Things are getting way too serious

    Happy Fall! I've been letting too many things I can't control get me down. I forgot about how much stress the news can cause. It's an election year this year. The relentless advertising is making football look good. That's how I know it's time to turn off the television, or at least put on Mel Brooks. I was in a full on panic earlier today because I thought I accidentally recycled our ballots this year. I didn't realize my state isn't permitting voting in person this time because of the pandemic. I tore up the house and our recycling bag.

   Thankfully, the ballots landed in a pile of bills, which we never recycle.  That was something to be grateful for until the next stressor. I realized that I somehow missed a tax class! I emailed the instructor and impatiently waited for a response. I was more frustrated by wanting to go over the material they would have covered than anything. It also bothered me that I couldn't really remember what the hell I did that day instead. Was I not home? Why didn't I remember? I'm also further bummed out by our recent foray into a different local pumpkin patch that turned out to be underwhelming.  

   Here's where Bob Marley comes in handy. Remember his song 'Don't worry'? I really need that ear worm! It turns out I finally got a response from my instructor. She sent me a video to watch which was actually helpful. My writing professor has been great, too. I'm a bit stuck on my current homework from her but help is available. If I screw this up horribly, I won't be put in a cage with a bear. It's easy as hell for me to get sucked into my own personal vortex. I forget how wrong I am when it comes to predictions. Bob, get me out of this.

   The problem could be exacerbated by the pandemic blues. Our Anniversary is in October and this year we can't really celebrate the way we would like. Movies are out and restaurants are either takeout only or eat outside. I've also been swamped with homework and it's made shopping and keeping the house clean difficult. The tax class has been a huge pain in the ass. It's eating way more time than I would like. I would love to go away somewhere for a few days but that's most likely not going to happen. I feel like I could use a vacation from being a grownup.  

   

Happy Fall?

     We are approaching mid October and it appears we are actually having a fall this year. There may actually be an upside to this pandemic. Halloween hasn't been officially cancelled or significantly messed with, as far as I can tell. I'm expecting a lot of things to be cancelled, like school functions and company parties. This is a bummer to some degree but I'm also hopeful that it will give us a little more time to relax and enjoy. That remains to be seen but so far so good. 

   Predictably, we are experiencing a "second wave" of germs so I'm not expecting things to open up anytime soon. We are also experiencing an intensifying wave of political ads. The ads are making football look good, which, for me, is a new low. What's not new are the choices. In most of my adult life I don't remember ever actualy voting for someone so much as against the other guy, whoever it was. Another election is another turn at holding my nose in the voting booth and picking who stinks less. 

   I have noticed that President Obama at least had the decency to project an image of someone who believed he was doing the right thing. I get the same impression from the current year's Democratic candidate although I'm not thriled with him either. I watched two debates so far. That's about four hours of my life I'll never get back. We are all biased to some degree.  The Presidential debate was an absolute s**tshow but left me with a clear impression that the incumbent lost. The VP debate was more of what you want to see when two "alleged" grown ups present their views.

   I was again left a clear impression of a winner here. The incumbent VP behaved a bit too much like his boss. What gave me a lot of satisfaction was the way his opponent handled herself. This woman refused to be interrupted and demanded equal time to speak when her blabbermouth companion ran over. If you hated her guts you still had to admire that, in my opinion. Outside of her being an attorney and a senator, I can't say I know much about her.

    It's not easy or fun to deal with piles of political bologna every time you turn on the television. I never was a fan of Hillary Clinton but you could say I've been a not that Orange Creature since 2016. When you've made up your mind early, the debates just become confirmation of what you believe, don't they? The ads and social media are just flies buzzing around the piles. I understand why college kids love cartoons and you tube so much. I just want to vote for Bugs Bunny. 

My soup brain

    Welcome to another beautiful day in the neighborhood. I'm sitting here racking my brain again to come up with a good topic for this post. I'm striking out so far. I try to avoid politics in my writing like the plague. I have a lot of friends on the opposite end of the opinion poll from me. I prefer not to alienate those people. Friends come in handy, after all. The problem is though, I'm currently undercaffeinated and bereft of ideas so here goes. 

