Tempus needs to stop

  It's approaching Thanksgiving, as of this writing. Forget how fast the year is flying by, my morning just flew by in a sneeze. It's going to take one concerted effort on my part to be here now, as they say. I keep picturing claw marks as I'm inexorably dragged through my holiday season. I 'm not ready yet! I promised myself last year I would have started cards or shopping or cookie dough by now. I'm a filthy liar and gullible as hell because last year, I believed me!
   The mission, it seems, is to let go of what does or doesn't get done and just enjoy. Maybe I should just settle for leaping over tall buildings in a single bound.  I could just start small and focus on ten minute bursts. The problem is that I'm not having much luck with that either. I've been trying to meditate for over a year now and I think I've managed a whole three minutes in one shot. I blame the house and my older brain. Old habits die hard is another understatement for the ages.
   'Focus on your breath', my tablet says. 'What do I have to get done today?' said the brain. 'Scan the body and notice how the body feels.' says the meditation app. 'Is it too early for winter skin? Why am I so itchy?'....and so it goes. If I could blindfold and gag my brain maybe I'd get somewhere.
   My love hate relationship with Facebook continues. I have plenty of friends who are actually pulling off the whole "doing festive things". I am still baffled by where are they getting the money for this and how the hell do you remember to take a picture and post it?! My daughter is the most well documented kid on the planet. Mommy and Daddy, not so much. I'd have to ask my spouse how he feels about the lack of adult pictures. There was that one time someone mistook my husband for my Father! We were out having dinner with his family and I laughed my *ss off. I can only assume he's not that sorry about the lack of photographic evidence.

My how things have changed!

   Dear reader I must thank you for sticking with me through my mid life crisis. It is November as of this writing. I am trying to plan my winter. I recently began substitute teaching for my daughter's district. The commute is great, the people are nice, the facilities are ok but the pay is underwhelming. I am reminded of a sign I saw in one of the classrooms lately that said "I became a teacher for the money and fame." My previous profession paid way more and meant way less. That's probably the biggest reason I'm reluctant to let go of it completely, well ok the money and me killing myself to pass the CPA exam.
   I have put some feelers out to old contacts to see if there were any opportunities for some part time tax work this winter. So far crickets are chirping.  This is the time of year CPA firms staff up for year end. Admittedly, I could go to the "H" place but I am less than thrilled with paying for training. I've already had to do that once, which wasn't reallly training and was rude enough for one time. This "training" also does not guarantee a job. Should you get said job you may be required to sell additional products like refund anticipation loans. I would rather try to sell a flaming bag of dog poop.   
    What's the problem? I am a lousy salesman period. These loans also bug me for several reasons. They prey on people who can't manage their money. The goal of any tax return, from an accountant's perspective, is to break even. Unless it's the only way you can save, you're giving the government an interest free loan for a year.' We can get you a huge refund' can translate into 'we can make sure you're overpaid into the system'! Let's not lose sight of the fact that this is your money. I believe that one is also highly encouraged to sell 'second loooks' at previously filed returns.
    The other fun problem to cope with is flexibility. While my daughter is older, she still needs a grown up around. Someone has to drive her to and from school and make sure the homework gets done. Whatever job I end up with needs to wrap up in time for me to get my daughter. I'm hoping that I would have better luck with a small, independent CPA firm rather than a retail outlet style place. There is also a possibility of additional work after the end of tax season for extensions and bookkeeping clients. Substitute teaching is helpful for nine months but I'm still on the prowl for additional sheckels.  The hunt continues. 

   Here's a fun update! One year later, my kiddo needs to catch a bus 2 days a week and work virtually, the other 3. I am now in grad school because nothing goes better with unemployment than massive debt. (Just kidding, we're paying as I go.) I actually decided to try the "H place" as I call it. The current plan is to try it and see. If it's a horrendous nightmare, I work long enough to recoup my training costs and gtfo. I am still on the list for substitute teaching although I have no idea when I'm going to fit it in. This promises to be an interesting fall. Stay tuned.

