Warning labels, please

  I've  noticed that there are plenty of books out there about parenthood. There's a whole series of what to expect books that warn people about what's coming their way. What I'm wondering about is what about being married, or even just living together? Did I miss that party? I'm a huge fan of self help books and at fifteen years in, I could still use a hand. It would have been nice to have some advanced warning before I took the plunge. There are plenty of books out there once you're knee deep or having clawed your way out but what about beforehand?
    I don't know if it would have made any difference for me personally but there are a few things I feel should be documented for when my daughter gets older. Being married gives you an immediate sneak peek at parenting. Those who have been with a grown man with a cold understand what I mean. One should also be on the lookout for signs of add or possibly "selective deafness".  Try to lose the word "should" from your vocabulary. I still struggle with this. Yes, men are obtuse creatures, yes, you do have to point out what "should" be obvious. Knowing this going in can help take the stress off.
   There is no guarantee that being aware of what you're dealing with makes it any less exhausting. You will also have to repeat yourself - a lot ( see selective deafness). Men, seemingly have a huge tolerance for dirt and chaos. It could be that we, as women. are finishing the job started by the moms of these once boys. In my case, I wonder what kind of, if any, job was done. I believe this is one of those compatibility items that got missed because we didn't live together before we married. This was frowned upon in my generation, but now I'm beginning to wonder if the "try before you buy" setup is really such a bad idea. I can only assume that's an individual preference thing.
   The best advice I ever received was from my mother, who, ironically, was unhappily married. She said, "What you see is what you get, and pretty much what you're going to get, for the rest of your life!"  It is true that people don't change much unless they want to, but they can be trained. Start with newspapers on the floor..... I'm kidding! What I really mean is that you need to get it clear in your head and heart what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. Herein lies the rub. There is a fine line between picking your battles and valuing yourself. I am finding as I get older that I can see what I need to let go of, but actually doing it is another matter.  The biggest question to answer, at least for me, is why is X so important? Is this helpful?
  If the answer is yes, it is very important to speak up, early and often!
 

Welcome to the aftermath - Again

  We had a record yard sale. Sometimes I think maybe we shouldn't bother anymore. The last couple of years have been good and the forced ritual of herding everything  that needs to leave in one place has been good for us. This past yard sale we also had a record amount of crap to get rid of, too. We finally had some friends join us with their items for sale, as well. It doesn't look like retirement is in our future. If anything I would be happy if we can get another set of friends to join us. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy our little group.
   Our garage sales are also literally in our garage and spill down our driveway. The downside is pulling both cars out and seeing them get coated with a lovely shade of yellow pollen. The upside is getting my garage cleaned out. Now that the sale is over, the work of putting together our donation for Purple Heart and putting away the tables and crap leftover begins. I also promised myself that once the yardsale was over I'll get to doing "X". We'll, it's over, so now I need to start working on those promises.
   I've often thought how can someone unemployed be so busy? I blame the house. The funny thing is, that while I consider our home to be reasonable, it is far from perfect. There is always something to clean that hasn't been touched in a long time. I don't remember dealing with this much when I had an apartment. Back then, however, I lived alone, too. More humans means more work. There is also the outside maintenance to deal with as well. Fortunately and unfortunately, we have a decent sized yard. Every spring it starts to look like Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom out there (for all you fellow dinosaurs) and I am the Marlon Perkins of the house.
  This year things are definitely taking a turn for the interesting since my "injured back" soap opera began. I am now on the glacial road to recovery and have to think about things I used to do without a second thought. Moving patio tables and lifting bags of mulch by myself is now verboten, according to my chiropractor.  God only knows how I'm going to manage to turn over my dirt for a tomato patch this year. I may have to do something crazy like ask for help! The really hard part will be trying to keep my trap shut when the "help" isn't doing it right!
   This may be either good or bad for us as a couple. My husband is expecting to be home for the summer this year. It could give me a good picture of what retirement wold look like. It will give us a good chance to catch up on some household projects around here. The prospect of working together sort of worries me. We will most likely have another yard sale in the fall. I may have a slightly used spouse for sale, cheap!
 

Gunk on the train tracks?

