The End of an Era?

   It is mid January, as of this writing, and so far, I'm not impressed. There has been one small improvement for me so far. A good friend introduced me to her boss who agreed to give me some part time work during tax season. Technically, I should be happy about this. We've had nothing coming in money wise for the past seven months so how about a little gratitude? I will freely admit to some whining, after all, isn't that what blogging is for? My biggest whine is that God forbid I find something close to my house. The other whine is that I was told I may have to attend a lunch meeting at a nice local restaurant. Wait, what??!! This is a problem??!!
    It is, in a way, but mostly, it's my problem. The opportunity to resolve or get rid of old baggage is here. O Goody, I love facing down old crap that I can't fix by punching people! That whole violence thing feels good but not only doesn't solve anything, it gets expensive. Ok, my ancient problem began with my last part time job ending. There was a woman who thought she was my boss although this was never made clear to me. My real boss had the people skills of a shoe and refused to investigate when she began to badmouth me.
   The error here is mine in that I should  have taken steps to correct the issue when it happened, for whatever good it may have done me at the time. The other error, or more accurately, defect, is my hanging onto this pain/irritation/annoyance for years. I read somewhere once that anger is like fire, it hurts the one who holds it. Clearly, these people could care less about how they behaved, so why do I? My brain insists on hanging onto this baggage like an irrational pit bull. What am I getting out of it?
   Most importantly,  why should I be the one to feel awkward if I should see said backstabber from the past at this lunch meeting? I keep trying to tell myself that karma takes care of people like that but I have an enormous list of people that karma forgot. Middle fingers at a networking event are considered bad P.R. and I'm pretty sure my new boss doesn't deserve that. A friend suggested that while I will probably see that creature I should try to focus on possibly meeting a good person there. My spouse brought up an even crazier idea, what if I end up liking this job? Imagine me, dear reader, taking a turn for the positive, how crazy is that?
Prologue: In a shocking turn of events this job didn't work out. It's now the following Summer and I have become a substitute teacher. More rants to follow.

The family GPS falls flat on her face

   I am the mom, a veritable hat rack of roles around here, most notably the family gps. "Mom!, where's my noun of the day ?" "Have you seen my noun of the day ?" You get the idea. In fact,  I've ranted about this before. So what's different this time? Well, recently we learned another valuable lesson as parents. Do NOT trust your ADHD 10 year old with anything small and expensive. This week's lost item is a video game that Mommy (vicious creature that I am) refuses to replace.
   Herein lies the rub, Dad and I were the geniuses who gave our girl said small and expensive item so we bear some responsibility. What I struggle with is the ADHD piece of the puzzle. It is only an explanation of how her majesty's brain works, not carte blanche to be irresponsible as hell because Mom and Dad will fix it.
   The bonus wrinkle here for us, at least, is the fact that we only have one child. You parents of multiples are my heroes. I used to find it funny when my daughter would say "Look at me." Who else do we look at???!! but I digress. This comes down to picking our battles. I have no problem, generally, letting our little princess fall flat on her face, I've even been known to point and laugh. The question is how hard do we let her fall?  Just to get things even hairier let's throw in the Daddy to the rescue problem. I mentioned I have no problem watching our kiddo fail, Daddy, however, is another matter.
    My spouse is well aware of his inherent weakness when it comes to our little princess. It's often my job (besides maid, vegetable gestapo, and general fun killer) to remind him that we are not doing her any favors here. The likelihood of her growing up to be a major crime boss with a staff of "fixers" is right up there with us hitting the lottery. She is book smart, but evil, world domination clever, not so much. This kid has only recently accepted the fact that there is a need for deodorant.
    I am ok with and love my late bloomer, I just hope she gets her petals banged up a bit in the process.

