Racking my brains

  Another day of sitting down trying to write and come up with something. I feel bad about not being able to come up with something, preferably funny. I also would like to be able to post for a humor blog I joined but I haven't been able to come up with anything I ideally like lately. I can't be the only one going through this. My husband has been unemployed for almost six months now and we have no income coming in. We are approaching that last one to get a job is a rotten egg point. This is really aggravating my mid life crisis. I really have to force myself to deal with this.
   I am trying to apply for a freelance resume writing job but the website I registered with doesn't work. I'm going to have to start from scratch and see if I can find something independent. Perhaps a new page on Linked In? I would also have to cope with my current contacts seeing the switch. The problem is, we've had nothing coming in for six months now, so we could use to fix that.
   A while ago, there was a failed experiment. A friend of mine got me a job with her boss. This was an administrative position. Regrettably, this person decided she didn't like/want me there. One of her friends/clients was probably upset that I was hired and not her daughter and decided to complain about me to this boss. I did nothing but attempt to make small talk in a friendly way about being new. This was manipulated against me and thus I lost the position. This, in no way, was the fault of my friend who got me the job initially. So why do I have such a hard time around my friend, who still works there?
   It could be a question of exposure. When someone has an allergy, you gradually increase the exposure to the "irritant" until they develop a tolerance. What if the "irritant" is actually you own ego?
God forbid I give myself some shred of credit here but there is something to be said for even attempting to figure things out. I am reminded of my ex and the last time we spoke. He was upset that he was single and wanted to settle down. Forgetting for a minute my brain screaming 'It sure as hell took you long enough!', it was me who tried to console him. I remember telling him how good it was that he was figuring things out now at 44, not 74. Regrettably, he passed away three days later (the coroner ruled the death accidental but some of us had our doubts). It's wierd to think of myself in a similar position.

   I need to insert a quick postscript here. Time passing has helped me get over my 'issues' surrounding this episode and I finally got off my ass and started Graduate school. I'm happy to say I managed to get my grown up status back. 

Taking chances

  I am watching and waiting to see what exactly we will be doing this summer. Parts of my state and the surrounding areas are opening slowly. Hopefully they will stay that way. Since we can't count on people being intelligent, however, it's hard to tell for sure. Governors are threatening to reclose things if people don't behave and I can't blame them. There are reports everywhere that a lot of people survive getting the corona virus but how much comfort is that when it's your ass that's sick?
  There are way too many unknowns for my comfort. We control freaks aren't exactly cool with that. I feel somewhat forced to take a chance on our usual summer rental this year only because giving up completely would be too sad to think about. A lousy day at the beach is better than a good day up here. I'm sure things are going to be very different this year. We are also going on a different week than we normally would. The plan is to expect the worst and hope for the best. I may have to settle for some solo walks along the beach in the evening. Who knows? I hope it ends up being worth it.
   Thankfully I managed to find a decent landlord who understands our dilemma. She's not sure how to proceed either. The only comfort I can seem to find is knowing I'm not alone in this. The game plan for this problem, at least, is to watch and wait. Summer camp looks like a nonstarter this year. We will be saving some money on the upside. (My alcohol expenses will definitely increase.) I may also spend some money at Staples to help me retain perspective. I wonder how much it will cost to have a giant poster or three made? Mine would say stuff like 'This beats the ICU!' and 'Prisons don't permit wine!'
   Trying not to think too far ahead has never been easy for me. Mostly I dread my daughter getting way too much screen time and living like a little vampire. She's not a big fan of the outdoors. This is my dna, I admit. It took me forever to see the value of getting outdoors myself. I just wish she would learn my lessons earlier, but I guess that's every parent.
  I will work on coming up with ideas to drag my kid away from her screens as much as I can manage. Since we won't be spending money on a summer camp, maybe I can splurge on a pool? I'm open to home based activities, dear reader.
  In the meantime, release the red shirts! I'll wait.

The New #$&%×÷ 'Normal' ?