    Last night, as of this writing, we watched a Presidential debate. It wasn't really a debate so much as a televised train wreck. My daughter, spouse and I watched 2 alleged grown ups interrupt each other and argue for an hour and a half. My daughter's Social Studies teacher asked the kids to watch at least some of the debate. I thoght this was a great idea for a handy civics lesson. When I asked my daughter about her class the next day, the biggest thing the kids seemed to have gotten out of the whole thing was that 'Trump looked orange!'. Sigh.

   I tried to explain to her, later, what a debate was supposed to look like. She asked me 'Why doesn't Obama run again? He was good.' I had to smile at that one. We were never huge fans but we did think he was tolerable. I told her he was wiped out from doing the job and probably didn't want it again. She was also quite young when he was elected.

   I can't help but find it embarrassing when grown ups, and especially ones in leadership positions, act like obnoxious middle schoolers. It's no wonder the kids didn't get much out of the "debate", they must have felt like they were watching two classmates. I'm also between a rock and a hard place here because we are in the minority, of our circle of friends, in our dislike of Trump. I suppose, in a way, this is a good opportunity for me to show our girl that you can agree to disagree with people and remain friends. We've been doing that for quite a while, actually.

   

Homework, at my a

   I'm sure I've skirted around this topic forever if I really think about it. It takes a huge smack in the face for me to finally pay attention, as usual. Motherhood has been the only thing that I can definitively say has not been a waste of my time. The issue is feeling like a nonvaluable member of my family despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Did I mention feelings have nothing to do with being rational? It's like the tax code but that's a rant for another day. I've given it some thought and it seems that everything I associate with my value seems to involve me getting paid. How can I change this mindset without a lobotomy, you ask? Beats me.

  There was a study once that measured what a person would make per year doing the full time mom job. It was around 120k back then! Who knows what it would come to now. It's funny that I borrowed a movie from the library about an architect who stopped designing buildings for 20 years and was starting to go nuts. Her friend tells her that her problems, while amusing, could be solved by getting her ass back to work creating. So am I an artist now? I don't feel like one. I do, however, feel like it's time to get my ass in gear and figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

   This feeling has been going on for years. I am finally taking action to get myself out of my career rut. Where is the credit? I haven't slacked off in my Wilma Flintstone duties, which I admit were a pretty comfy thing to hide behind. I wonder how I managed to finally pull myself out of my turtle shell before this pandemic nightmare and stay out after it hit. Would a jury in the world have convicted if I decided to stay home longer due to a pandemic? Some would have said no, except my own mother. My mother would have - and has repeatedly- said you need to get a job. Credit doesn't run in the family.

     I grew up in a climate of inadequacy. The house wasn't clean enough, there wasn't enough money, and there was always something wrong with me, too. Everything, and everyone could always be better. The problem with this was it never allowed me to like myself. I'm trying like hell to avoid this with my own kid. It would help in this effort if I could learn to accept myself as an adult. That's still a tall order. How do you separate wanting to improve versus liking yourself as you are? It may come down to my old nemesis, patience. I have, and continue to make progress, even if it feels like a glacial pace.

The big block

    I'm here, attempting to write something because I know tomorrow is going to be nuts and I may not get a chance. The problem is I'm hopping like a frog on a hot stove and I find myself frequently sidetracked. You would think I'd be a little better able to keep up since I haven't been able to sleep in like I did over the Summer. I may have overbooked myself this time. Doing two classes when you haven't been in college in over 30 years is a lot to pull off. I'm still getting my legs under me. That is more of a process than I have patience for. It's the technology that's been the worst part so far. 

  I am slowly getting there, I just wish it wasn't so painful - and slow! I had to post a two minute video for a class the other day. It took me an hour and a half. I was ready to turn my new pc into a dammit doll. I have to acquire a habit of completing a covid 19 screening for my daughter online for every morning she goes into school. You get to learn all about new and different computer errors when you do this. So far, I've only had to sprint back to the house to do this once while she was on the bus. She's also forgotten her mask once too. We are lucky to live close to the bus stop. 

   It's also a bit odd that since I've finally committed myself and started school, I thought I would feel "employed" or "legitimately busy" in a sense. This still hasn't happened because I am not making any money. School needs to come first and I still can't seem to get off my own back. Did I mention a lack of patience? There is some bonus guilt over not substitute teaching yet, too. Must everything be tied to money? I get it that my kiddo doesn't need me as much as she used to but she still needs me some. I don't regret motherhood for a minute, but the pay sucks.

