Homework, at my a

   I'm sure I've skirted around this topic forever if I really think about it. It takes a huge smack in the face for me to finally pay attention, as usual. Motherhood has been the only thing that I can definitively say has not been a waste of my time. The issue is feeling like a nonvaluable member of my family despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Did I mention feelings have nothing to do with being rational? It's like the tax code but that's a rant for another day. I've given it some thought and it seems that everything I associate with my value seems to involve me getting paid. How can I change this mindset without a lobotomy, you ask? Beats me.

  There was a study once that measured what a person would make per year doing the full time mom job. It was around 120k back then! Who knows what it would come to now. It's funny that I borrowed a movie from the library about an architect who stopped designing buildings for 20 years and was starting to go nuts. Her friend tells her that her problems, while amusing, could be solved by getting her ass back to work creating. So am I an artist now? I don't feel like one. I do, however, feel like it's time to get my ass in gear and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

   This feeling has been going on for years. I am finally taking action to get myself out of my career rut. Where is the credit? I haven't slacked off in my Wilma Flintstone duties, which I admit were a pretty comfy thing to hide behind. I wonder how I managed to finally pull myself out of my turtle shell before this pandemic nightmare and stay out after it hit. Would a jury in the world have convicted if I decided to stay home longer due to a pandemic? Some would have said no, except my own mother. My mother would have - and has repeatedly- said you need to get a job. Credit doesn't run in the family.

     I grew up in a climate of inadequacy. The house wasn't clean enough, there wasn't enough money, and there was always something wrong with me, too. Everything, and everyone could always be better. The problem with this was it never allowed me to like myself. I'm trying like hell to avoid this with my own kid. It would help in this effort if I could learn to accept myself as an adult. That's still a tall order. How do you separate wanting to improve versus liking yourself as you are? It may come down to my old nemesis, patience. I have, and continue to make progress, even if it feels like a glacial pace.

The big block

    I'm here, attempting to write something because I know tomorrow is going to be nuts and I may not get a chance. The problem is I'm hopping like a frog on a hot stove and I find myself frequently sidetracked. You would think I'd be a little better able to keep up since I haven't been able to sleep in like I did over the Summer. I may have overbooked myself this time. Doing two classes when you haven't been in college in over 30 years is a lot to pull off. I'm still getting my legs under me. That is more of a process than I have patience for. It's the technology that's been the worst part so far. 

  I am slowly getting there, I just wish it wasn't so painful - and slow! I had to post a two minute video for a class the other day. It took me an hour and a half. I was ready to turn my new pc into a dammit doll. I have to acquire a habit of completing a covid 19 screening for my daughter online for every morning she goes into school. You get to learn all about new and different computer errors when you do this. So far, I've only had to sprint back to the house to do this once while she was on the bus. She's also forgotten her mask once too. We are lucky to live close to the bus stop. 

   It's also a bit odd that since I've finally committed myself and started school, I thought I would feel "employed" or "legitimately busy" in a sense. This still hasn't happened because I am not making any money. School needs to come first and I still can't seem to get off my own back. Did I mention a lack of patience? There is some bonus guilt over not substitute teaching yet, too. Must everything be tied to money? I get it that my kiddo doesn't need me as much as she used to but she still needs me some. I don't regret motherhood for a minute, but the pay sucks.

   It would behoove me to let a few things go in the whirl of all this busyness. I could use to let my kid fall flat on her face once in a while, for one thing. Valuing my own efforts would be another. I can't wait around for a cheering section to pop up, so I need to be my own. You go, me, yeah! Life goes on when I can't pull everything off in one day. Somehow we're all still alive. Not every job will involve money. The most important stuff doesn't, after all. What will people remember when they close the lid? I'm pretty sure it won't be my bank balance and I certainly won't be wishing I'd spent more time working. Let it go, mommy, you won't be able to hang onto it anyway!

The great unknown

   Here we go again, but not! I've just completed substitute teacher training for my local district. This is nothing like what I did last year before the pandemic hit. The classrooms are going hybrid this year. I could conceivably have the live captive audience I'm used to but also a gaggle of homebound ducklings learning remotely. The technology involved is a bit overwhelming. I was never trained when I began so even turning on the computer and smartboard was an occasional problem. I had no logins of my own and didn't know where anything was. I still don't know how to find morning announcements after being there a year! 

  The general attitude seemed to be don't worry, the kids will help you. I was less than thrilled with this since I wanted to feel like I had some shred of control. It was already obvious I was nervous as a newbie. The lack of training just increased the stress. I also found out from other subs that this was pretty much par for the course. High turnover is probably why it was so easy to get the job in the first place. The carrots were the hours, the location, and the flexibility to choose which days I worked. This year those are the only things that haven't changed, as far as I know. 

   I have now just read online that the kids at my preferred school will only be there for four hours a day in person. That may be helpful on one level but it doesn't take care of the biggest concern I have. My problem is the technology involved. The district's idea of training is not enough for some newbie dinosaurs. That which is supposed to make my life easier scares the hell out of me. Talk about fear of the unknown! There is a theory that goes just rip off the bandaid and jump in. I understand that up to a point but I have this crazy idea that I want to feel like I know what I'm doing.

