movie if we really get crazy, we’ve spent a stiff chunk of change.  It’s no wonder we don’t get out much more than that.       

  As if we weren’t short enough on time, I’ve been “Highly Encouraging” (harassing the s**t out of) my spouse to start getting in shape. No, round is a shape, but not a good for your health shape. It has recently dawned on me that I need him to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible.  I admit I have ulterior motives.  I cannot even think about the possibility of raising a teenager by myself.  It would also be nice to someday enjoy retirement with a healthy person as opposed to taking care of someone chronically ill. Accountants make lousy nurses and I have zero bedside manner. 

  The spouse and I get along well enough.  The biggest reason I married the man (besides my best friend telling me to) was that I became convinced we were joined at the brain. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I demand a foil hat!”, I’d be driving a much nicer car. The compatibility thing was overwhelming since the beginning.  We’ve read a lot of the same books, he knows how I react to things, we say the same thing at the same time a lot, and can finish my sentences.  It’s nauseating and creepy at the same time. I tried to mentally calculate what the odds are of me finding anyone else I have this much in common with, yeah, I guess I’m committed - or I ought to be. 

Mom's new car and the disappointed dinosaur

  I was recently dragged kicking and screaming into the world of new cars and even worse, car dealers.  My mom just bought a new to her Rav 4 small fuv.  I admit I liked the new car smell and the cockpit.  I was bummed out to discover that the newer cars do not come equipped with cd players anymore.  Don't ask me why I was surprised.  I think it was also a bit annoying to have my old age thrown up in my face like that.  It makes sense now that I think about it.  Of course there's a store in my areas selling cd's for $1, everyone else is buying their music in a digital format, except for us old fartasaurs.
  Mom asked me to come with her when she bought the car, that's the only reason I was there.  Finding out how much money these people were making on the deal is about as easy as finding the holy grail. Feeling as comfortable as a guppy in a shark tank didn't help. Unfortunately for us both, my mom had decided that she was buying a car that day and they knew it.  The dealer in question was someone she found on the recommendation of a friend.  I am also lousy at hiding my dislike of how much they wanted from my mom for the car.
  I think my mom just wanted the process to be over.  Despite the shingles, mom had been to several dealers with friends test driving cars before I got involved.  Normally shopping is supposed to be fun isn't it?  I've been in home improvement stores where I've had to send up a flare to get help (ok it just felt that way). Mom was already fed up with the whole process, or more to the point, exhausted. She made an appointment to buy a car. (This was a  completely new concept for me, to be sure.) Still, I expected a better attitude from people to whom we were trying to give a pantload of money.
  Dealing with car salesman is also a lot like dealing with a politician, again not helpful.
  Mercifully, the best thing about this is that once we're done, we're done for a good long time.  We are of the drive-it-till-the-wheels-fall-off ilk for a lot of reasons.  Cheapness is probably the biggest reason along with avoiding the car buying process like the plague.  It's great to have a new car, of course, but I am perfectly content to keep my old car.  Old Bessie is the last car I bought from my ex before he passed away.  That process was the epitome of car buying perfection.  All I had to do was put the remote down long enough to write him a check.  It was the equivalent of "Fetch me a new car, wench!".  I bought it sight unseen from a guy who was more anal about the car being perfect than Sheldon Cooper solving an equation. I also knew I wasn't getting ripped off. I paid him cost plus a finder's fee.  God, I miss him!!!
  The disadvantage to a new car is the fact that the more gadgets you have, the more something can break. My car is over fifteen years old and I'm sure there are "new" nifty features that I have never used much less know how to use.  Finding an honest mechanic can be like looking for a unicorn.  You've heard of them but never actually seen one.  It can be as much fun as sticking a fork in your eye.  Someday, when I do have to get a new car, I may have to take a course to teach me how to use all the crap it comes with. Maybe I should just ger a new bike.

Can we get a grip, maybe?

   I am shocked again at how fast our summer has flown by.  You'd think I'd be used to this by now but no, I'm still amazed.  It began with the end of the school year panic about how am I going to keep our daughter occupied and ended with school starts when??!!  Our girl did have a good summer.  I can't say it was Facebook glamorous.  There were no pictures of us checking in to this or that amusement park or getaway spot but thanks to camp, she managed a few fun trips and we made it to the beach.
  Fall, will probably fly by in a sneeze.  Besides the blur of homework and soccer, I have a consignment sale, a martial arts test, a birthday party, and a contest entry to handle.  I also managed to commit myself to regular blogposts on a large website for promotional purposes.  Changing my name to skippy would probably give me copyright issues with a major corporation so I'll settle for an unofficial nickname.  I'm wondering how thin I can spread myself.
  It would help me get a grip if I could manage to eat my elephant one bite at a time.  Making lists help and maybe a dose of reality would aslo be nice.  I will not be able to pull everything off, at least not perfectly or when I would like.  Admitting that I don't have a cape and phone booth is depressing. The fun thing about having 'can't remember s**t' and lists it that you have to remember where the hell you put the damn lists.  Starting things early although almost against my genetics is also helpful.
  Another shocker would be to remember that life will go on.  My test is not a death match where the loser gets eaten by a bear.  I will do what I can to make time to write and maybe dig up some old pieces or leaf through some handwritten things to type in and post if I get stuck.  Setting a reasonable word count for fall posting would help.  Once our daughter starts school and soccer, I'm bound to find something funny to rant about.
   Our daughter will definitely turn 8 and come hell or high water there will be an ice cream cake.  The rest will come together one way or another.  We already have half the gifts for her.  The toughest part is telling my inlaws and our friends what her majesty would like for her birthday.  This is a good problem to have, Hellllooooo, we are blessed, remember???  God forbid we should hang onto that.
  Another outcome of all this stress is that I'm losing my hair.  It was getting so bad I went to a dermatologist for help.  I am told the leading cause is - you guessed it - stress!  Stop worrying about losing your hair, it causes hair loss!  I was told my hair is healthy, it's just abandoning ship.  Peachy, I may have to start shopping for hats, or snarky baseball caps.
   Could we not completely freak out and find patches of time to actually enjoy rather than survive??  My God, I may need an oxygen mask! Let's not go completely nuts. They say that exercise is also good stress relief.  I've been having some ungodly workouts lately but for some reason the only thing I've gotten is sore.  The upside of this is that I'm working off my alcohol and chocolate in advance.