I've noticed that there are plenty of books out there about parenthood. There's a whole series of what to expect books that warn people about what's coming their way. What I'm wondering about is what about being married, or even just living together? Did I miss that party? I'm a huge fan of self help books and at fifteen years in, I could still use a hand. It would have been nice to have some advanced warning before I took the plunge. There are plenty of books out there once you're knee deep or having clawed your way out but what about beforehand?
I don't know if it would have made any difference for me personally but there are a few things I feel should be documented for when my daughter gets older. Being married gives you an immediate sneak peek at parenting. Those who have been with a grown man with a cold understand what I mean. One should also be on the lookout for signs of add or possibly "selective deafness". Try to lose the word "should" from your vocabulary. I still struggle with this. Yes, men are obtuse creatures, yes, you do have to point out what "should" be obvious. Knowing this going in can help take the stress off.
There is no guarantee that being aware of what you're dealing with makes it any less exhausting. You will also have to repeat yourself - a lot ( see selective deafness). Men, seemingly have a huge tolerance for dirt and chaos. It could be that we, as women. are finishing the job started by the moms of these once boys. In my case, I wonder what kind of, if any, job was done. I believe this is one of those compatibility items that got missed because we didn't live together before we married. This was frowned upon in my generation, but now I'm beginning to wonder if the "try before you buy" setup is really such a bad idea. I can only assume that's an individual preference thing.
The best advice I ever received was from my mother, who, ironically, was unhappily married. She said, "What you see is what you get, and pretty much what you're going to get, for the rest of your life!" It is true that people don't change much unless they want to, but they can be trained. Start with newspapers on the floor..... I'm kidding! What I really mean is that you need to get it clear in your head and heart what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. Herein lies the rub. There is a fine line between picking your battles and valuing yourself. I am finding as I get older that I can see what I need to let go of, but actually doing it is another matter. The biggest question to answer, at least for me, is why is X so important? Is this helpful?
If the answer is yes, it is very important to speak up, early and often!
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Friday, August 17, 2018
Welcome to the aftermath - Again
We had a record yard sale. Sometimes I think maybe we shouldn't bother anymore. The last couple of years have been good and the forced ritual of herding everything that needs to leave in one place has been good for us. This past yard sale we also had a record amount of crap to get rid of, too. We finally had some friends join us with their items for sale, as well. It doesn't look like retirement is in our future. If anything I would be happy if we can get another set of friends to join us. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy our little group.
Our garage sales are also literally in our garage and spill down our driveway. The downside is pulling both cars out and seeing them get coated with a lovely shade of yellow pollen. The upside is getting my garage cleaned out. Now that the sale is over, the work of putting together our donation for Purple Heart and putting away the tables and crap leftover begins. I also promised myself that once the yardsale was over I'll get to doing "X". We'll, it's over, so now I need to start working on those promises.
I've often thought how can someone unemployed be so busy? I blame the house. The funny thing is, that while I consider our home to be reasonable, it is far from perfect. There is always something to clean that hasn't been touched in a long time. I don't remember dealing with this much when I had an apartment. Back then, however, I lived alone, too. More humans means more work. There is also the outside maintenance to deal with as well. Fortunately and unfortunately, we have a decent sized yard. Every spring it starts to look like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom out there (for all you fellow dinosaurs) and I am the Marlon Perkins of the house.
This year things are definitely taking a turn for the interesting since my "injured back" soap opera began. I am now on the glacial road to recovery and have to think about things I used to do without a second thought. Moving patio tables and lifting bags of mulch by myself is now verboten, according to my chiropractor. God only knows how I'm going to manage to turn over my dirt for a tomato patch this year. I may have to do something crazy like ask for help! The really hard part will be trying to keep my trap shut when the "help" isn't doing it right!
This may be either good or bad for us as a couple. My husband is expecting to be home for the summer this year. It could give me a good picture of what retirement wold look like. It will give us a good chance to catch up on some household projects around here. The prospect of working together sort of worries me. We will most likely have another yard sale in the fall. I may have a slightly used spouse for sale, cheap!
Our garage sales are also literally in our garage and spill down our driveway. The downside is pulling both cars out and seeing them get coated with a lovely shade of yellow pollen. The upside is getting my garage cleaned out. Now that the sale is over, the work of putting together our donation for Purple Heart and putting away the tables and crap leftover begins. I also promised myself that once the yardsale was over I'll get to doing "X". We'll, it's over, so now I need to start working on those promises.
I've often thought how can someone unemployed be so busy? I blame the house. The funny thing is, that while I consider our home to be reasonable, it is far from perfect. There is always something to clean that hasn't been touched in a long time. I don't remember dealing with this much when I had an apartment. Back then, however, I lived alone, too. More humans means more work. There is also the outside maintenance to deal with as well. Fortunately and unfortunately, we have a decent sized yard. Every spring it starts to look like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom out there (for all you fellow dinosaurs) and I am the Marlon Perkins of the house.