New Year Old Problem

     It's  the New Year, Yay! Out with the old, in with the new and all that crap! I am, as of this writing, the same bummed out grump I was last year this time. The holidays being over always get to me. I should take a page from the Retail industry and look for the next holiday. The trouble is, I can't find one, or not a big one. There are plenty of smaller things coming up for me to focus on but none of them are much fun. Considering the fact that after 2018, we have no where to go but up, I should be able to scrape up some hopeful enthusiasm for the New Year, right?
   I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we, as a family, are feeling a little beat up from last year. It could be that the last few months of the year flew by in such a blur that I feel like I didn't get a chance to really enjoy them. Being surrounded by reminders like large trees and house lights takes up a lot of space in our small house and when they're gone, the place can really feel empty. Add Winter, not much else holiday wise, tax filing and unemployment and you've got a basic recipe for depression.
   The question becomes what to do about it? The answer, regrettably didn't change from last year. When I can't find a holiday, I'll make one instead. (Thank you, Dr. Suess!) Enter, oddly enough, football season. Those that know me know I am no football fan. I am, however, a fan of getting our group of usual suspects together for a party. It also forces me to keep our house clean (reasonably). Wine notwithstanding, the big thing I enjoy about our gatherings is the opportunity to play games. It's the only time I get to use the adult card games that otherwise sit in our basement. We, as a group, are far from serious and there hasn't been a game yet in which at least one of  us laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.
    It may or may not help to remember that since Christmas managed to sneak up on me, I'm sure summer will, too. I seem to have a problem with trying to plan ahead versus living in the present moment. Right now, however, I'm having a problem scraping up any enthusiasm for either. It looks like I'm going to have to fake it till I make it. It would just be nice if that weren't the story of my life! Happy Winter, everyone!

Optimistic game plan - again

   It is the end of October, as of this writing and I am amazed again at how fast I got here. Didn't I just send all my guests home after New Year's? We are now knee deep in another Hallothankmas. I am way ready for Halloween, of course. We are decorated, I have our candy, and my daughter's costume is just about ready. You would think I would be halfway ready for Thanksgiving  and Christmas, too. The stores near me had their Halloween stuff out in August. I've been seeing Christmas things out now for weeks, too. So far, mercifully, I haven't  heard any carols yet.
    You would think with all this "retail assistance" that I'd be ready for the holidays with time to spare. I have yet to pull this off, although God knows it's not for lack of trying. I have yet to understand how/why the mad scramble happens every year. Some years I am further behind than others. My summer clothes are still in my drawers in late October, this doesn't bode well for my end of year plans. I may have to consider resorting to something crazy like asking for help or cutting back on the pantloads of cards and cookies.
    If the idea of "cutting back" in the age of the supermom is repulsive, there is always starting early. So far, I've only heard that this works, I've never actually done it myself. It does not work with housecleaning, given the farm animals I live with, but there are plenty of other things I could do. Here's another crazy idea, while we're at it, how about not even trying to live la vida Facebook and ignore what other people are doing? Well now I'm taking this "peace on earth(or at least my house)" business too far.
    Even scarier is the fact that right after Halloween, we only have about two and a half weeks until Thanksgiving. I am way not ready for that! This time of year is the hardest for me to stay in the present moment and God forbid, enjoy the now. Can you get jingle stress in October? It looks like I'm going to have to resort to lists in order to hang onto my sanity and remain more sober than not. Recently, I've been finding them to be helpful, even if I can't pull off everything I put on them. They help me prioritize, and considering I have enough notepads from various charities to wallpaper my house, why not make use of them?
    Let's just hope said lists don't get lost in all the clutter! Oh, and Happy Holidaze.

HAPPY Halloween?

   I have been on the hunt for a Halloween costume, on the cheap, of course, for my honey bun. It's been too much fun for humans this year. Frequently I dodge this bullet because I put a costume on her September birthday list. We struck out this year because her majesty has gotten interested in hard to find video game based outfits that grownups wear for cosplay. She is pushing mommy's creativity to it's limits again. I sprung for an overpriced hat on Amazon that allegedly won't arrive until November 1st! Halloween is not supposed to be stressful! My parents never went through this crap!
    It's easy to lose perspective in an environment that's lousy with marketing. Halloween is only one day. Costumes should be budgeted accordingly. I got lucky one year when our girl went out in a one piece pajama that doubled as a pokemon that year. Manufacturers really need to jump on that bandwagon and make more varied pajamas. Wouldn't it be great to get more than one use out of a Halloween costume?       This year I am trying to focus on accessories, rather than something overpriced and outgrown in ten minutes. I am also grateful our girl was never the half naked  "Disney princess" type. I had no interest in sending our girl out freezing for the sake of some outfit on a late October evening. I'll have to deal with that soon enough without a holiday. The accessories aren't exactly budget friendly, either. Eventually, I'll be lucky if I recoup a very small percentage of what we paid for various hats and props at our yard sale.
    Our girl is approaching an age where we can use makeup. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I guess it still beats a skimpy outfit but hopefully my skills with makeup will improve before it matters too much. I am trying, despite my dna, to not wait until the last minute next year. Despite her squirrely personality, I'm hoping to pin our girl down to a definite selection early enough for us to be completely ready. I would love to just relax and focus on what the holiday is really about - free chocolate!

