The great unknown

   Here we go again, but not! I've just completed substitute teacher training for my local district. This is nothing like what I did last year before the pandemic hit. The classrooms are going hybrid this year. I could conceivably have the live captive audience I'm used to but also a gaggle of homebound ducklings learning remotely. The technology involved is a bit overwhelming. I was never trained when I began so even turning on the computer and smartboard was an occasional problem. I had no logins of my own and didn't know where anything was. I still don't know how to find morning announcements after being there a year! 

  The general attitude seemed to be don't worry, the kids will help you. I was less than thrilled with this since I wanted to feel like I had some shred of control. It was already obvious I was nervous as a newbie. The lack of training just increased the stress. I also found out from other subs that this was pretty much par for the course. High turnover is probably why it was so easy to get the job in the first place. The carrots were the hours, the location, and the flexibility to choose which days I worked. This year those are the only things that haven't changed, as far as I know. 

   I have now just read online that the kids at my preferred school will only be there for four hours a day in person. That may be helpful on one level but it doesn't take care of the biggest concern I have. My problem is the technology involved. The district's idea of training is not enough for some newbie dinosaurs. That which is supposed to make my life easier scares the hell out of me. Talk about fear of the unknown! There is a theory that goes just rip off the bandaid and jump in. I understand that up to a point but I have this crazy idea that I want to feel like I know what I'm doing.

   The same feeling has been pervading my graduate school pursuits. The University seems to require a lot of software and passwords that have been too much fun for humans for me to get working. The difference that I've observed so far, is that the University is helpful in getting one's ducks in a row. It helps to be surrounded by twenty somethings. Feeling like I know what I'm doing is going to have to remain a goal for the forseeable future. It's actually wierd, now that I think about it, just how pervasive that feeling is in my life. Since I'm forced to function as a grownup I guess I've not allowed myself the luxury of giving it much thought.  

  Welcome to a whole new world of learning. My advice to you, Flounder, is to start drinking heavily! 

    

   

The never ending quest

   Fall is almost here. I wish I could scrape up some enthusiasm. I am not ready to let go of Summer because I feel like I need more time to make up the fun we would have normally had. We managed, under the circumstances, but mommy guilt is blind to the plight of mere mortals. I do actually love the Fall. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Last year, it felt like Fall was 10 minutes long because the Summer weather continued well past September. Maybe I just need another month tacked onto my year.

   That doesn't make sense, either though. Most of us can't wait for 2020 to be over, and with good reason. We could all use a vaccine, some new jobs and a new President. This whole year has been like an obnoxious inlaw that won't leave. More fun still awaits, like when you think your diarrhea is subsiding. Halloween is in danger. I blame the grownups for this one. If you can go to the liquor store for homeschooling supplies, you can put on a mask and give out some cheap candy. 

   The pandemic is also threatening Thanksgiving and Christmas. I finally got a holiday to host for my family. I have two successful Turkey days under my belt. This year, however, I'm up to my armpits in high risk relatives who, understandably, may not want to come over, even for a free Turkey dinner. It frustrates me but I have to take what I can get. My core group of usual suspects are still willing to hang, so there's that.

   We do, however,  have one party pooper who is not even willing to go the polyanna route for grown ups. This was to cut down on people's shopping during a pandemic. I think this was the opportunity she's been looking for, personally. This particular person, while generally nice, was never what I would call festive. The little kid in me loves presents. I also enjoy finding them for people and wrapping them. It's not so much that I demand someone spend pantloads on yours truly, it's just that I have always loved having stuff to unwrap, however small and stupid. 

  I'm giving up, or trying to give up on getting any sense of control. While I'm at it, I should probably plan for technological screw ups and just pray they won't be epic. It appears that I'll have a better shot at getting out and trying to enjoy what I can, while it's here. Who's up for a pumpkin spice latte on the beach?

Not sick, but Sick and Tired

    It's week 147 the 49th of Blurjaugs and I'm working on, of all things, a "positive attitude"! Neither myself nor any of my family have gotten sick and while that is truly something to be grateful for, life is getting a bit tough in my suburban bubble. I am currently unemployed and grad school hasn't started yet, although it will soon. My daily "routine" depends on whether I need to do any major cleaning or shopping and my martial arts classes.  

   I'm lucky we have good friends. It's been a great help to see people here and there and play cards and chat. It's especially important to hear from other people that I am not alone. We are all worried and stuck not knowing what to do about school for the kids this year. You can really lose sight of that in quarantine! I am working on registering for a graduate school class for this fall. I have been having an enormous amount of trouble doing it.  Taking a step back and realizing that other people I deal with are busy and don't care that I have nothing else to worry about right now also helps. 

   When I finally was able to register for the class I needed, the relief was almost physical. I guess it was the idea of regaining some shred of control that did it. Making the most of good news, however small, is important for helping me to maintain morale during this current s@÷tshow but also in general. Yes, I'm looking for a permanent change! That's it! She's clearly lost it! 

   This Summer has brought a lot of unwelcome changes so whatever relief I can get, I'll take. We have been forced to do day trips at the beach this year instead of our usual one week stay. The three times we went have been very good. No one got badly sunburnt, either. I'm hopeful we can fit one more in before school starts but if that doesn't work out, it's a comfort to know we still got there at all. Those trips have also provided some huge amounts of stress relief. I physically feel better afterward. My daughter having fun and being near the ocean are the two biggest reasons it helps me so much. 

   I am not ready for this Summer to be over. This is incredibly wierd since it's been such a let down. My guess is I am looking for more chances to make up the fun we're missing. Substitute teaching does scare me this year, as it will a lot of people, I'm sure. I hope I haven't set myself up for more than I can handle this fall. I plan to hang onto the fact that nothing I'm getting myself into can't be gotten out of. It's the lack of a paying job for me that's annoying. This pandemic can become a comfortable excuse though, too. It certainly caters to any fear of leaving the house.

   There are ways to escape from covid stress, if I could just remember to use them! I've been seeing a lot of recordings of beaches online. That might be helpful to watch occasionally besides meditation, which I have yet to master. Exercise is not an issue for me, personally. I get plenty of that, although most of it is indoors. The martial arts piece of things is actually something of an escape in that it demands all of your attention to remember the moves in a form. It's hard to worry simultaneously! I'm grateful to not be the sort of person who eats too much under stress. Otherwise, I'd be huge by now.

   I found a very good at home workout program to follow. It only takes about 20 minutes a day to complete a session with "workout barbie" as I call her. Really she's probably a perfectly ok person but I believe I own shoes her age somewhere. I live for the built in breaks of 15 seconds in each exercise. Not all of her videos have them. It's called madfit on YouTube. (You're welcome for the free plug, whoever you are.) They also don't need weights, which is very helpful. I miss my old classes with my old teacher but they had stopped before this pandemic nightmare anyway.

   My husband has even tried a few of the videos although he prefers the beginners programs. The videos I follow are a bit intense. That doesn't bug me because I adjust my intensity to what I can do. I won't deny I am jealous of her bounciness, but such is life. I am just grateful that he's willing to finally do something. I've been harassing him to get in shape for years and I've gotten nothing but excuses. It's great that so far, at least, he's been trying. Old habits die hard. It's incredibly easy for me to get negative. Talk about turning over a new leaf.