This year things are definitely taking a turn for the interesting since my "injured back" soap opera began. I am now on the glacial road to recovery and have to think about things I used to do without a second thought. Moving patio tables and lifting bags of mulch by myself is now verboten, according to my chiropractor. God only knows how I'm going to manage to turn over my dirt for a tomato patch this year. I may have to do something crazy like ask for help! The really hard part will be trying to keep my trap shut when the "help" isn't doing it right!
This may be either good or bad for us as a couple. My husband is expecting to be home for the summer this year. It could give me a good picture of what retirement wold look like. It will give us a good chance to catch up on some household projects around here. The prospect of working together sort of worries me. We will most likely have another yard sale in the fall. I may have a slightly used spouse for sale, cheap!
Friday, August 3, 2018
Gunk on the train tracks?
We hit a rough patch on the homework trail recently. It was one of those nights when I had to sit next to our 9 year old almost the whole time while she did her homework. It was painful and lasted right up until bedtime. Our beautiful and brilliant Adhd girl needs an absolutely barren workspace to get anything done as well as frequent check ins from me in the next room. I will ask her how many problems are left, whether she's stuck on something, how she's making out, or anything else I can think of to remind her that she's supposed to be doing her homework.
This is not unusual, from what I've read. Some nights do go better than others. Our girl has had problems shifting from one activity to the next since she was small so I have to tell her we are attacking homework at 5:30, which we do every night. I also have to tell her how much time that is from where we are currently and give warnings as to when it's time to switch. Why not just kill off the homework immediately after school? I would love to be able to get our girl into that routine and we may yet manage that in the future. It's just that for someone forced to largely sit still and behave for almost seven hours with a short recess, I figure our squirrel needs a break. I am also going under the theory that if she's in a better frame of mind, the homework will take less time.
This is assuming, she hasn't "forgot" her homework. Luckily, or unluckily?, I am the school bus so I try to double check her backpack in the parking lot before we leave. Someone once said "Trust, but verify." (Was it Reagan?) I'm not sure what we're going to do when we no longer have this luxury. The assignments themselves are online, but only some textbooks. I may have to consult with the teacher when the time comes. Leaving lunch leftovers, while gross, is not as big a deal since we do have a spare lunch bag. There is also the idea that sometimes she is going to have to take the consequences of forgetting in the hopes it will build some sense of responsibility, too.
Some nights, it just all goes to hell and I have to resort to jelly beans. We had a particularly large amount of math to kill off and it contained the dreaded "write math". These are problems in which you are asked to explain something in a sentence or two. My daughter wastes more time ranting about how much she hates it than actually getting it done. I hear this is common. The only way I could figure out how to get us both through this was to fill a shot glass with jelly beans to "help her along", while I used a write on wipe off to help her compose an answer she could then copy. Words fail to describe how much I wanted to refill that shot glass when she was done but I digress.
When you're knee deep in the struggle, it gets hard to remember the big picture. Are the grades okay overall? Have recent tests been good? I've also noticed that at least in our case, things are way better now than they were at the beginning of the school year, and certainly from the previous year. I am working on accepting that my daughter will never be free of ADHD, but I am still grateful that I believe our case is mild. Thankfully, the hellish nights are only occasional. So, dear reader, how goes the homework at your house?
This is not unusual, from what I've read. Some nights do go better than others. Our girl has had problems shifting from one activity to the next since she was small so I have to tell her we are attacking homework at 5:30, which we do every night. I also have to tell her how much time that is from where we are currently and give warnings as to when it's time to switch. Why not just kill off the homework immediately after school? I would love to be able to get our girl into that routine and we may yet manage that in the future. It's just that for someone forced to largely sit still and behave for almost seven hours with a short recess, I figure our squirrel needs a break. I am also going under the theory that if she's in a better frame of mind, the homework will take less time.
This is assuming, she hasn't "forgot" her homework. Luckily, or unluckily?, I am the school bus so I try to double check her backpack in the parking lot before we leave. Someone once said "Trust, but verify." (Was it Reagan?) I'm not sure what we're going to do when we no longer have this luxury. The assignments themselves are online, but only some textbooks. I may have to consult with the teacher when the time comes. Leaving lunch leftovers, while gross, is not as big a deal since we do have a spare lunch bag. There is also the idea that sometimes she is going to have to take the consequences of forgetting in the hopes it will build some sense of responsibility, too.
Some nights, it just all goes to hell and I have to resort to jelly beans. We had a particularly large amount of math to kill off and it contained the dreaded "write math". These are problems in which you are asked to explain something in a sentence or two. My daughter wastes more time ranting about how much she hates it than actually getting it done. I hear this is common. The only way I could figure out how to get us both through this was to fill a shot glass with jelly beans to "help her along", while I used a write on wipe off to help her compose an answer she could then copy. Words fail to describe how much I wanted to refill that shot glass when she was done but I digress.
When you're knee deep in the struggle, it gets hard to remember the big picture. Are the grades okay overall? Have recent tests been good? I've also noticed that at least in our case, things are way better now than they were at the beginning of the school year, and certainly from the previous year. I am working on accepting that my daughter will never be free of ADHD, but I am still grateful that I believe our case is mild. Thankfully, the hellish nights are only occasional. So, dear reader, how goes the homework at your house?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)