   It's Monday the 48th of Blurapmaj, although my calendar is calling it May 4. We are neither back to school or the office and it's still not looking good for either one anytime soon. I am moving at a glacier's pace toward starting back to school for a graduate degree. I expect a lot of class time for me will be spent online and I'm good with that. Pandemics can be both good and bad when you're a bit of an introvert.
    The good part for me, besides saving gas, will be feeling safe. Staying home lets me avoid both crime and a virus. There's also the added bonus that even when this 'pandemic nightmare' is over I will be in no hurry to get out. Why the hell not?!  You may ask? Everyone else is!  Simply for that very reason, I will be happy to continue to stay home. This country reopening will be like Christmas on steroids. Despite lawmakers best efforts to 'protect the red shirts', you can bet that everywhere you go will be mobbed. I hate my fellow man, no thanks, I'll pass.
    I will have to go out and in some instances, I'll want to. My gyms will eventually reopen and I don't think there'll be any Post pandemic resolutions to worry about. The other issue I have to figure out is Summer. Our little screen addict may not have a Summer camp this year, for obvious reasons. This, of course, leaves someone I know with too much free time. Nevermind the fact that she owns two loaded toy shelves of games and crafts. This kid has gone completely blind to anything not a video game. This not only frustrates the crap out of mommy but also puts me in a bit of a bind.
    'Since when am I the entertainment committee? Find something to play with!' 'Will you get off your screens already?!' Therein lies the problem when you have an only child. The only in house babysitters are electronic! It's also hard to play a board game when you have no one else to play with. In a way, mom does end up being the entertainment committee, for at least part of the day. It's going to take a lot of planning to survive this summer. I see a few day trips in our future. The alcohol goes without saying.

We who are not in the mood for this, salute you!

   Mondays have always been a pain, unless I'm on vacation. Those close to me may also recall that I have a long history of depression. I won't get into the gory details but suffice it to say that I need to be on the lookout for triggers and plan for them. These days it's been a much bigger fight than usual. I am once again, along with a huge swath of America, unemployed. Add miserable weather, a quarantine, and my spouse and child being fully occupied and you've got a recipe for some sour brain stew. It's not that I have nothing to do per se. It's feeling like what I'm doing is valuable.
   I am running into a bonus wrinkle at the moment. What "nonvaluable" things I do every day still have to get done whether I feel good or not. That's irony for you. The older I get, the harder it gets to fight my way through illness. My brain has yet to acknowledge this. Slowly I am being forced to learn to take it easy on myself.  It's a "lucky" thing for me to be unemployed on days like this but I also don't get a paid sick day, either.
   I've become an eat your frog first kind of person these days. A friend reminded me to focus on the aftermath. It always feels good to get anything I'm not fond of in the rearview. Hopefully that may help me with the whole getting started issue. Small steps are also still steps. I think I need to get that tattooed somewhere. It would also be great to plan small rewards that don't involve food. It's funny to think how much I have in common with my daughter! 'Mommy I don't want to!' seems to have no age limit. It would also help to ignore the whole monotony of chores that never seem to 'stay done', too.
   Mommy could also use to taker her own advice and eat the never ending elephant one bite at a time. Once again, I let myself get sucked into my own personal vortex. Lists come in handy for a few reasons. Killing off anything written down gives me a feeling of accomplishment, even if it's small. Plus it also takes care of the 'I'll remember to do that' delusion. Looking too far ahead is a real problem for me, so even my lists have to be done carefully. I have a tendency to write down things like 'get a Master's degree' as opposed to 'how about we contact Rutgers?'.
    The sooner I start whatever hemorrhoid of the day, the sooner I get rid of it. Have a good one, whatever you're doing!

The Urge to Strangle

   My spouse and I had already reached the 'Jesus-Christ-it's-you-again' part of our marriage before this whole pandemic nightmare began. How do you cope when you're 'trapped' in the house together? There have been plenty of jokes about how there will be a lot of babies and a lot of divorces when this is over. We are too old for either. The thought of all that bleach and a big back yard can get tempting when the farm animals you live with still refuse to clean up after themselves. Like they have something else better to do?!
    Our house is a two story 40 year old colonial. The bedrooms are a bit small and it's all I can keep up with despite wishing it was a little bigger. Things would have been even more crowded with crap around here if it weren't for our annual yard sales followed by Purple Heart donations. This year has so far been the exception. I'm convinced those yard sales (and the influence of my ex, a car dealer) are what enable us to actually use our garage for our vehicles. We are hiding a multitude of sins in the basement. I'm also struggling to figure out if the walls are too thin or we've all been home too long. I'm guessing the answer here is yes.
   We all have our foibles. I think there's something about too much togetherness and almost twenty years of marriage that can magnify them. This results in not enough wine. I understand why people day drink. It's not like we're driving anywhere. I'm fighting to save my empty calories until Friday. What if it's Monday at 11am? This goes past the messiness, too. My brain is incredibly busy even when I'm not. 'Jesus Christ, will you stop chewing so fucking loud?!?!' 'Must you clear your throat every 40 goddamn seconds?!' If I'm going to stay sober, I'll need earplugs.
   Since I've been feeling as approachable as a cactus, I decided to take all this sunshine into the basement. I think I should have gone to the far back corner of said basement. My cheap headphones didn't help much either. I have a subscription to a meditation app that is helpful but still takes work for me. It's funny to think of having to work at relaxing but there you have it. The noise seeping through doesn't help but when you really need to relax and you don't have any herbs available might I suggest fighting noise with noise? I recommend the song "I've Seen All Good People" from The Yes Album. So, dear reader, what do you do to stay out of prison?

