I got nothing

   I have no real clue what I want to say here so I'm writing anyway in the hopes my coffee will kick in and provide some much needed assistance. Maybe because it's Monday, as of this writing, and raining, my brain is still asleep. I can understand that since I wish the rest of me was also in bed. This past weekend was a bit busy and next weekend looks even busier. I wish I could just go to a pumpkin patch like we usually do this time of year without having to squeeze it in. I prefer Saturdays for these things but so far, that's not looking good for us. It figures since the weather is supposed to be nicer the day I'm too busy to go.
   It is also finally starting to feel like fall so I guess my natural desire to get warm and cozy is kicking in. It's been four months since we went on vacation and I miss the beach. Mostly I miss the warmth and the stress relief. Dealing with my mother is the most stressful part of my job as a stay at home mom. It's a good lesson on what I want with my daughter as she gets older. I get it, that life isn't always going to be smooth but I want to become the older person my daughter looks forward to seeing, not a problem to be dealt with. These days I'm trying to decide if it's easier to cut visits and contact shorter or deal with longer but less frequent visits.
   I've also decided to look into what I can control. There are ways to shut down hostility from others, respectfully hanging up is one example. I haven't done this myself yet but I plan to try. There's a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". I found a copy of it on my bookshelf! I need to make the time to read it. Actually doing this will not be easy but I'm hoping it will also help me deal with someone else going through puberty, too. The biggest battle I have is not getting pulled into other people's drama. Right now, however, it feels like I'm in a drama sandwich!
   The best I can do, it seems, is to document as much of this bologna as I can in the hopes of using it as a guide for what I don't want. A big thing to hang onto is remembering that I have no reason to apologize for my choices to anyone, including my mother. I am curiously looking forward to reading this again at some point in the future. I want to know how it will feel when my daughter is where I am now. Being aware of what I don't want is the first step. I just hope it's enough.

Drawing a blank

   We are in the post birthday letdown week. The party was thrown, a bit underwhelming for attendance but I think the guest of honor had fun and in the end, I remind myself, that's all that counts. I am one of those dinosaurs who still believes in thank you notes, even if I don't enjoy writing them. We also very rarely receive them.
    Ironically, I have no problem writing other things, like blog posts. What's amazing to me is that my daughter hates writing. I frequently wonder whose dna this is for a lot of reasons but this does have me scratching my head. Her issue mostly centers around the physical act of writing. Admittedly, her handwriting makes a lot of prescriptions look neat. We have a hard time getting her to understand that the more you practice, the better it will get. She much prefers to throw a huge hissy fit and drag things out rather than put it in the rear view. I have yet to understand this.
   I am an eat your frog first person. I don't recall when, exactly, I latched on to this piece of logic but I have noticed that I usually feel better. My grown up brain forgets that ten year olds don't have much life experience to draw on. The ADHD part of our girl's brain also gets easily overwhelmed these days by seemingly small things when it's something she hates and when hormones are rearing their ugly heads. We forget to take things in small pieces. Grown up brains get tired, cranky, and just want homework killed off. There's also our already developed sense of discipline that we dream we'll see in her. The question is when???
    Regrettably, they no longer teach cursive writing in school. Even her teachers are not happy with this revolting development. It occurred to me that when you have a room full of bad penmanship that you aren't allowed to fix, you'd use the computer, too. Mercifully, my daughter's teachers told us they want the kids to be able to at least sign their names by the end of the year. I've also read that for some reason, ADHD kids do better at writing cursive than print. The problem is that physical ability and willingness are two different animals!