   We hit a rough patch on the homework trail recently. It was one of those nights when I had to sit next to our 9 year old almost the whole time while she did her homework. It was painful and lasted right up until bedtime. Our beautiful and brilliant Adhd girl needs an absolutely barren workspace to get anything done as well as frequent check ins from me in the next room. I will ask her how many problems are left, whether she's stuck on something, how she's making out, or anything else I can think of to remind her that she's supposed to be doing her homework.  
   This is not unusual, from what I've read. Some nights do go better than others. Our girl has had problems shifting from one activity to the next since she was small so I have to tell her we are attacking homework at 5:30, which we do every night. I also have to tell her how much time that is from where we are currently and give warnings as to when it's time to switch. Why not just kill off the homework immediately after school? I would love to be able to get our girl into that routine and we may yet manage that in the future. It's just that for someone forced to largely sit still and behave for almost seven hours with a short recess, I figure our squirrel needs a break. I am also going under the theory that if she's in a better frame of mind, the homework will take less time.
   This is assuming, she hasn't "forgot" her homework. Luckily, or unluckily?, I am the school bus so I try to double check her backpack in the parking lot before we leave. Someone once said "Trust, but verify." (Was it Reagan?) I'm not sure what we're going to do when we no longer have this luxury. The assignments themselves are online, but only some textbooks. I may have to consult with the teacher when the time comes. Leaving lunch leftovers, while gross, is not as big a deal since we do have a spare lunch bag. There is also the idea that sometimes she is going to have to take the consequences of forgetting in the hopes it will build some sense of responsibility, too.
   Some nights, it just all goes to hell and I have to resort to jelly beans. We had a particularly large amount of math to kill off and it contained the dreaded "write math". These are problems in which you are asked to explain something in a sentence or two. My daughter wastes more time ranting about how much she hates it than actually getting it done. I hear this is common. The only way I could figure out how to get us both through this was to fill a shot glass with jelly beans to "help her along", while I used a write on wipe off to help her compose an answer she could then copy. Words fail to describe how much I wanted to refill that shot glass when she was done but I digress.
   When you're knee deep in the struggle, it gets hard to remember the big picture.  Are the grades okay overall? Have recent tests been good? I've also noticed that at least in our case, things are way better now than they were at the beginning of the school year, and certainly from the  previous year. I am working on accepting that my daughter will never be free of ADHD, but I am still grateful that I believe our case is mild. Thankfully, the hellish nights are only occasional. So, dear reader, how goes the homework at your house?

Books, book, and more books

  It's  one of those days where I'm having trouble coming up with much to write about so here goes. Those that know me know that I have book issues. Having a daughter only made things worse by giving the addict a built in excuse to get more books. They may not know my name at the library book sales but I'm pretty sure I have some sort of name. There's that crazy lady who always overloads herself or something like that.  I am there twice a year whether we need them or not, mostly not. I have more books than any one person could possibly read, although that has yet to stop me.
  My daughter, mercifully, doesn't mind reading, especially about anything video game related, or Captain Underpants, but hey, it's still reading. Ironically, we've been frequently borrowing audio books from our library. I've been known to borrow the audio version of a title we already own just to help me thin the herd. Lately, I have been reading books to our daughter that are below her reading level and not her first choice just to get through them. Sometimes, we trip over a pretty good one and I feel better getting rid of something we've already read.
   This morning, to my horror, she asked me to get rid of a bible from her shelf! I was tempted to call an exorcist or find some holy water but instead I agreed to relocate it. This just goes to show you how religious we are. I reminded our daughter that we are actually supposed to read it but I guess since there aren't any Pokemon in any of the gospels that I remember, I was met with eye roll number 47.  She's done this to me before with other "good for you" books but having survived eight years of Catholic school, this one threw me  for a bit of a loop. It looks like I'll be keeping a close eye on that moral compass.
   I am assuming this point that she is looking to create more shelf space. I can't blame her since her room is basically a giant pile of books, stuffed animals, and a bed in there somewhere. More shelf space is definitely needed. Accountants are not the handiest of humans, but I have been known to improvise a few things to help with organization.  Books are a lot easier to deal with than the animals, however. Our daughter has a much tougher time parting with stuffed animals than books, of course.
   I'm sure if I look around, I can thin my own collection, too. It would behoove me to keep my collection limited to the classics like, Shakespeare, Camus, and Dave Barry. Ancient tax guides and textbooks should go if they haven't already. I've gone through the cookbooks so that doesn't leave much. Hopefully, by purging some nonbook items, I'll get more space to play with anyway.  I just hope I end up with a decent amount of space. I've invested in a few organizers that let me stack things but they only go up one level.
   On the upside, it's the only addiction I have that's non fattening.

Fighting the addiction part 112

Spring break hasn't exactly been a break for me. When you live with a video game addict, days off from school can be difficult. I understand that I am not responsible to keep her majesty entertained. The problem is that, left to her own devices, she would have her face in a screen all day. When it's too cold or miserable to be outside, I try to come up with other options. Even on playdates I'm finding that my daughter's friends are bringing their own devices! There is some small comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this. We have resorted to playing board games as a family in the evenings when my husband gets home from work. We are board game nerds from way back and I often wonder whose DNA this is. I also lucked out, at least briefly, in that the Easter Bunny brought someone a glitter slime kit. We are also still reading books, even if they are about video games, I don't care, it's still reading. It makes me sad to think of all the toys this kid has in our living room that are ignored because they are not video games. I have reminded our offspring during one of the millions of parental lectures that she has completely forgotten how to enjoy anything without a screen. It reminds me of a person with a closet full of clothes complaining there's nothing to wear! My husband and I have resorted to going to a small local business that sells used games and picked up a copy of a game that we, as a family can play. Her majesty must be dragged into it but I figure them's the breaks for now.