   The same feeling has been pervading my graduate school pursuits. The University seems to require a lot of software and passwords that have been too much fun for humans for me to get working. The difference that I've observed so far, is that the University is helpful in getting one's ducks in a row. It helps to be surrounded by twenty somethings. Feeling like I know what I'm doing is going to have to remain a goal for the forseeable future. It's actually wierd, now that I think about it, just how pervasive that feeling is in my life. Since I'm forced to function as a grownup I guess I've not allowed myself the luxury of giving it much thought.  

  Welcome to a whole new world of learning. My advice to you, Flounder, is to start drinking heavily! 

    

   

The never ending quest

   Fall is almost here. I wish I could scrape up some enthusiasm. I am not ready to let go of Summer because I feel like I need more time to make up the fun we would have normally had. We managed, under the circumstances, but mommy guilt is blind to the plight of mere mortals. I do actually love the Fall. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Last year, it felt like Fall was 10 minutes long because the Summer weather continued well past September. Maybe I just need another month tacked onto my year.

   That doesn't make sense, either though. Most of us can't wait for 2020 to be over, and with good reason. We could all use a vaccine, some new jobs and a new President. This whole year has been like an obnoxious inlaw that won't leave. More fun still awaits, like when you think your diarrhea is subsiding. Halloween is in danger. I blame the grownups for this one. If you can go to the liquor store for homeschooling supplies, you can put on a mask and give out some cheap candy. 

   The pandemic is also threatening Thanksgiving and Christmas. I finally got a holiday to host for my family. I have two successful Turkey days under my belt. This year, however, I'm up to my armpits in high risk relatives who, understandably, may not want to come over, even for a free Turkey dinner. It frustrates me but I have to take what I can get. My core group of usual suspects are still willing to hang, so there's that.

   We do, however,  have one party pooper who is not even willing to go the polyanna route for grown ups. This was to cut down on people's shopping during a pandemic. I think this was the opportunity she's been looking for, personally. This particular person, while generally nice, was never what I would call festive. The little kid in me loves presents. I also enjoy finding them for people and wrapping them. It's not so much that I demand someone spend pantloads on yours truly, it's just that I have always loved having stuff to unwrap, however small and stupid. 

  I'm giving up, or trying to give up on getting any sense of control. While I'm at it, I should probably plan for technological screw ups and just pray they won't be epic. It appears that I'll have a better shot at getting out and trying to enjoy what I can, while it's here. Who's up for a pumpkin spice latte on the beach?

Not sick, but Sick and Tired

    It's week 147 the 49th of Blurjaugs and I'm working on, of all things, a "positive attitude"! Neither myself nor any of my family have gotten sick and while that is truly something to be grateful for, life is getting a bit tough in my suburban bubble. I am currently unemployed and grad school hasn't started yet, although it will soon. My daily "routine" depends on whether I need to do any major cleaning or shopping and my martial arts classes.  

   I'm lucky we have good friends. It's been a great help to see people here and there and play cards and chat. It's especially important to hear from other people that I am not alone. We are all worried and stuck not knowing what to do about school for the kids this year. You can really lose sight of that in quarantine! I am working on registering for a graduate school class for this fall. I have been having an enormous amount of trouble doing it.  Taking a step back and realizing that other people I deal with are busy and don't care that I have nothing else to worry about right now also helps. 

   When I finally was able to register for the class I needed, the relief was almost physical. I guess it was the idea of regaining some shred of control that did it. Making the most of good news, however small, is important for helping me to maintain morale during this current s@÷tshow but also in general. Yes, I'm looking for a permanent change! That's it! She's clearly lost it! 

   This Summer has brought a lot of unwelcome changes so whatever relief I can get, I'll take. We have been forced to do day trips at the beach this year instead of our usual one week stay. The three times we went have been very good. No one got badly sunburnt, either. I'm hopeful we can fit one more in before school starts but if that doesn't work out, it's a comfort to know we still got there at all. Those trips have also provided some huge amounts of stress relief. I physically feel better afterward. My daughter having fun and being near the ocean are the two biggest reasons it helps me so much. 

   I am not ready for this Summer to be over. This is incredibly wierd since it's been such a let down. My guess is I am looking for more chances to make up the fun we're missing. Substitute teaching does scare me this year, as it will a lot of people, I'm sure. I hope I haven't set myself up for more than I can handle this fall. I plan to hang onto the fact that nothing I'm getting myself into can't be gotten out of. It's the lack of a paying job for me that's annoying. This pandemic can become a comfortable excuse though, too. It certainly caters to any fear of leaving the house.

   There are ways to escape from covid stress, if I could just remember to use them! I've been seeing a lot of recordings of beaches online. That might be helpful to watch occasionally besides meditation, which I have yet to master. Exercise is not an issue for me, personally. I get plenty of that, although most of it is indoors. The martial arts piece of things is actually something of an escape in that it demands all of your attention to remember the moves in a form. It's hard to worry simultaneously! I'm grateful to not be the sort of person who eats too much under stress. Otherwise, I'd be huge by now.