Tempus fugit rant number 673

   We have just survived Halloween as of this writing and already I am dreading winter. The retail tradition of the extended Christmas money grab is annoying to be sure but I admit, in a way, I need it. I have a bizarre relationship with time. I procrastinate when it comes to preparing for holidays and yet my wierdass brain dreads the post holiday let down. Granted, unless you live at a posh ski resort or have rampant hot flashes, who in their right mind looks forward to the bleak days of winter?
    I use the annoying sales gimmicks to help me get some things done ahead of time, however small. It also helps extend the holiday season that seems to fly by too quickly for my liking. The Fall is tough to enjoy because I am loath to let go of the Summer and Summer does tend to hang around. It's hard to enjoy a season that's about ten minutes long. That's barely long enough for me to pull my head out of my ass and realize we should hit a pumpkin patch. Whaddya mean it's getting late?! I still haven't put away the summer clothes! Another season screwed over by tempus fugit.
   This particular Fall I chose to stretch out Halloween a bit. I like leaving decorations up for about a week after a holiday. Christmas decorations stay out longer to stave off me admitting it's winter and I'm out of holidays for a while. It also takes a while to put that stuff away because there's a lot of it. I don't do much around the house for the Spring and Summer holidays, just Halloween and Christmas, with only half as much spooky crap as the yuletide junk. It's funny to think that some of the leftover candy from one holiday finds it's way into the next holiday's cookies! There's a stretch for you!
   In some ways, it's a fight to get my seasonal timing right. God forbid I try to enjoy one thing at a time. By the time I master the art of living in the moment, I will most likely be out of them and they'll be closing the lid.

Brain musings

   It's hard to sit and try to think of something to blog about when I'm so tempted to walk around the house and clean up. Thankfully, I don't spend all day at my tablet, although I should be writing more. This particular week I managed to get sick after substitute teaching for about six weeks into the school year. I'm really surprised I lasted this long, really. My daughter is grateful, I think, because I don't feel comfortable smooching her when I could get her sick. "Yuk, Mom!!", is something I get a lot these days.
   It is about seven weeks into the school year, as of this writing. I'm a bit surprised I haven't gotten sick before this. I've been substitute teaching for more days this year than I did all of last year. I was called in to try to come in to work this week but I had to decline. It's depressing to acknowledge that I'm getting older and actually have to take time to get over illness. I used to just load up on otc crap and power through unless it was almost pneumonia. My iron woman status is rusting. My body has a lot of guts trying to force me to take care of myself!
    It could just be my age or newer, uglier germs but this illness crap feels like it hangs around a lot longer than it used to. Most likely, it's just getting more of my attention. My timing is impeccable, as always. I managed to get sick close to the time I'll be traipsing around my neighborhood with my daughter. My spouse has been sick, too. It's also supposed to rain this year on Halloween.
   I knew this wasn't going to happen. Do I have meteorological information that the average bear doesn't?  No. I spent most of my time two days before searching creation for a clear plastic rain poncho my daughter could wear over her costume. Trick or treating went off without a drop or clear plastic. You're welcome, Gloucester  County. Despite feeling crappy, I worked my *ss off getting my daughter's costume together. Regrettably, the sewing didn't survive the evening for some of her outfit but I'm trying to let some things go, especially since the mission is to look ok for a couple of hours.
   What I really enjoy about the whole thing is the leftover candy, of course.

The Letdown

   It happened again. I worked my *ss off to clean the house and set up our garage for another birthday party. The attendance was underwhelming. It's the turkey's fault. We had a medium sized turkey sitting in our freezer for God knows how long. The freezer it was sitting in was in desperate need of defrosting. I got a small idea of what it was like to go on an arctic expedition. We found a lot of frozen artifacts and it was a miracle I was able to get the bird out at all. What do you do with 15 to 18 pounds of defrosting meat when your family has only three people? Throw a party, of course.
   The party in question needed to happen in the fall but not too far into the fall. We put people in our garage and since the doors stay open, we need warmer weather. Picking a date was a huge pain because a lot of our guests were continuously busy until finally, I just picked a date and stuck with it. Once the invitations went out, people started dropping like flies. I got several texts from people who were going to be hours late! I began to be grateful they were still showing up at all. The whole thing became ungodly frustrating and almost felt personal, although I have no idea why.
   I had enough fun racking my brains for gift ideas leading up to this and now I'm not I'll even see them and half the suggestions were ignored anyway. I really need a better game plan. I am never sorry when I get the house clean, despite the fact that it never lasts. It would feel like there was more of a payoff to all that effort if it was for a grown up gathering. Kids, and my spouse, are oblivious to whetther the house looks good. The birthday princess in question is also a huge fan of sleepovers. I'm always late to the party on these things but it looks like we will be going the small sleepover route for next year.
  It all worked out in the end, of course. The only drawback was a stupid amount of leftover turkey.