Pobody's Nerfect

   So far, it's been a crazy fall. We aren't even that far into it, really.  It is late September,  as of this writing, and I'm still adjusting. Our daughter has entered the double digits and we've been busy as a family organizing a birthday outing, a yard sale, and a family party. In all the chaos of the last several weeks, the unthinkable happened.  I MISSED A LIBRARY BOOK SALE!! Those familiar with our home would say we could build furniture with all the books we have as it is, why would you need more?
    I admit I have long standing book issues. This most recent error really bothered me because it's never happened before but there's also more to it than that. I hate book dealers with a passion. I've ranted about these creatures before and have made no attempt whatsoever to conceal my feelings when I'm at a book sale. I believe they even know me, not by name, I'm proudly the crazy b***h that hates dealers. Missing the opportunity to bug these people just by my presence feels like making a wicked witch happy. (See earlier sentence about "book issues" and remove the word "book".)
   If I remember correctly, I was dimly aware there was a sale that day. We even drove past it, according to my spouse. So what the hell happened, you may ask? My theory is that I became distracted by Amish market coupons and my daughter's tenth birthday trip. We were very concerned about the weather that day since we had been getting stupid amounts of rain recently and I had no "plan B".  We arranged to meet my daughter's friend and his family at the beach that day.
   Going to a book sale and trying to limit my time there is like telling someone, I'm going to a crack den, I'll be out in ten minutes! It may have been doable to have gotten up and gone early but not easy and definitely upsetting for my spouse. It would have taken a lot to get me out of there and starting the day pissed off is not a good idea.
   Forgiving yourself and moving on remain lofty goals for me these days. I can't remember everything. Like most things I worry about, our shore outing turned out great. Our little girl had a great time and we got away with celebrating relatively cheaply. My greedy bulldog brain wants everything and wants it perfect. Anybody know of a book I can read that might help?

Happy birthday to who?

    Today my baby is ten! She is so excited to reach double digits, mommy, not so much. Coping with my birthday was tough enough. I remember my father 's words, 'It could be worse, you could have a kid your age!'. He couldn't have been more right but today is definitely a layer cake of emotions for me. I enjoy seeing her happy, but getting older scares me. It was comforting to hang onto the little kid phases because hey, I can't be that old if I'm the parent of a toddler, right?
   There is an upside to the changes. She is remarkably perceptive when she wants to be and can certainly do a lot more for herself.  The downside of course, is when you realize that you aren't needed as much, shouldn't you be doing something else? Therein lies the rub. What, exactly "else" should that be? I've only been trying to answer that question for the last ten years now! Time hasn't been going by any slower to give me time to figure this out, either.
   I did manage to put a thumbnail scratch in this iceberg recently when I spoke to one of my daughter's school counselors to find out how she got where she was in her job. It was enlightening and somewhat scary but I'm glad I did. The education required and the internships sounded overwhelming but at least I found out what was involved. I also got some good advice from a friend who suggested rather than going back to school, I should consider getting a job at a school to see if I even like the environment.
   Smart friends can be a real asset, but they can also be a pain in the ass when they make you think! There was no arguing that she had a point. There is also the minor detail that we, as of this writing, have zero income coming in and a degree can cost around $26,000. There is also one more consideration, the bane of my existence, letting go. How is this a problem? Some people have gotten a bit spoiled with Mom being home full time. If I am working, that leaves less time to spoil people.
   How do I manage to let people do more for themselves and dare I dream it?, help more around the house? If you want to get really crazy, being less bitter about what slobs I live with would go a long way to saving my sanity, too.  How exactly does one pull this off? I'm open to suggestions.
 

Happy Mother's Day A**hole!

   Have you ever found yourself so upset by someone that you can't even think about them without boiling? What do you do if that someone is family? There was a meme recently that described talking to stupid people (or ignorant and hurtful in my case). It described playing chess with a pidgeon that would s**t all over the board and strut around like it won anyway. I am dealing with someone who refuses to look at their own behavior for what it is, forget changing it. Those that know us understand our current situation is difficult with us both being unemployed.
   Recently, I had the unfortunate experience of having this creature in my house and it started spewing a stream of ridiculous Captain Obvious nonsense. It put pressure on what we've all known to be a high pressure situation and made it worse. I have never seen anybody in the history of job seeking work harder to find a job than my spouse.
    I was told "I want to help, but I need to see some effort from you." Forgetting the fact that I never asked for "Help" and haven't needed much in well over 20 years, what bothered me the most was the complete and total ignoring of all of our job hunting efforts. I can handle personal attacks on me, I have for years, but to attack my husband and insult his manhood in our home was astounding, to say the least. I am very sorry I didn't throw it out of my home right then and there.
   Part of the fault here is mine to be sure. I've been guilty of oversharing. I have never asked for money nor have I complained about our bills, except maybe the COBRA. Perhaps that was even too much. I stopped calling, why stick a fork in my eye?
    My husband , God bless him, has been a huge help. He reminded me that life is too short and I need to let the anger go. This is especially true when the person in question is as flexible as concrete and, more to the point, could care less how you feel. Why should I carry around a ball of anger in my stomach, is it doing me any good? The problem is the actual lettng go, part. Forgiveness is allegedly freeing but how to pull it off regardless of the ignorance of the offender is another matter. Putting it mildly, I'm open to suggestions on this one!
 