I got nothing

   I have no real clue what I want to say here so I'm writing anyway in the hopes my coffee will kick in and provide some much needed assistance. Maybe because it's Monday, as of this writing, and raining, my brain is still asleep. I can understand that since I wish the rest of me was also in bed. This past weekend was a bit busy and next weekend looks even busier. I wish I could just go to a pumpkin patch like we usually do this time of year without having to squeeze it in. I prefer Saturdays for these things but so far, that's not looking good for us. It figures since the weather is supposed to be nicer the day I'm too busy to go.
   It is also finally starting to feel like fall so I guess my natural desire to get warm and cozy is kicking in. It's been four months since we went on vacation and I miss the beach. Mostly I miss the warmth and the stress relief. Dealing with my mother is the most stressful part of my job as a stay at home mom. It's a good lesson on what I want with my daughter as she gets older. I get it, that life isn't always going to be smooth but I want to become the older person my daughter looks forward to seeing, not a problem to be dealt with. These days I'm trying to decide if it's easier to cut visits and contact shorter or deal with longer but less frequent visits.
   I've also decided to look into what I can control. There are ways to shut down hostility from others, respectfully hanging up is one example. I haven't done this myself yet but I plan to try. There's a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". I found a copy of it on my bookshelf! I need to make the time to read it. Actually doing this will not be easy but I'm hoping it will also help me deal with someone else going through puberty, too. The biggest battle I have is not getting pulled into other people's drama. Right now, however, it feels like I'm in a drama sandwich!
   The best I can do, it seems, is to document as much of this bologna as I can in the hopes of using it as a guide for what I don't want. A big thing to hang onto is remembering that I have no reason to apologize for my choices to anyone, including my mother. I am curiously looking forward to reading this again at some point in the future. I want to know how it will feel when my daughter is where I am now. Being aware of what I don't want is the first step. I just hope it's enough.

Drawing a blank

   We are in the post birthday letdown week. The party was thrown, a bit underwhelming for attendance but I think the guest of honor had fun and in the end, I remind myself, that's all that counts. I am one of those dinosaurs who still believes in thank you notes, even if I don't enjoy writing them. We also very rarely receive them.
    Ironically, I have no problem writing other things, like blog posts. What's amazing to me is that my daughter hates writing. I frequently wonder whose dna this is for a lot of reasons but this does have me scratching my head. Her issue mostly centers around the physical act of writing. Admittedly, her handwriting makes a lot of prescriptions look neat. We have a hard time getting her to understand that the more you practice, the better it will get. She much prefers to throw a huge hissy fit and drag things out rather than put it in the rear view. I have yet to understand this.
   I am an eat your frog first person. I don't recall when, exactly, I latched on to this piece of logic but I have noticed that I usually feel better. My grown up brain forgets that ten year olds don't have much life experience to draw on. The ADHD part of our girl's brain also gets easily overwhelmed these days by seemingly small things when it's something she hates and when hormones are rearing their ugly heads. We forget to take things in small pieces. Grown up brains get tired, cranky, and just want homework killed off. There's also our already developed sense of discipline that we dream we'll see in her. The question is when???
    Regrettably, they no longer teach cursive writing in school. Even her teachers are not happy with this revolting development. It occurred to me that when you have a room full of bad penmanship that you aren't allowed to fix, you'd use the computer, too. Mercifully, my daughter's teachers told us they want the kids to be able to at least sign their names by the end of the year. I've also read that for some reason, ADHD kids do better at writing cursive than print. The problem is that physical ability and willingness are two different animals!