Spring is Springing Like it or not!

   I am in the semi not category. Spring cheers a lot of people. I can understand why. The weather is finally improving and there's a feeling that better days are coming. We can all use some of that these days, this year more than most. What I dread about the whole thing is the yard work and the bugs. I'm hoping I won't have much time for that once this pandemic nightmare is over. On the other hand, given how much I can't stand my fellow man, I may end up staying home again to avoid all the other yahoos who feel the desperate need to get out.
   Allergies are also in full bloom. If you aren't personally afflicted, you still get the shared joy from those who are. My yard sale has been cancelled or rather postponed indefinitely due the virus, too. I was looking forward to the cash and the clearance. The uncertainty of it all is definitely bugging me. I don't know how to handle things like summer camp and religious education. Now is the time people sign up but I'm in no hurry to send any nonrefundable deposits for things that may not happen. I can't say I've ever had a whole lot of faith in humanity, certainly not when money is involved.
   We managed to pull off a reasonable Easter, albeit the wierdest one I've ever seen. Mother's Day will most likely be underwhelming given the fact that no one is going out shopping except Mom, and that's for food. My spouse is a big proponent of shopping every other week now. Things are getting mighty grim when going to the grocery store is a big to do. It's also a game of I-wonder-what-they're-out-of-this-time, further adding to the stress. The shopping experience has turned surreal.
  I never understood how hard it is to fight off panic until I saw empty shelves in person at my local supermarket. The shelves are staying empty in our case, too. My family has gotten so used to mom being home that I don't think it occurs to them that "managing the family inventory" is actually a job now. They just seem to go get something out of the fridge or pantry with no thought to how it got there! I would also like to point out that I am not a food dispenser, I am actually a CPA, and a writer.
   I refuse to think too far ahead. It's already a struggle against depression, let's not make it worse. If I were to think far into the future, it will be to plan a thank God this is over party!

Quit shouldding on yourself Part 112

   We are knee/thigh deep in the corona virus pandemic at this writing. I have Not taught my daughter how to cook or sew, started my garden, or even written a novel. We still struggle with too much screen time and so far I've managed to not live in my pajamas every day. My girl has kept up with her homework and flute practice. When it's been decent outside, I've managed to drag my family around the block a few times. I did manage to complete an online course or two to maintain my CPA certificate, albeit barely. I did get our tax returns done as well.
   This hasn't stopped time from flying for some bizarre reason. One would have thought without anywhere to go and not much to do, time would drag on but no such luck. The house is still messy, too. My dining room has been eaten by Mom's tax returns and my daughter's school work, or at least the table has. The living room is littered with couch blankets, pillows, and snack remnants, as usual. This doesn't feel any different from life without a pandemic in the way. I can't say I'm bored. My midlife crisis is a lot more obvious without the facade of my prepandemic routines to obfuscate the view. That is depressing. 
   I have managed to finally reach out to a college and leave a message about going back. Regrettably, this whole quarantine nightmare has been giving me more time to peek in on social media. This is not good because I'm entering a world of a lot of other people with too much free time. These folks are not shy about bragging. Oy.
   Here's the bonus wierd thing. I haven't been sleeping more than usual. I set my alarm to get up during the week so I can get my daughter up to start her schoolwork. The upside to elearning is the lack of being late for a change. I also kind of enjoy not having somewhere to rush off to. This is going to be one huge adjustment when things do finally open up again. I'm pretty sure our punctuality will not have improved. Can I brag about the stuff we haven't done?