This, dear reader was written pre pandemic. Hilarious to think of the things I kvetch about that seem like such small potatoes now. This year, we will have to deal with our first quarantine kid birthday. Now There's a kvetch waiting to happen! 
 

And another thing!

    I mentioned previously that I was looking for something from my spouse that was a little better than feeling up a bowl of jello. Those who have seen my hubby would probably say he looks ok for a guy his age. He is not what I would call "fat as a house" but has a belly. So what's so wrong with that you superficial bastard? Well, yes, I  am, in fact, a superficial jerk but I have my reasons.
   First, I have always been a gym rat. The problem for me is that my husband could care less about fitness. He does care about sex. This is one problem for me in that while I know he is fond of my boobs, I'm not fond of his. I work hard to keep myself in some shred of shape and I get resentful that I'm the only one. I am not looking for Mister Universe, just respectable will do. It's almost impossible to feel like you want to snuggle with someone you don't want. I am not ready to give up on having a decent sex life while I still have a decent body.
   It's also a question of health. The more you move, the more you can move. I have no interest in becoming my husband's nurse because he refuses to take care of himself. I saw my Mom go through this with my Father and it's nothing I want any part of.  It's bad enough I do most of the cleaning up like she did.
   Then there is buyer's remorse, in a sense. My brain told me that this marriage would be a good thing for me. I married a person who loved me, was a good person, and made me feel wanted (something I had deperately missed for years). There was also the compatibility issue. I'd swear, frequently, that we share a brain. The only thing lacking was a physical attraction. Should I have taken a pass for just that reason? These days, I wonder. I'm also baffled that my spouse, knowing how I feel, doesn't seem to want to bail.
   My guts are telling me that I'm ok where I am. That is to say, I was engaged once before and it never "felt right". I don't have that uneasy I-need-to-leave feeling I had back then. The problem is having the unmitigated gaul to want more when I have a lot already. Yes, I am that greedy, and stubborn, for that matter.
    A friend wisely advised me, given my utter lack of diplomacy, that I go at this from a health perspective. We know his job opening would be out faster than his obituary. There is also not enough vodka on earth to help me get our daughter through the teen years by myself. I need my spouse to live a long healthy life. So how do you talk to someone when you're as tactful as a brick? I'm open to suggestions, dear reader!

The teapot is boiling again!

  I may have mentioned this previously but we, as a couple, use a therapist. This has been going on for about a year now. Things have gotten better but I have zero patience and even less diplomatic skills. I may have mentioned that I'm a lot like my father in that I tend to keep things that bother me quiet until it finally explodes. I will admit that recently I've been stressed out and I know when that happens I get even more prickly than usual. When there's too much I can't control around me I can get overfocused on the piddly things I can.
   I believe this is only part of the problem. My spouse thinks it's the whole issue, or seems to, anyway. It reminds me of when a guy would blame something on your pms when in fact No, you're an asshole AND I happen to have my period. I believe that a lot of what's bugging me is, in fact, minor. My husband is an oblivious slob but still a good husband and father. While I see no reason to throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak, I could use to learn to ask for help Before said water boils over.
   Knowing that I'm dealing with someone who doesn't see a damn thing when it comes to mess should make it easier in a sense in that you know you need to tell them everything. That still gets old quick and the bad example it sets only further aggravates me. I will admit I could also probably use to chill out about the house, among other things. If you quote me in public, I'll deny it.
   His parents have been gone for years. I wish I could ask his mom if she taught him any life skills. Do we, as parents, create problems for other women to deal with later? Is this largely a problem with males? My spouse is better than my father was but I am still baffled by the high tolerance for crap everywhere. I joke the reason we don't have a pet is that I've barely got my husband house broken, much less a dog. I'm also lucky to be working part time, what happens if I start working full time?
   I understand why my mom was such a miserable person growing up. Marrying a slob and staying there had a lot to do with it. My parents didn't really have the physical end of things to deal with, either. What happens when only one of you cares about self maintenance? I am the victim of the "I'm  married, I can let myself go" mentality. Most likely, I'm in the minority here. I have a lot of friends who, one could argue, are proponents of this philosophy. My reasons for being into fitness run long and deep. I'm not expecting my husband to become something he never was, but I  am asking for a little more muscle tone than jello. How are the chores divided at your house?