There is an old joke that describes parenthood as the toughest job you'll ever love. This couldn't be more true in my case but there have been sacrifices. The changes have been pervasive, to say the least. Having my daughter has fundamentally changed who I am as a person. The changes began internally and extended outward, like a rock in a pond of priorities. It began with sleep, then household safety, and then my own hopes for her future began to form. The ripples were small and tight in the early years. I believe this was because we were older parents and we didn't have a gaggle of friends going through new parenthood with us.
It's a question of perspective and deciding what you want. Parenting is stressful, of course, and I take all the help I can get. Our family is very small so isolation was a problem in those early years. It got even smaller when my sister passed away unexpectedly. When you are an older parent, energy is in even shorter supply than normal. We've often joked that when we were younger we had the energy but not the money, now that we're older, we have the money but we're wiped out!
I found myself pouring everything I had into being a mom just to get through the grieving. That strategy worked, but not without a price. My singlehood friendships changed into a series of kids' parties and occasional holiday open houses. We became separated by more than geography. The kids grew apart in interests and friends and grown ups are just along for the ride, right? I didn't want to notice how low my cup was getting, I just kept pouring. It's amazing how comfortable people get in their hair shirts. Fear of change is a powerful thing.
I learned a lot from my sister's passing but turning 50, for some reason, had a huge impact, too. I was blessed with a spouse who threw me a surprise party and managed to fill our house with friends. I was relieved to find I had them! It turns out that the friends whom I hadn't spoken to in a long time never left. I was hit with a growing awareness of how much time I didn't have. It was comforting to find that I had plenty of company. There is an old saying that there are no atheists in foxholes. Having friends, male or female has become increasingly important to my sanity, as well as my physical health. The early years of parenthood were almost all consuming. Thankfully, there was a small part of the "old me" I hung onto all along.
I have always been a fitness nut. It started for the purpose of weight loss, morphed into stress relief, and then changed again into self defense. What did not change was the "second family" I managed to acquire along the way. The important thing was the fact that I found a family friendly place that let me bring my daughter when she was little. It's incredibly difficult to get out and form new friendships as a new mom if the circles you float in aren't accomodating. I 've been blessed to have instructors help me set up baby gates in the back of the room so I could take class. It was a lot of hassle but it was worth it in ways I couldn't have predicted.
I've managed to meet a great contractor, get sound medical advice, meet other moms, and actually make some new friends all because I continued to train once I became a mother. There are other connections that I was surprised to find out that are easily renewed, despite the time that has passed. We were invited to a reunion, of sorts, from a group I had belonged to in my 20's. It reminded me of a high school reunion on a much smaller scale, and a lot less painful!
We have all begun to look older, there is less hair, more of it grey, more weight and wrinkles, and a lot more dad jokes. It felt great to be invited to something that was entirely voluntary. Individual friendships are important, without question, but these other relationships are invaluable to fighting isolation.
Fighting isolation is important on a lot of levels because being a parent is such an important role to fulfill in a family. I had been connected as a friend and a daughter myself before, but the magnitude of the responsibility can be staggering. Days off do not happen without a hospital stay. Being smart enough to pick up the phone and reach out to someone else, even if it's just to say "Can you believe this bulls**t?!" can be a lifesaver. It is regrettably easy to get sucked into your own personal vortex while you're in it. I wish I had reached out more often during those early years.
It is said that friendships can die, like living things left unattended. This is true, however, I have learned that friendships change over time, too. You become friends with the parents of your children's friends in some cases. There are also old friends that I am lucky enough to call after months of not speaking and just pick up where we left off. Those, I admit, are my favorites. I have to wonder if the days of just picking up the phone to talk to a person have gone the way of vinyl records. Are friendships just a text or a Facebook like? How lazy have we gotten or is it just a question of trying to fit everything into too little time?
It is truly some of both for me. The lack of energy is always an issue. There is an increasing urgency to my days as I see my daughter grow older. She's getting her own friends and I feel a need to cling to her to hang onto a bit of my own youth. If I'm the parent of a young child, I can't be that old yet, right? The key to fighting panic is to remember that you are not alone, unless you want to be. This is where the work comes in. The busier life gets the harder it gets to maintain friendships. I forget that sometimes it only takes a small effort. If it has to be scheduled, that's ok, too.
I understand the appeal of sending a text or clicking a "like" button and leaving it there. The challenge becomes making the time for adult conversations. Notice the word "making". We are removing the stigma of mental illness in this country, but how about we make mental health maintenance a priority, too? Forgive the melodrama, but I can tell you from experience that isolation feeds depression the same way moisture feeds mold. Parenting cannot be done properly if you're impaired by pent up stress and depression. A little relief goes a long way.
So to all my friends virtual and real, thanks for being there.
A note the below musr have been an old brain fart that hitched a ride to this post??
Children are also great teachers. I have learned a great deal about myself, not all of it good. The early tears taught me patience, creativity and keeping a sense of humor. My daughter is not so little anymore and now I am getting a refresher course in humility. Every parent is proud of their offspring but sometimes when your friends have kids, too, parenthood becomes competitive. "Our six year old just finished our 1040!" "My nine year old is doing particle physics!" How do you hang with these people if not eating dogfood is considered a major achievement at your house?
I am far from ashamed of my offspring but these sort of outings can get tedious. I try to remember that nobody is going to be quick to share foibles. They save that sort of thing for home. I try to be happy for them as long as I can stand and then get up and get a drink.
We do have friends who have no children at all. Some cases are by choice and some are not. I see no reason to eliminate these people from our lives. The more friends you can have, in whatever capacity, the better. Despite my lack of diplomatic skill however, I have found that mixed gatherings work best, unless you're just meeting a friend for lunch. I am referring to having plenty of other couples without kids, too.
Cheesey as it is, once in a while I will toss out an occasional comment when the kids are being really loud or messy like "Makes you want to run right out and adopt, doen't it?". I must point out that you have to know your crowd, of course. My spouse and I tried to get pregnant for three years. A miscarriage brings the kind of pain that clarifies friendships. Our particular circle of friends are mostly past childbearing years. One or two have recently become granparents. I have noticed that they are a bit tougher to reach these days. I totally understand. If you are late for everything, you have no business getting mad when someone else is late or just plain tied up.