The mid life crisis continues

   Hangovers are God's way of saying you were a colossal idiot last night. What's ironic is that the older you get, the harder it is to recover. I feel it should be the other way around. Aren't you supposed to need the stiff kick in the pants when you're  younger? Fortunately, or unfortunately, I don't have a wealth of experience to draw on in this area. I mean with respect to drinking, the colossal idiot part, I've got down to a science.
   Recently, we went over to a friend's house because let's face it, it's always better to make an ass of yourself in front of other people rather than just the privacy of your own home.  Thank God for understanding friends. It also helps that according to accurumor, I can be funny as hell when I'm plastered. Luckily, nothing was broken, another bonus.
   The whole thing began innocently enough with a warped card game and six alleged grownups. We had some good pizza and adult beverages. I was actually fine for most of the evening until I made the mistake of attempting to have a drink with dessert. My spouse was the first one to figure out there was something wrong when I went to the bathroom. You could have written a novel in the time I took. It got even better when I had to ask for Lysol wipes and a bottle of cold water.
   One should drink responsibly. I got that part half right. I had the designated driver but I mixed. Henceforth referred to as "the Big Mistake".
   I got lucky in the sense that at least I didn't have to drive. The next day was about as much fun as a fork in the eye. My body let me know in no uncertain terms that I am way not as young as my brain thinks I am. The entire next day I was useless and eternally grateful we had no plans. The next day was Monday, and I didn't feel much better. It's a lucky thing my spouse was unemployed. I had to let him handle the majority of getting our girl to school that morning. Food was also not an option that day, either. If Gatorade is considered a meal, you're pretty sick.
    Is there some part of me that's trying to relive college days I never had? God knows age hasn't brought enough wisdom for my taste. If one were to ask why I drink in the first place, the answer is I'm the mom of a girl knee deep in puberty. Yeah, I'll probably be hung over again.

The Facebook blues

  We are knee deep in the back to school season as of this writing. It was a quieter Labor Day weekend than I would have liked. There was some excitement, if you could call it that. Our vacuum cleaners croaked before our bar b q and then our grill went on strike in the middle of cooking. The food we put in the oven peed all over the bottom and created quite a fog in my kitchen. Through the miracle of ventilation, we managed to not host the local fire department.
   I am a bit sad to see the end of the summer, despite stressing out about it. It occurs to me that it comes down again, for me to letting go. The biggest thing I worried about was keeping our daughter occupied. It was easier though, having my husband home. This is where the usual mommy guilt and my love hate relationship with social media comes in. I frequently look back on our Summer and ask myself 'How good was it?' for our girl.
   I admit I have a lot of bad habits and too much Facebook is one of them. When you look and see neighbor pictures that scream 'Look at all the fun we're having!', it's a bit hard not to feel jealous/depressed. I don't post pics of our girl for privacy reasons so having nothing to report is my choice. What I lose sight of is the fact that we have, in fact, done things. We spent our usual week at the beach, and as much as our girl complained about summer camp, there were some good field trips. There was also a family outing to a gamer con, which she enjoyed. We even managed to arrange a trip to Hershey Park with my nephew.
    Why do I even bother doing this crap to myself? Our kid is far from deprived and no one died and declared me the entertainment committee. I am, however, a game nerd, and the self appointed electronics gestapo. Therein lies my problem. I struggle with letting our girl entertain herself in ways that don't involve a screen. The complaints of 'Do I have to?' are endless. Perhaps earplugs would help. It's not like I've never heard the whining before. How do you toughen the armor and more importantly stay out of the drama vortex? It looks like I'm going to need all the help I can get.