So far so good?

I should have known any new endeavor was going to have a few bumps in the road.  Things are going a bit slower than I had hoped and certainly less than perfect.  I am also find myself getting a bit sidetracked. This is ironic as hell since the whole point of this adventure was to improve my daughter's ability to focus! Personally, I blame the mouse. The result of the unauthorized party in my pantry was me cleaning the whole thing like a crime scene and also reorganizing everything into plastic boxes. It also got me looking at my other cabinets as potential havens and then they had to be cleaned out and reorganized, too. Hey, wait a minute, what about our daughter? Oh, right, the honey bun, I did make a teeny bit of progress with our video game addict.  I found these write on wipe off wall stickers. They are not the most attractive things but they don't damage the walls. Directly across and at eye level from where her majesty likes to sit and play on her computer I wrote the dreaded list. It says "Before technology, did you: get dressed, brush teeth and hair, do chores (hamper patrol, dishes in sink), eat breakfast, read for 30 minutes, and be outside for 30 minutes or Wii fit, dance, or board games.
Score one for mommy and Claire's therapist! She has adhered to this list so far twice with only moderate whining. We use this on Saturdays and days off from school. The real test is coming. Can we survive this new schedule for an entire week off for Spring break? I have a nice bottle of white waiting for me but I digress. We, as a family, have had all the willpower of last week's pancakes when it comes to this kind of stuff so naturally, any real change is going to be painful for all of us. The "No Pain No Gain" part only works when you attach enough importance to the "Gain" part to tip the scales. I'm already sitting on one side of the seesaw with my best friend, Anxiety.
Things have a way of working themselves out, God forbid I should remember that, despite the evidence. I am referring to a handwritten journal I'd been keeping in which 95 plus percent of the things I was freaking out over worked out fine. They say you can't believe everything you read, but what if you wrote it?

Promises, promises

  Well, here it is, six months into the new year and so far I've managed to write every day during the week, at least. It hasn't been easy coming up with ideas, weird since I live with a walking wealth of material. I am embarking on a research project for executive skills. I have a long way to go but I am making progress. We all could use some reminder about these "new habits" we are trying to acquire. Instead of those "Live, Love, Laugh" decals people put on their walls, I need ones that say "Are your dishes in the sink?" and "Have you hugged your spouse today?".
   One thing that my source of inspiration reminded me of was how much fun she is the morning. My little fourth grader is about as lovable as a cactus before school. This particular morning we were grousing about having to pick out clothes, among other injustices.  Since she was a toddler I have always tried to limit her choices to between two things in the morning but no, even that was too much for her majesty. Then I remembered the advice we received from her specialist, make life as organized as possible. I'm sure plenty of you are already doing this but it looks like it is now necessary to get our outfits picked out in advance.  As usual, we're just late to the party.
   I would love to have one of those California closet sort of bedrooms for all of us but sadly, that is way not my house. Our daughter's room is a small library with stuffed animals, a bed and dust. Her closet could best be described as "groovy" or maybe "totally tubular". Our house, like its owners, is a bit older than most. I am not able to put one of those hanging tiered shelves in the closet so it looks like I'll have to see if I can figure out a substitute. We also get to have to have to establish another new habit, yay! How many write on wipe off things can you put up before it starts to feel like we live in a memo pad?
   I dream, of course, of that mythical creature, "the clean room" like any other mom. Luckily, I can attach a profit motive to this dream. If I can convince her majesty that she can sell some of her old junk at our yard sale and make money, I have a shot at thinning the herd of crap, and dare I say it?, see a clean dresser surface? Yeah, I know, get your head out of the clouds! We dream big around here. It looks like more things will have to disappear by stealth. I'm waiting for things to start emitting distress signals and suddenly become fascinating to my girl. She seems to "know" when I'm thinking of selling some old toy.
   Generally, despite popular opinion, I try not to get rid of anything that is not mine without consent. I'm sure my spouse would make Sanford and Son look like a shaker family. It's always been up to me to bring up the subject of disposition with him. I'm guessing it's  because my family has had yard sales since I was a kid. Whatever we were done with was either sold or passed along to someone else. We also shopped at flea markets regularly. Economic sense has no stigma. I'm hoping I can set our daughter up with her own table, assuming she can sit in one spot that long. (See "dream big" sentence earlier.)
  What's the big deal about the yard sale? It certainly isn't the money, although that helps. It's the cheap excuse to see our friends and the aftermath. We plan breakfast that day, I end up getting my garage cleaned out, and everything we want to get rid of gets herded into one place. I look forward to having more space and hopefully, the less crap we have, the easier it will be to organize, right? While I'm  fantasizing, I may as well go the whole hog and think that maybe our girl will catch on to the concept of selling her old things to make money, making proper change, and if I get really crazy, the idea that working gets you money! I'll keep you posted on this dream, wish me luck.