   I found a very good at home workout program to follow. It only takes about 20 minutes a day to complete a session with "workout barbie" as I call her. Really she's probably a perfectly ok person but I believe I own shoes her age somewhere. I live for the built in breaks of 15 seconds in each exercise. Not all of her videos have them. It's called madfit on YouTube. (You're welcome for the free plug, whoever you are.) They also don't need weights, which is very helpful. I miss my old classes with my old teacher but they had stopped before this pandemic nightmare anyway.

   My husband has even tried a few of the videos although he prefers the beginners programs. The videos I follow are a bit intense. That doesn't bug me because I adjust my intensity to what I can do. I won't deny I am jealous of her bounciness, but such is life. I am just grateful that he's willing to finally do something. I've been harassing him to get in shape for years and I've gotten nothing but excuses. It's great that so far, at least, he's been trying. Old habits die hard. It's incredibly easy for me to get negative. Talk about turning over a new leaf. 

   

The salvage effort so far

  I would guess that in some respects, this is the first time in my life that I am somewhat grateful for the whole 'tempus fugit' thing. I must say this comes as a surprise.  We aren't doing as well as I had hoped around here with respect to screen time, among other things. It's been a struggle to get people outside for some modicum of exercise. We are approaching the fourth of July, as of this writing, and so far there is no pool. I might also point that I am still refusing to give up on that. Businesses are slowly opening up around here but surrounding areas are reporting spikes in the virus that shut everything down in the first place.
   My spouse and offspring aren't exactly eager to join the redshirts, as we say at our house. Anyone on Star Trek wearing a red shirt was always shot or eaten in that episode, for all you non nerds out there. Our usual beach vacation won't be happening this year because our landlord has decided not to rent this Summer. I can't blame the woman for erring on the side of caution and the new requirements are onerous. My husband's brother owns a beach house and he doesn't want any company. I can't tell anyone else what to do with their property but the situation leaves me feeling stuck.
   We now have a family vacation with no place to go. Putting it mildly, this is wierd. Captain Fix It All feels compelled to pull a miracle out of her a** and come up with fabulously entertaining ways to fill these days. Who died and declared me the entertainment committee?! Talk about shouldding on yourself!! Is Daddy guilt a thing? So far, I haven't seen much evidence, or maybe I don't know to look.
    Once again, taking the pressure off myself seems to be right up there with leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Don't ask me how I keep losing sight of the fact that we're in a global pandemic and I'm up to the eyeballs in things I can't control. I'm skilled that way. We know a perfectly healthy person who spent weeks in the hospital and almost died. His recovery is taking months, nevermind the hospital bills. This is nothing to screw with. Better safe than sorry gets hard in patches and perspective is a frequent casualty. How are you managing at your house?

Yet another turn at the Rubiks cube

   We are at the beginning of our first ever pandemic Summer. Stay at home orders have been lifted but there's nowhere to go. We are home with an 11 year old who has lost the ability to entertain herself without video games. Somehow I was supposed to see this coming and have magically made plans to keep her busy this Summer. My frustration is exacerbated by the worst of humanity. I am trying to find a pool for our daughter.
   This is something I probably should have seen coming. I've dealt with book dealers and that should have taught me that people are greedy scum and will gouge others as much as possible. When you add a pandemic, manufacturing shutdowns and rampant unemployment you get a recipe for disaster, indeed. I seem to be the one in my family who is taking this the hardest. My guess is because I'm the only one who believes in a limit on the screen time for our adhd honeybun.
   I am one stubborn creature, just ask my family. My spare time is spent prowling g the internet on any and every site I can think of to keep searching. It's odd how in the midst of an alleged "shortage", there are still enough listings for pools. Why not just break down and buy one? Principal, mostly, quickly followed by low cash flow are my top reasons. We actually once owned a large aluminum pool. It became too expensive to fix after a bad storm one summer and we weren't using it enough at the time. My daughter's friend had the same issue.
     This pandemic also includes a heaping helping of Mommy guilt. Don't ask me who died and declared me in charge of the entertainment for my daughter. The problem is that I can't ignore the excessive screen time. I also feel guilty about our girl feeling lonely. The screen is regrettably, her main means of keeping in touch with her friends. How do you find a good balance? I don't have a whole lot of support on this front, either. Electronics are easy babysitters and I live with huge fans of "easy". What's a mom to do?
   I'm considering some good advice I received from a therapist. The short answer seems to be to get obnoxious and then back off. Getting obnoxious comes naturally to me, ask anyone. It's the second part I have a problem with. You're asking a stressed out control freak to relax. I'll get right on that, just let me get to my phone booth and put on my cape. The gist of the plan is to hand our little tech addict a list of breaks that must be completed during the day. The items include horrendous things like fresh air and sunshine and God forbid, flute practice! Wish me luck on this, it won't be easy staying sober.