   It would behoove me to let a few things go in the whirl of all this busyness. I could use to let my kid fall flat on her face once in a while, for one thing. Valuing my own efforts would be another. I can't wait around for a cheering section to pop up, so I need to be my own. You go, me, yeah! Life goes on when I can't pull everything off in one day. Somehow we're all still alive. Not every job will involve money. The most important stuff doesn't, after all. What will people remember when they close the lid? I'm pretty sure it won't be my bank balance and I certainly won't be wishing I'd spent more time working. Let it go, mommy, you won't be able to hang onto it anyway!

The great unknown

   Here we go again, but not! I've just completed substitute teacher training for my local district. This is nothing like what I did last year before the pandemic hit. The classrooms are going hybrid this year. I could conceivably have the live captive audience I'm used to but also a gaggle of homebound ducklings learning remotely. The technology involved is a bit overwhelming. I was never trained when I began so even turning on the computer and smartboard was an occasional problem. I had no logins of my own and didn't know where anything was. I still don't know how to find morning announcements after being there a year! 

  The general attitude seemed to be don't worry, the kids will help you. I was less than thrilled with this since I wanted to feel like I had some shred of control. It was already obvious I was nervous as a newbie. The lack of training just increased the stress. I also found out from other subs that this was pretty much par for the course. High turnover is probably why it was so easy to get the job in the first place. The carrots were the hours, the location, and the flexibility to choose which days I worked. This year those are the only things that haven't changed, as far as I know. 

   I have now just read online that the kids at my preferred school will only be there for four hours a day in person. That may be helpful on one level but it doesn't take care of the biggest concern I have. My problem is the technology involved. The district's idea of training is not enough for some newbie dinosaurs. That which is supposed to make my life easier scares the hell out of me. Talk about fear of the unknown! There is a theory that goes just rip off the bandaid and jump in. I understand that up to a point but I have this crazy idea that I want to feel like I know what I'm doing.

   The same feeling has been pervading my graduate school pursuits. The University seems to require a lot of software and passwords that have been too much fun for humans for me to get working. The difference that I've observed so far, is that the University is helpful in getting one's ducks in a row. It helps to be surrounded by twenty somethings. Feeling like I know what I'm doing is going to have to remain a goal for the forseeable future. It's actually wierd, now that I think about it, just how pervasive that feeling is in my life. Since I'm forced to function as a grownup I guess I've not allowed myself the luxury of giving it much thought.  

  Welcome to a whole new world of learning. My advice to you, Flounder, is to start drinking heavily! 

    

   

The never ending quest

   Fall is almost here. I wish I could scrape up some enthusiasm. I am not ready to let go of Summer because I feel like I need more time to make up the fun we would have normally had. We managed, under the circumstances, but mommy guilt is blind to the plight of mere mortals. I do actually love the Fall. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Last year, it felt like Fall was 10 minutes long because the Summer weather continued well past September. Maybe I just need another month tacked onto my year.

   That doesn't make sense, either though. Most of us can't wait for 2020 to be over, and with good reason. We could all use a vaccine, some new jobs and a new President. This whole year has been like an obnoxious inlaw that won't leave. More fun still awaits, like when you think your diarrhea is subsiding. Halloween is in danger. I blame the grownups for this one. If you can go to the liquor store for homeschooling supplies, you can put on a mask and give out some cheap candy. 

   The pandemic is also threatening Thanksgiving and Christmas. I finally got a holiday to host for my family. I have two successful Turkey days under my belt. This year, however, I'm up to my armpits in high risk relatives who, understandably, may not want to come over, even for a free Turkey dinner. It frustrates me but I have to take what I can get. My core group of usual suspects are still willing to hang, so there's that.

   We do, however,  have one party pooper who is not even willing to go the polyanna route for grown ups. This was to cut down on people's shopping during a pandemic. I think this was the opportunity she's been looking for, personally. This particular person, while generally nice, was never what I would call festive. The little kid in me loves presents. I also enjoy finding them for people and wrapping them. It's not so much that I demand someone spend pantloads on yours truly, it's just that I have always loved having stuff to unwrap, however small and stupid. 

  I'm giving up, or trying to give up on getting any sense of control. While I'm at it, I should probably plan for technological screw ups and just pray they won't be epic. It appears that I'll have a better shot at getting out and trying to enjoy what I can, while it's here. Who's up for a pumpkin spice latte on the beach?